Justice is Served: Hunter Biden Guilty on 3 Felony Counts

I feel so much better. Don’t you?

The Hunter Biden shit show is finally over. That mafioso son of our relic of a supposedly elected President has been found guilty. On not just one, not just two, but on three felony counts! I’m breaking out the AR-15!

Justice has finally been served!

It was worth it to spend millions of taxpayer dollars to investigate and prosecute Hunter’s lies on his gun application. I only stretched the truth a bit on those forms when I was forced to. Those forms would make the inquisition proud.

There are justifiable, necessary lies. And the blatant criminality of mini Biden doesn’t qualify. If I dug into the 4473s of my fellow GOP politicians and their spawn, I’d find enough falsehoods to make Pinocchio look like a beacon of honesty.

That’s justifiable alternative truth.

Let me take a moment to applaud the decrepit, supposedly elected President Joe Biden for his unwavering commitment to throwing his own son under the bus. We take care of our own but Daddy Dearest didn’t lift a finger to save little Hunter from the consequences of his actions. I guess when you’re busy forgetting what year it is, you don’t have time to bail out your drug-addled offspring.

We can all rest easy knowing that the real threat to our nation — a guy who lied on a gun form — has been brought to justice. Those Dems tell more lies than a used car salesman on a bender — wee Biden comes by it honestly. We need to make an example of drug-crazed Hunter and focus all our attention and resources on this ancient, supposedly elected President’s black sheep of a son.

And do not overlook the brilliant timing of this whole circus we orchestrated. Just as the 2024 election is starting to heat up, we keep the attention on the Deep State. We don’t let them distract us from the real issues plaguing our country. Like the fact that we’re all just one avocado toast away from becoming socialist peons in the New World Order.

Fortunately, my party, the Ultra-Mega-Super-Duper Extreme Right-Wing Patriot Freedom Liberty Eagle Party of Idaho (UMSDERIWPFLEPI) is here to save the day! Fresh off our landslide victory in the Gem State, our brave patriots are ready to take on the real enemies of our nation. Librarians, soy lattes, and anyone who dares to say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”

Governor-elect Bucky “Lock-n-Load” McGunson has already pledged to make Hunter Biden’s punishment fit the crime.

“In Idaho, we don’t just throw the book at lying gun applicants (wink wink), we throw the whole goddamn library!” McGunson declared while firing his AR-15 into the air.

“And then we arrest the librarians for good measure!”

While we keep the rest of the nation distracted by the Hunter Biden dog and pony show, Idaho is gearing up for the real battle. We are building walls to keep out the Californians, replacing textbooks with Bibles, and arming every man, woman, and child with enough firepower to make Rambo look like a pacifist.

The UMSDERIWPFLEPI is leading the way for the rest of our great, white country. The path to true freedom and liberty is paved with assault rifles and conspiracy theories. And, of course, a healthy dose of anti-intellectualism.

Who needs facts and logic when you’ve got blind faith and a stockpile of ammo?

Let’s raise our guns to the downfall of Hunter Biden, the sacrificial lamb of the Biden crime family. But keep your eye on the bigger picture. A drug-addicted failed son with a penchant for lying on government forms isn’t the real threat to our great American way of life.

It’s the dark, insidious forces of progress. The pathic cries for equality. And backward common sense thinking that threatens to drag us kicking and screaming into a Woke dystopian reality.

It will not be our fault when the water runs out.

With the UMSDERIWPFLEPI leading the charge, we can all rest easy knowing that Idaho, and the nation, will remain firmly rooted in the past. Where straight white men ruled the roost, guns were plentiful, and anyone who dared to question our status quo was swiftly silenced with a well-aimed bullet.

Along with a hearty cry of “FREEDOM!”

Now is not the time to relax, we have an election to win. Or steal. Our ends justify any means possible.

Stupid is as stupid does.