Understanding And Managing Conflict In A Relationship

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, whether it's a romantic partnership, a friendship, or a family group, but when someone seems to like conflict rather than harmony, it is important to understand that at least four things are happening in the relationship:

1. That person genuinely feels that the only way they can engage you is through arguments and conflict. You perhaps don’t like their behaviour, and try to avoid them, which means you pay more attention to preventing clashes developing than to any other way of resolving the issues. That person feels they only get your attention at such times, and will spoil for an argument whenever they can.
2. They do not feel they are being listened to, or acknowledged in their needs or complaints. When another person feels the significant other doesn’t want to listen, and makes no effort to help them deal with their concerns, they are likely to adopt a form of sabotage in its place, just to get attention, and to feel heard. That’s the only tool they believe they have and will use it as necessary.
3. When respect and care are deteriorating. If we have little respect for the other person, we won’t care how they feel, and we won’t care what we do to hurt them either. That is perhaps the state of your relationship just now: two uncaring people seeking to ignore or hurt each other in the best way they know how: one by not listening, or paying any attention to the other, while they, in turn, seek to cause as much conflict and discomfort as possible.
4. One person is low in self-esteem and has a need to feel more significant by using aggression against the other to exercise some power. In this case, conflict and perhaps intimidation is their only retaliatory weapon and way of feeling in control.

When things have reached such a low level, it can feel horrendous. All is not lost, but it would be time to reboot your relationship in a more positive vein, before it disintegrates altogether. There are simple steps you can take to ease conflict and build a stronger, more harmonious relationship.

For example, begin by scheduling a set time each week (like 1–2 hours) to sit together and talk about concerns. Sometimes there can be many repressed resentments and slights which need a long time to address, and cannot be done in one conversation. Also choose the right time to talk. If you're feeling angry or upset, it's important to wait until you've calmed down before talking to your partner. Trying to resolve any conflict when you're both highly emotional will only make the situation worse.

Listen actively. When your partner is talking, really listen to what they have to say. Don't interrupt or start thinking about your response while they're still speaking. Try to see the situation from their perspective and listen, without commenting, until the other person is finished, then try to work on solutions together. You might have to do this twice per week, initially, until you both get used to trusting each other again, and want to work as a team instead of two opponents in coping with frustrations.

Avoid accusatory language. Instead of saying, "You always do this!" or "You never do that!", try using "I" statements to express your feelings. For example, you could say, "I feel hurt when you say that.", or "I find it hard to know how to please you."

Focus on the present issue. Don't bring up past grievances or unrelated issues. Try to stick to the problem at hand. That can be hard to do, with so many seething resentments not being addressed. But if you must refer to the past, use the issue as an example of how it relates to the current situation, like a hurtful pattern of behaviour which is not being addressed.

Be willing to compromise. You're not likely to get everything you want in a relationship, and the needs of both parties matter. Be willing to meet your partner halfway. Above all, don't expect the other person to be able to read your mind in what you desire. Be clear, honest and assertive in what you think the solution should be. If your partner or family member does the same, you should both be able to work out a mutual agreement.

When these sessions are in place, if there is any conflict arising, you should politely explain that it won’t solve anything, and that any grievance should be saved for the discussion sessions, as conflict will only exacerbate the situation. If the person refuses, you should leave the scene entirely and do something else. But one hand cannot clap, and if you stay where the person can use you as a scapegoat for their frustrations, they will carry on doing it in exactly the same way. If these sessions fail, perhaps consulting a wellbeing therapist might be the best approach.

However, sooner or later, the hope is that the aggressive person will see the beneficial effects of the discussions and regular communication: mainly that they lead to far more positivity and fewer arguments. Not only will each person enjoy sessions of positive attention, but you will be reinforcing the discussions with listening and empathising, while refusing to join in any argument to please them, or to give them any sense of exercising power over you.

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