Because life didn’t end when I was 14 or 15

There are times when we feel like it’s the end of the world. When darkness loom over us and it seems like the sun won’t rise again. The time when we’re trapped at a seemingly unending, poorly lit tunnel, unable to find the end and unable to see the light.

For me, that was when I was 14 and 15. And when you’re 14 or 15 you go through stuff — changes, challenges, and rollercoaster of emotions. On top of that, the COVID-19 pandemic and the rise of social media were overwhelming and brought a lot of pressure, worry, and insecurity.

But life didn’t end.

I fought. I learned. I grew. And life went on.

And because life didn’t end when I didn’t want to leave the house due to my face and breakouts, I got to see my favorite band in person. Because life didn’t end when I shut myself away from the world, thinking no one could hurt or judge me at home, I got to go to my first fan meet and concert. Because life didn’t end when I feared social gatherings because of food, I got to eat again… new foods and my favorite ones. Because life didn’t end when I felt so alone, like I had no one — thinking it was the price I paid for constantly pushing people away and being distant — I met amazing and not-so-amazing people. I learned from them and got to spend more time with the people I love. Because life didn’t end when people commented on my body or when I obsessed over weight loss, I got to dance more rhythm on different stages with passionate souls — all thanks to my body and the things it does for me. Because life didn’t end when I struggled to love myself, I lived out my teenage dreams, pursuing my passions and having adventures. Because life didn’t end when I longed for kindness and understanding but received the opposite, I made a difference in people’s lives through outreach and charity. Because life didn’t end when I felt like a mess, I read more books, wrote more tales, witnessed more sunsets, swam in more ocean tides, danced in the rain, shine with the moon and stars, and see the golden embrace of daylight.

Yes, it’s still hard at times, but it’s not the end of our story — it’s just another chapter in our path to something greater.

There was a time when I thought maybe I was just creating these problems and feelings. That I shouldn’t have felt that way because, as others always told me,

“You are lucky.”

“You have a happy life.”

“You have a happy and healthy family.”

“I envy how you don’t have many problems.”

But what I’ve realized is that everyone can go through things. We have equal shares of struggles, though different in nature. And at that moment, at that time, that’s what I felt. It felt big to me, it weighed down on me, even when I’m “luckier” and have “fewer problems than the rest.” And that’s valid. Because at that moment, that’s what mattered to me. Even if my internal environment isn’t much of a struggle, there are other factors that can cause my suffering. There’s a bigger world, the outside world that is harsher, and I wasn’t prepared for it. There are outside factors, other people I encounter. And I was a teenager, I was a kid, and I went through stuff too.

To her who wanted to give up,

I want to give you a big warm hug. Tell you the most kind and lovely words. Tell you how I understand you. That you are beautiful. You are lovable. Your appearance, your weight, your body doesn’t define you.

Thank you for not giving up even if you wanted to, many times. Because of you, because you fought, because you’re brave, because of your courage, I got to experience these things, see more of the world, and live life. Everything will be fine. Things may not turn out as you want them to, and things are still tough at times, but it gets better, and everything will fall into place.

I commend you so much; you went through that, but you’re still here. I am so proud of you. And for you, for me, for the much younger us, and for the person we will become, I will continue to fight and rise more bravely, stronger, and kinder each time. We’ll be a fine line, and we’ll be alright.

Sincerely yours,

She who wants to live

Life doesn’t end with our darkest moments. On the other side of adversity lies the promise of brighter days. And what we go through doesn’t equate to the good things that’s coming.