Goldsplash “White Whale” Pilot Pitch

The Show: Goldsplash

Logline: A sarcastic small-towner moves to the big city and accidentally stumbles into fame as he acquires a job in the extremely popular sports drink industry that he knew nothing about!

Synopsis: Goldsplash is a workplace sitcom taking place in a workplace you’ve NEVER experienced. Goldsplash is the name of the company that most of the characters work at. Goldsplash started out as a sports drink company (Think Gatorade or Powerade) and also branched out into power bars. The headquarters is located in Los Angeles, where our main character, Zach Red, has just moved to from New Hampshire a week prior. His adjustment to LA life is one thing, but next, Zach has to adjust to the sports drink world, one he never knew about.

In this show, sports drink companies are treated like professional sports teams. The bosses/CEOs are the coaches. The employees, they are like professional athletes. In every way possible. Those that work as Flavor Namers, they are faces of these franchises, think of them as quarterbacks. The art department creating the labels, think running backs. The ones who are actually creating the sports drink flavors, those are your wide receivers. Whether these employees make sports drink flavors, make sports drink label art, or name the sports drinks… they are paid… millions. Just like your favorite athletes.

However, they are treated in exactly the same way. These employees can’t walk down the street without being mobbed by adoring fans, screaming about how they love the new Strawberry-Grape flavor. But there will also be rowdy fans throwing trash and screaming obscenities because naming the new Lemon-Lime drink “Silly, Sunny, and Funny” was an utter disaster and a bomb on the market. Media will constantly be waiting for them outside of work, wanting to ask them questions about their salary, asking about their personal life, weighing in on whether they think the employees should be going out to bars or not, as it seems to affect their work.

And, of course, there’s the broadcasting team knocking down the 4th wall… and possibly even a 5th wall. Two commentators, Al Peterson and John Azul, they are there commenting on everything as it happens. Discussing miscues, giving their insight on strategies that these sports drink employees employ, and commenting on all their personal information, like weight, height, college, hometown… as all that information is readily available. Of course, the commentators can’t help but to bleed into the lives of the employees, especially John Azul, who has taken to drinking due to his marital issues. It is massively affecting his work as Al Peterson tries to hold things together. Azul is often seen showing up in Zach’s apartment, cracking open beers from his fridge, and doing plenty of drinking on the job.

A cast of characters at the company surround Zach. Some that want to help, some that are against him, and one character who is trying to stay low and remain unseen, as he is in his early 40’s and worried he will be forced into early retirement.

Goldsplash is a little ‘Seinfeld’ with witty wordplay and the way all the characters’ actions always spiderweb and interconnect. It’s also a little ‘30 Rock’ with the outlandish scenarios and settings that the characters live in.

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Characters

Zach Red - Early 20’s. Zach is fresh out of college and has just moved from a fairly small town in New Hampshire to Los Angeles. It’s a big change for him. He isn’t much of a risk-taker, so this is a big deal for him. He’s a level-headed and intelligent guy but can be very sarcastic. His sarcasm can get him into trouble with people at times. He’s kind and genuinely loves to help people, so long as they are deserving of help. Zach can be naive with life in the big city, and is absolutely naive in this new Goldsplash world.

Hunter Black - Late 20’s. Hunter Black is the 1st string Flavor Namer at Goldsplash. He thinks he is King Shit… because he is. He has millions of adoring fans and he lets it go to his head. He’s been doing this job for 8 years. He is cocky and entitled, but he is damn good at his job. He’s never had any major injuries in his career and stays quite healthy. Hunter is good friends with Casein, the Lead Artist, and they help each other out as their jobs are largely tied together.

Casein Willbury - Early 30’s. Casein grew up very poor, so when his talent with art landed him a multi-million dollar a year job, it was an enormous leap for him. He lives lavishly and hardly knows how to spend his money. He has terrible taste in most things. His talent with art was discovered back when he was 13, so he has been groomed by the industry since then. School took a back seat, and focusing on his art was the main priority. He skipped college and went straight into “the pros.” He is essentially stunted as a 13-year old kid. His talent in art is impeccable, though he has one weakness, he cannot draw anything from the sea. If he attempts anything nautical, it turns out to be an absolute trainwreck. He is great friends with Hunter.

Mack Segreti - Early 50’s. Mack is the CEO of Goldsplash. He’s extremely friendly, an energetic personality, with that leadership/boss mentality just below the surface. It doesn’t take much for Mack to spin into boss-mode. Mack isn’t one to wait or overthink, he acts fast and makes spur of the moment decisions. Mack is a hands-on kind of boss. And if you are a good worker, he loves you. If you are a bad worker, you can get on Mack’s bad side, which is where you do not want to be. He is rich and eccentric. He has forgotten what it is like not having millions or billions of dollars. He doesn’t look down on people with less money, but he is out of touch and forgets what that life can be like.

Danny Swain - Mid 20’s. They all call him Swain. He is the 1st string Drink Flavor Engineer. Swain is from London and has an elegant and noble sounding British accent. He is dumb as a brick, but because his accent makes him sound intelligent, everyone thinks he is smart and smooth. He actually can be clumsy as well, but no one sees it due to his accent. Swain is good friends with Hunter.

Elizabeth Jones - Early 20’s. Elizabeth is fairly new, but her talent has landed her as the 2nd string Drink Flavor Engineer. Elizabeth is very smart, but she is from the South and has a thick Southern accent, so people often view her to be stupid. She falls into this trap and thinks herself to be stupid and clumsy as well, even though she is none of those things. She is very sweet, very kind, but is too shy and doesn’t realize her own potential and intelligence.

Sherry Quinoa - Mid 20’s. Sherry is the 3rd string Drink Flavor Engineer. She has some talents and uses her extreme intelligence and very brainy personality to her advantage. What Sherry lacks in personality, she makes up for with smarts and facts. Sherry will NEVER speak an opinion. Even when asked her opinion, she only states facts. Others are unsure if she just never wants to say anything that isn’t factual… or is she a robot… lacking actual opinions?

Surname Robinson - Early 40’s. Sleepy Surname used to be one of the top Drink Flavor Engineers in the game. Everyone knew him, had his trading cards, etc. He was the 1st string Drink Flavor Engineer for Goldsplash for a while, until the day he created an amazing drink flavor… best Goldsplash had ever put out. The Flavor Namer at the time named it a nautical theme and kicked it over to Casein. But with Casein’s inability to draw anything nautical, the product tanked! Casein’s career was able to retaliate, but not Sleepy. Years passed and Sleepy slid down the depth chart and fell out of favor. He remained on the team, but nowadays, he is the 4th string Drink Flavor Engineer at Goldsplash, and he just tries to keep a low profile and keep a job as he is worried he will be forced into retirement as he is now “an old guy” in the industry.

Rashida Banks - Late 20’s. Rashida is the 1st string Power Bar Flavor Engineer. So, she is the best they have at Goldsplash, but power bars still take a backseat to sports drinks. This doesn’t stop her from being a slightly cocky, know-it-all. She can be a suck-up to those in power and instantly despises slackers or anyone she deems beneath her. She may even try to sabotage anyone she deems a threat to her livelihood.

Randy Angly - Mid 20’s. Randy Angly was given the nickname “Gangly Angly” because he is tall and skinny and gangly and also because it rhymes. He hates the nickname. Randy is quite good at what he does, in fact, he scored the highest score in Goldsplash history on the second test that is required of employees. But, due to his gangly stature, the company will never put him ahead of Hunter. Thus, Randy is 2nd string Flavor Namer and is quite irritated by this. He gets easily upset and speaks too loudly oftentimes, which puts people off… even more so.

Al Peterson - Mid 50’s. Al is one of the commentators that comments all the goings-on at Goldsplash and around other sports drink companies. He’s a “facts” guy, very knowledgeable, likes to get right to the point. He has a dry sense of humor and he takes his job very seriously.

John Azul - Late 40’s. John is the other commentator who always works with Al. He is the color guy. A bit wacky and zany. He is going through a rough patch in his marriage and he has taken to drinking… on the job. He can be quite unprofessional at times, letting his personal life bleed into the broadcast. He has trouble dealing with his emotions and can be hard headed at times.

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Pilot Episode Breakdown (With some scenes):

Episode Title: White Whale

Zach Red has just moved from a smaller town life in New Hampshire and is adjusting to LA life. He gets an interview at Goldsplash as a Flavor Namer. He takes a test and wows the employees with his answers so they instantly send him to meet a current Flavor Namer and to take a second test. While meeting with the current Flavor Namer, Randy Angly, Randy is disrespected by other employees. He receives a job offer from Honeyjam, one of Goldsplash’s rivals. Randy quits on the spot, uploads his near-perfect second test from years ago under Zach’s name, and secures Zach a position at the company before Zach can even ask what is going on.

The CEO of Goldsplash, Mach Segreti, bursts into the room and is full of energy. He has a contract drawn up for Zach and already knows an absurd amount about him.

MACK: Are you the boy I've been hearing all about?! The one that aced both the tests?! Mack Segreti, I run Goldsplash. We could use a Flavor Namer like you, son.

ZACH: I'm sorry, the tests I literally just–

MACK: Hey, let's not pussyfoot around. I want you on the team. Here's the contract we drew up.

Mack SLAMS a contract on the table. Zach looks at it and CHOKES on nothing.

ZACH: That's the annual salary?! How many zeroes is that?? It's so mu–

MACK: You drive a tough bargain. Fine, we'll add another zero at the end.

As Mack draws in an extra zero on the contract Zach's chair legs SNAP and he falls on the ground. Mack helps him up.

MACK: What do you say? That enough?

ZACH: Uh-- I uh--

MACK: Oh, and signing bonus is right down there. But the catch is, I need you to start today. Can you start today? What plans did you have for today?

ZACH: I was just gonna go get something to eat after the interview, I assumed--

MACK: Fine, I'll throw in a sandwich. Boy, you drive a tough bargain.

Mack writes 'PLUS SANDWICH' on the contract.

MACK: Deal?

Mack takes Zach through the lobby, through a gold set of doors, and into the company where massive amounts of media await. Photographers snapping photos, cameras filming, reporters asking questions. Everyone seems to know everything about Zach, where he went to school, the fact that he signed on with Goldsplash (literally seconds ago), and for how much money!

Al Peterson and John Azul, the commentators, comment on the entire scene, discussing how Zach will be the third string Flavor Namer. Mack continues leading a dazed Zach through the sea of reporters and finally into a more secure area of the building that does not allow press. As Zach walks with a casual Mack down the Goldsplash hallways, he asks what all of that was, to which Mack is nonchalant, explaining to Zach that this is the norm and he better get used to it.

Mack takes Zach to meet the art department, including lead artist Casein Willbury, and also the 1st string Flavor Namer, Hunter Black. It doesn’t go so well.

Mack and Zach approach Casein. Next to Casein, sitting in a rolling chair, feet up on another rolling chair, is HUNTER BLACK. He wears a bomber jacket over his gold polo, and lights a lighter to a cigarette in his mouth.

MACK: This is Hunter Black.

Hunter pulls the cigarette out of his mouth revealing it is actually a lollipop. He tries to get out of the rolling chairs and has difficulty as they roll around. He semi-falls out and quickly stands up.

ZACH: Hey, how are you? Are you--

HUNTER: Please, no autographs, kid. We'll be working together. It's weird.

ZACH: I was gonna ask if you were the lead Flavor Namer I've been hearing about.

HUNTER (in utter disbelief): Do you not know who I am?

ZACH: I've heard your name a few times, seems like people like you a lot–

Hunter staggers backwards.

HUNTER: Seems like?!

CASEIN: Next thing you're gonna tell us is that you've never heard the name Casein Willbury.

ZACH: Uh, you're gonna be mad, is that you?

CASEIN: WHAT?! (to Mack) What hole did you find this troll in?

MACK: Great first impressions, Zach. Let's move on to the Flavor Engineers.

CASEIN: Hole troll!!

Mack takes Zach to the area where the Flavor Engineers work. Hunter tags along and locates Swain and whispers in his ear while Mack is introducing Zach to everybody.

MACK: We have Power Drink Flavor Engineers, Elizabeth Jones, Sherry Quinoa, Swain...

ZACH: Swain. Got a first name with that last name? Or a last name with that first name?

SWAIN (British accent): Not one that you'd remember.

Zach eyes Hunter who stands, arms folded.

MACK: ...and lastly, our longest tenured Flavor Engineer, Surname Robinson.

The Commentators are behind a glass partition.

AL PETERSON: He was unsure if Swain was the first or last name, don't let him ask about Surname Robinson or we'll have an Abbott and Costello routine on our hands.

JOHN AZUL: Who and who?

AL PETERSON: Abbott and Costello.

JOHN AZUL (checking papers): I don't see anyone by the name of Abbott at Goldsplash...

AL PETERSON: No, they're comedians, and it's not their first names.

JOHN AZUL: Their Surnames?

AL PETERSON: Correct.

JOHN AZUL: Robinson.

AL PETERSON: No, not Surname.

JOHN AZUL: So, they are first names?

AL PETERSON: No, their surnames.

JOHN AZUL (cracking open a beer): Only one Surname works here.

AL PETERSON: Are you openly drinking a beer?

Mack gets several texts on his phone and excuses himself. Zach is left with the employees. He tries talking to a Power Bar Flavor Engineer, Rashida, but she is rude and doesn’t want to talk to Zach. She returns to work. Zach tries talking to the Sports Drink Flavor Engineers. Elizabeth is panicking that she won’t finish her work and excuses herself to get back to her work. Sherry doesn’t offer any opinion when Zach asks about Goldsplash… only facts. And as Zach speaks with Surname… all he really tells Zach is “Stay away from the sea.” Zach feels so lost.

Mack returns, talking about Zach doing a a photoshoot for the cover of Splash Illustrated. Elizabeth is working on a new flavor and Swain bumps into her, causing her to spill it. Swain tells her to be careful and because he is British and Elizabeth is Southern everyone assumes it is her fault and she is the klutz and not him. Hunter doesn’t see the spill and as he is walking by he slips in it and crashes to the floor.

JOHN AZUL: Oh, and down goes Hunter Black.

AL PETERSON: Yes, and it's the 135-pounder out of LSU that spilled the drink that Black slipped on. Not a good look for her.

ELIZABETH: Did he just– announce my weight?

MACK: Hunter, oh my God, please tell me you didn't break your leg!

HUNTER: No, uh, I think I'm okay. I'm okay.

MACK: Let's see. Try to name the drink.

Hunter dips his fingers in the puddle and tastes it.

HUNTER: Um-- uh-- blue... delight?

RASHIDA (in disgust): Oh it's horrible.

SWAIN: Just pathetic.

MACK: That's it, he can't name on this leg. Cart him off!

A TEAM OF MEDICS, rush in. Everyone clears the way. The Medics lift Hunter onto a stretcher.

HUNTER: No, wait! I can still name! Let me try again. Um-- blue-- refresh-- quench--

RASHIDA (turning away): Oh, I can't watch this!

SWAIN: Take him off before he embarrasses himself further!

Mack calls for Randy Angly as he is next up, but then they find out that he quit and went to Honeyjam. So now, they all have to turn to Zach to name the flavors.

They give Zach a drink to name and his lackluster name upsets them all. They give him a power bar to name and again, he has a basic name for it. Everyone is so angry, people are storming off and screaming at Zach. Later they watch the news and their new products have rolled out into stores and the public is expressing their utter disgust with the names. One fan even goes as far as saying that the drink tastes delicious but they refuse to drink it because they hate the name so much. Meanwhile, new flavors from Honeyjam have come out, named by Randy Angly, and the public loves them.

Most of the employees are furious with Zach, especially Casein who is upset with the stupid artwork he has had to create. Mack tells Zach he is in big trouble and better turn it around.

Zach is at home, watching the news. More reports coming out about his disastrous first day. They even talk about how Casein put out horrible artwork that hasn’t been this bad since his second year. Zach is getting text after text from people he knows. All this hate is spreading about him on social media. He’s depressed. The commentators are in his apartment watching him, talking about him, while John Azul has cracked open a beer from Zach’s fridge. Zach remembers that Surname told him they are artists. That he needs to paint. He goes to a paint store and brings home several cans of paint and paints all these different shades of white on his wall.

Zach comes into work the next day energized and excited. He goes to talk to the Drink Flavor Engineers. As soon as Swain sees Zach, he leaves the room. But Zach tells Elizabeth, Sherry, and Surname about how he painted last night!

ELIZABETH: What did you paint?

ZACH: The walls in my apartment.

ELIZABETH: You can get people to do that for you. We make enough money here.

SHERRY: Also, most apartments don't want you painting the walls since you rent. I would hope you checked with your landlord before--

ZACH: Forget what I painted. That's not the point. Surname told me to paint. And I painted. And I get it now.

SURNAME: Oh yeah?

ZACH: Yes. There's so many possibilities out there for names. For colors alone, there's not just 'white.' There's Eggshell, Alabaster, and A John Mulaney Joke. And there's Off-White, Plastic Bag, and New England Patriots Wide Receivers. And there's Tofu, Putty, Oatmeal, Almond, Harvest Wheat, Buff, and Watches Reruns of Frasier As He Goes To Bed. The possibilities are endless!

SURNAME: Glad to hear it my man.

Zach says he wants to talk to Casein and tell him he is going to turn it around. He asks about the situation with Casein in his second year. Surname explains that he created a delicious drink and Casein did the artwork for it but it was horrendous. Even though it was rated the most delicious drink that Goldsplash ever put out, it was pulled off of shelves for the worst artwork ever. Surname gives some to Zach to try and Zach loves it. He says he is bringing it to Casein so they can bring it back from the dead.

Zach tells Casein his plan, to bring this drink back, and come up with a name for Casein to draw. Casein refuses. He says this drink was his white whale. Zach asks if he is referring to Captain Ahab and Moby Dick and Casein doesn’t know who either of those are. He explains that the drink was named White Whale and Casein tried to draw a whale and it was terrible. He says he cannot draw anything nautical. Casein even shows Zach the original artwork and it looks like a drawing of a whale done by a 3-year-old. They continue to discuss this and Zach finds out that Casein is terrified of the ocean and won’t even go to the beach. He figures Casein cannot draw anything nautical because he never goes to the beach and doesn’t know what anything looks like. He tells Casein they are going to the beach and they are going to conquer this fear and this weak spot of Casein’s art game.

Zach and Casein arrive at the beach. Zach steps onto the edge of the sand from a parking lot. Casein stays put on the pavement.

ZACH: Come on, the sand isn't gonna hurt you.

CASEIN: Yeah right. You seen Tremors?

ZACH: Yeah, I've seen Tremors--

CASEIN: Good. Those tremors you seen going down my spine are cause I'm scared, because this sand reminds me of a time I went in my cousin’s sandbox and we got attacked by some weird underground worms.

ZACH: Casein, you can't let a childhood experience stop you from doing things as an adult.

CASEIN: This happened on Thursday!

Zach eventually coaxes Casein onto the beach and brings him down to the water. Zach and Casein approach the edge of the ocean. The water laps up against their feet. They see sea shells and sand dollars.

ZACH: Look at these things. Harmless.

CASEIN: Where are their fins and murderous teeth and bright red jackets from 1950's New York City?

ZACH: These aren't sharks, Casein. Sea shells. I think a sand dollar.

CASEIN: So, the ocean isn't full of bad guys?

ZACH: There's plenty of good guys in the ocean too. Including white whales.

CASEIN: Why the good whales gotta be white?

Zach takes Casein to an aquarium next, showing him all the fantastic creatures that exist underwater. Casein is excitedly taking notes and sketching drawings in a notebook as they go from exhibit to exhibit.

Zach and Casein return to work and Mack is furious with Zach because he hasn’t been around. He is screaming at him telling him that he is supposed to be on his game today and he isn’t even in the building. Zach explains to Mack that he and Casein have been working on a plan. Casein leaves to create his artwork. Zach leads Mack to the Flavor Room where he has Mack sample the White Whale once more. Mack recognizes the flavor and Zach tells him it's White Whale and says they are re-releasing it. Mack is furious and tells Zach that that drink almost ruined them the first time.

Casein returns and tells them how he already submitted the new artwork. He is so proud of it. He shows them the old artwork of the White Whale which looks like it was done by a 3-year-old… as a reminder. Then, he shows them the improved picture… which looks like it was done by an 8-year-old. He thinks it’s fantastic but Zach becomes worried because the artwork is still bad.

They watch the news later to see the public opinion of the new White Whale drink… and people love it! They think the artwork is amazing! Everyone else seems to agree, but Zach is so confused how that artwork is deemed good. He is glad it worked out though. Casein is happy, Mack is proud of Zach, all seems to be well in this weird place. The commentators even talk about Zach’s amazing turnaround. Al compliments Zach and John Azul is sarcastic in his applause. Al asks John what is going on with him and John reveals that his wife kicked him out of the house. He breaks down in tears and Al embraces him, telling him that they will get through this together… all on the air… for all to hear. Hunter watches the awkward exchange on TV… in his hospital bed with his broken leg. He can see Zach in the background celebrating his success… and Hunter is FUMING.

THE END...

... of Episode 1.