They rejected my article 6 times yesterday.

It took me nearly a good 2-3 hours to draft, edit and re-edit before I just threw my finger down and removed the post completely. It's not that I can't handle rejection, I have developed pretty tough skin over my lifespan to handle it and learn to let go. But for some intense reason, I just wanted everyone to know my story so I kept pushing until I just wanted to remove my account from this platform and be done.

But I have found writing to help me get through this new painful chapter of my life and I feel compelled to share my stories with you all. No matter how many times they might not get "Chosen".

But after all that I decided to just take a short break and try to get some rest. Only, I had a hard time falling asleep the first hour and a half. My brain just wouldn't shut off. I was still bothered by something and I couldn't quite figure out why for awhile. But I knew I couldn't get my proper rest until I figured this mess out.

So I pulled out my journal and started writing down all of the feelings I was having at the present time and trying to dissect why I felt these different emotions.

Rejection. Neglect. Frustration. Fear. Anger. Guilt. Shame.

All of which are from old negative beliefs I was harboring inside that I haven't dealt with in awhile. And if you are wondering what I might be trying to imply is that I am right now working on my self-concept. Trying to dig deep and heal some very difficult trauma that I still never properly dealt with.

Since I made the decision to leave a rather abusive, and toxic 16 year relationship with two kids in tow, I still deal with the implications of all that. One kid undergoing Therapy as well as anti-depressants to do with his trauma and the other who is on the spectrum and demands quite a bit of care because he is pretty young. All the while I have debt piling up, constantly interviewing for work and still managing to function through it all everyday.

Taking care of everyone but me. Neglect.

Feeling Shame/Guilt for not following through with the first couple times we left and returned because I felt weak and vulnerable and I allowed myself to fall victim to manipulation and lies once again.

Fear of the unknown and sometimes not feeling motivation everyday to push through.

Rejection. I realized with this one I oddly had the negative thought I was going to get rejected yesterday because as I was writing the article I knew with the subject matter it was definitely erotic enough to maybe deserve that. But it was my truth that I wanted to desperately share. And I manifested the hell out of that whole damn scenario.

***Manifestation/ The Law of Assumption is what I have been leaning into the last several months watching so many videos on TikTok/ Youtube and learning all I can to help figure out how to properly work on myself so I can change my life around for the better. Most of what I learned is rather min-blowing but one must have a very open mind and willing to do some tough inside work to really see the results of what we want out of our lives. It's not for everyone so I'll just leave it at that.

More dissecting. But after writing it all down. A strange sense of peace overcame and I was able to just breathe in and out and broke down for maybe 5 minutes then I felt good enough to put the journal down and get my rest for the next 6-8 hours. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good and ready to just move forward. Perhaps I might come back with a much better and inspiring version of yesterdays trial and error but maybe it's just not right at this time until I fully heal. Maybe in a less desperate manner.

I believe we can all get caught up in our emotions in times that we normally learn to push through because we program ourselves to not take NO for an answer. Especially, in this type of environment. But sometimes we need to experience to force ourselves to figure the bigger picture.

Keep pushing writers but also know, if you experience this and you feel like you want to give up don't. The world needs to see and hear our truths. No matter what they are. Don't give up. Take the time to reflect and come back when you are ready to tell it a different way.