Problems Buying Alcohol

I had just been to the store and bought myself some bourbon and a decently priced bottle of wine along with some groceries a day ago. The wine was good so I decided I needed more. I felt stupid for not having bought two bottles to begin with… but I was already buying a bottle of wine and a bottle of bourbon and sometimes it’s a problem when I buy “too much” alcohol at once. A stupid problem. A problem I am partially to blame for. But a problem nonetheless. I'll explain what exactly the problem is momentarily.

I walked back to the store. I also needed water. So, it would be a water and wine purchase. If I wanted to think about it I could come up with a decent Jesus joke but I don’t really feel like it. Just know there was a thought there and I almost did. Feel free to laugh at the almost joke.

As I walked to the store I was already thinking about what would happen as I attempted to purchase the alcohol. You see, my license had recently expired and I hadn’t replaced it yet. That’s the part where I am partially to blame. I still need to renew my expired license. My driver’s license, mind you. The thing that allows me to drive. It doesn’t allow me to drink, however, it proves that I am of age to drink.

Now, I am 36. There isn’t much question whether I’m old enough to drink. I’m not one of those people who looks so young that people question if I can legally drink. I’m sure, especially when I shave my beard to a stubble, I look a little younger than I am. But I couldn’t imagine anyone is buying any less than 30. Absolutely I don’t look under 21. Some of the kids in my neighborhood who have to be between 10 and 16 even call me sir when I talk to them. Now, I feel “sir” should be strictly for 45 and up, but maybe that’s just me. In any event, if the kids are sirring me, you know I’m old enough to drink.

But, the nature of selling alcohol, everyone is always worried about selling to a minor. And I get it. I worked at a restaurant. They would say if we couldn’t say without absolute certainty that someone was 35 then just card them. Just to be positive. I get it. But also sometimes you can just tell someone is in their 30’s and it’s like, okay you’re fine here is the alcohol, man.

Basically, because I don’t look 60, I am prone to getting carded. People don’t want to take chances so if you don’t look like a grandparent they may card you. They may not. I was at the store the day before and the cashier didn’t card me. Thankfully.

Many days I have been carded and I give them my license as if everything is fine. Sometimes they just read the date and punch it in. Other times they scan it. And then they tell me that my license is expired.

“Yes it is, but I am still old enough to drink.”

“Do you have another form of identification on you?”

“I don’t but you can see on that one that my birth year is 1987 which means that I was able to drink by 2008 and we are now in 2023.”

And then sometimes this is what they say.

“Sir, I can’t let you buy alcohol without a valid identification.”

Sure you can. First of all, you called me sir. That right there proves I can drink. Secondly, you can see my birth year on there! Had you punched it in we would have been fine! But you decided to scan it and then it told you my license expired. But this isn’t a drinking license! If it expires it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to drink! It means I’m not allowed to drive! The two are not related. You are just using this card to find out when I was born. And you can still see that. See? It says born in 1987. It was true before my license expired and it’s still true now. Nothing about my license expiring made my birth year change. Nothing made me unable to drink alcohol.

Now, I get that there are probably laws and rules and the employees don’t want to break them. It’s not their fault and I should renew my license. But let’s admit how stupid this is. What if I decided I was done driving and hadn’t gotten a new form of identification yet? What? I’m not allowed to drink during that time? Of course I can drink.

But here is why it is stupid. Because sometimes the employees scan my license and it tells them it’s expired and then they go, oh, let me enter the date. I can see here you are obviously over 21.

Yes! Thank you!

So, why do some of them refuse me alcohol? It makes no sense.

Furthermore, I often won’t get carded for one thing. One bottle of wine. One case of beer. One bottle of bourbon. But if I get two things I am pushing it. If I get three things at once they always card me. It’s as if more alcohol prompts them to need to card me even more. Like not only do I need to be over 21 I super duper need to be over 21. But why? Is more alcohol more damage done? If you sell to a minor is it worse if it’s more alcohol? The damage is done either way. And why, do they look at me as they scan by beer and decide not to card me, because I look over 30, but then when they scan the two bottles of alcohol after, why do they now have to card me? You already determined you knew my age! What happens if I buy more? Now I don’t just have to be 21? I have to be 31? What is the logic?

So, I worried as I brought the water and the wine to the register. I worried if I looked old enough today. I worried if I should come up with a “turning water into wine and I’m halfway through” Jesus joke for the cashier to prove I am old. Should I make a joke about Cheers? Anyone who makes a joke about Cheers has to be old enough to drink, right?

The guy asked for my card. Ugh. I handed it to him. He scanned it. Ugh. He told me it was expired. “Oh?” He asked if I had other identification and I said I didn’t have any on me.

He looked at me and said, “Well, you’re obviously old enough. No worries.” And he punched in my birth year like a normal person!

I have no idea if what he did was illegal or against company rules, but if it was, it shouldn’t be. He sold alcohol to someone who was of age and had money. What’s the crime? Why do so many people not take this simple action?

I went home and enjoyed more wine, my old-36-year-old self, happy I looked every day of 36 years old. I don’t want to look too young. Because I procrastinate and don’t renew my license. And I need something to help me buy my alcohol. Let it be my slight gray hairs on the left side of my chin. Let it be my wise eyes that have seen much. Let it be my old face.