Hate My Mother

I implore you to hear me out before you judge me. My mother has always been the most detrimental person in my life. Well, she and my stepdad. I am not here to give you a history lesson on my life or list off everything that she has done to me. I just need to let my story be expressed here in this way. Here we go.

I used to live with my mother and my stepdad. It is October and I came home from somewhere. My mom is crying uncontrollably in the master bedroom and my stepdad is on the couch asleep. I went to comfort her, and she would not tell me what happened.

Jump to the next year in February. They are fighting and my mother is suicidal from depression. The fight goes from nasty to domestic violence really fast. My mother disappears into the community. I go find her and she tells me that if I knew what he did me and my sister would disown my stepdad. However, she still would not tell me.

Everything goes back to normal, and I chalk it up to them being inebriated. They start fighting again one night. It gets just down-right horrible again. My mother goes and disappears into the community again. I go to find her again. This time she is at the bride to the entrance. She is crying hysterically. She tells me again that we would disown him. The only difference is this time she said it was personal for me. That changed everything. I needed to know, and she was going to tell me. I played it cool and eventually got her to tell me. She made me promise not to tell my boyfriend. She did not want to tell me.

I told her I had a feeling. An idea of what this might be pertaining to. I told her I had been having an intimate moment alone in bed when I heard that iconic Apple recording sound. The one that starts and stops a recording on an Apple iPhone. I was terrified of what I thought I heard at the time. I was not sure that I heard anything at all let alone what I thought it sounded like. I brushed it off and hoped I was wrong. Guess I was wrong. So, so wrong.

She told me that my stepdad had broken his phone and started using her old phone. When he gave it back, she went to clear out his things off of it. His stuff was still linked to the phone, and she went through it. She told me that she found two videos. One was about five minutes of me just looking at my body. She told me the other one was more than twenty minutes long of me masturbating in my room. It was shot from outside my bedroom window.

I died inside. I instantly thought back to December. They called me into their room. He wanted to give me a late Christmas gift. My mom had said something about my windows which prompted me to say, “No one can see in unless they get right up against the window”. First, I thought that having said that gave him the idea until I realized she said that because she had found out in October. I was so hurt that she did not tell me for four months. She did not help me change my curtains. She did not stop me from kissing his cheeks and giving him hugs. She kept having a relationship with him. She kept sleeping with him. She tried to move on and pretend it never happenend.