The Wisdom of Sitting with Fear

There are times I wake up on a Sunday morning and feel this overwhelming sense of dread. The coffee's gone cold. The sun's shining too bright. All I can think about is how much I'm screwing up my life. The fear of commitment.

It's a bitch.

I keep thinking about all the choices I've made. And all the ones I'm too afraid to make. What if I'm wasting my time in this dead-end job? What if I'm settling for a relationship that's just "okay" because I'm too afraid to be alone? Should I zig or should I zag? I'm stuck in this endless cycle of second-guessing myself. I don't know how to break free.

It's not just my own life that keeps me up at night. It's the state of the world. Images of melting ice caps and raging wildfires—flashing across my screen. Headlines about political unrest and economic instability. I have the sense that everything is spiraling out of control and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

It seeps into my soul, this fear. It colors every decision I make. How can I plan for a future that feels so uncertain? How can I commit to anything when the ground beneath my feet keeps shifting?

I picked up Pema Chodron's book "The Wisdom of No Escape" the other day, hoping it would give me some answers. She talks about embracing the present moment and facing your fears head-on.

That's a lot easier said than done.

Part of the problem is that we're sold this idea that there's a "right" way to live. And if we just make the perfect choices, everything will fall into place. But the reality is much messier than that. We're all just winging it. Trying to make the best of the hand we've been dealt.

This could mean staying in a job that pays the bills even if it doesn't light our souls on fire. Or staying in a relationship that's comfortable even if it's not the stuff of romantic movies. It's not always about chasing some grand, life-altering epiphany— it's about getting through the day.

Without too much damage. Maybe a little joy.

Because at the end of the day, that's all we have. This one messy, complicated, beautiful life. And the bravest thing I can do is just show up for it. Day after day. Even when I'm terrified of what the future holds.

I don't have any answers. Some days, the fear of commitment feels like a weight around my neck. Dragging me down. Other days, it's a safety net, keeping me from taking risks that could leave me shattered.

And on the really bad days, it feels like both at once.

That's just how it goes sometimes. We're all just fumbling through this life. Trying to make sense of the chaos. And perhaps the real wisdom is in accepting that there are no guarantees. No perfect choices.

No escape from this messiness of being human.

So tip your mug to another Sunday morning. Another pot of coffee. Another day of grappling with the fear that never quite goes away. It's not pretty, and it's sure as hell not easy.

And maybe, just maybe, one of these days, I'll wake up and find that the fear has loosened its grip. Just a bit. Enough to let me breathe. Enough to let me take one small step forward into the unknown.

That's all we can do. In the face of our own doubts and the world's uncertainty. Just show up. Just keep trying.

Hold onto the hope that somewhere in the mess and the fear, there's still beauty to be found.