I Want To Go Far Far Away

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Okay, now that I smashed my keyboard a bit to get the opening line out of the way, the rest of this should go by easier.

I believe others like me who have been diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder) will talk about how much their mood can suddenly get dark at the most random and inopportune times. Today for example: I got done with some freelance writing about my favorite video game, went to a writing workshop, cooked myself a nice ribeye, and now ending the day with a healthy dose of depression.

I should also emphasize that I have no intention of ending my life any time soon, but there is no way to discuss mental health without making it at least somewhat uncomfortable at some point.

Do you know the difference between wallpaper and toilet paper? No? That’s gross.

Humor has always been a nice way to break out of a rut. In an attempt to reference someone nobody saw coming, I recall Pete Davidson’s account of his father passing away from the 9/11 attacks in New York City, and how he always used humor to laugh through such a horrible tragedy.

I think the problem with me is I tend to linger on about certain thoughts for way too long. In worse-case situations: I almost try to fester in it, almost embrace depression in a way that makes it who I am instead of something I just ignore. Not in the “edgy hot topic” kind of way, more of the “I’m living through life a breath at a time”.

For those who have read my work before, you may know I commonly refer to my military experience, and how everything in my life seemed to have changed from 6 years of active duty. My mentality towards my work, my attitude towards life, and my interest in learning what my true purpose is on this earth. But that’s a topic for another day.

A few months ago I wrote a song called “Another Day” (insert shameless self-promotion about how you can hear it across all streaming platforms), and during the chorus, I state how “I just want to go far far away. Away from everything to save it for another day”. If you’re able to brush past the falsetto vocals and weirdly calming acoustic guitar, you’re left with the dark lyrics about how much I want to just vanish from the world and the problems that come with it.

Everyone’s mind is different, but that is what depression is to me: a want to be done with the world, with life, and with everything around you for more than a second. To not have to think or even be aware of reality for any conceivable portion of time. A desire to want to feel nothing and not constantly think about how the rest of your life will go.

Finding ways to break through these darker feelings can be tricky for everyone. I’ve always turned to the arts; being able to write about my thoughts or play a song that portrays exactly how I feel inside is always satisfying. That, and of course taking a day off to play Old School RuneScape always helps.

Oh! Something interesting I’ve learned about writing emotions is that sometimes it can do more harm than good. Similar to negative reinforcement, if you write negative thoughts constantly, there can be cases where that is all you think about as that becomes your primary focus. Just something worth mentioning for anyone else who needs to write their feelings out; be careful with how you do it.

Another Day Song Link:

https://open.spotify.com/track/4fX73qhVcz2M7qyfxAfFq0?si=37953d1b25894161

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Writer’s Endnote

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

If you enjoyed it, consider checking out my artist profile on my LinkTree, where you can view my writing profile, music, and other creative works!

Thank You For Your Time,

-Kadence <3