Nice Guys Finish Fifth, Sixth, and Seventh in Local Marathon

Each year since the inception of the local marathon nice guys, the brothers Tod and Ted Stephens, along with friend Jim Thorne, had finished last. Most had speculated that this year would be no different. Today, the Stephens brothers and Mr. Thorne proved the haters and doubters wrong, finishing fifth, sixth, and seventh respectively. A visibly tired, heavily sweat pit stained, but still smiling Ted Stephens said the following about the nice guy trios historic result. "I am just so gosh darned pleased with my performance, and especially that of my brother Tod and old college roomie Jim. With this finish under my belt maybe Cherry (Tims) will finally go on an actual date with me and agree to that candlelight dinner at Chez Rouzeau I have been asking her about for years. Assuming she says yes, I might be given the opportunity to patiently lay the groundwork for a long term relationship by listening intently and responding with genuine warmth and caring as she talks about the horrible day she had at the shoe factory where she works. This would be in contrast to our other 'dates' which have mostly been us meeting at the local Denny's and splitting a Moons over My Hammy for breakfast, as I listen intently and respond with genuine warmth and caring as she talks about the terrible day she had at the shoe factory. Those are really a waste of mine and her time. Although, she really does need a good shoulder to cry on, and, I am a really good listener. I guess it's not so bad. Eventually she will have to tire of empty passionate sex with various members of the high school football team. I can give her so much more than that. Except for the sex part, I can only handle so much of that until I get really tired and sleepy."

Red faced and breathing heavily nice guy Mr. Thorne added "I am also just so super duper pumped at all of our results. We really rocked the house, right fellas? I mean we rocked it good? I can't wait to tell my mom and dad tonight as I help them prepare dinner and then bathe them before administering their medications, and laying them down to bed at the old folks home where they currently live. Even though they have both gone totally senile and no longer remember me I still really enjoy my time with them. Except for when they tell me to get the hell out of their room, curse me using words I had no idea they even knew, scream that they don't know me and don't love me, then throw their meticulously prepared dinner plates at me from across the table. That part is not a lot of fun, but, parents, right, what are you gonna do?"

Seventh place finisher Tod Stephens, who many say is the nicest of the three nice guys, said the following as he lay gasping for breath on the sidewalk only steps from the finish line. "Can't breathe, my heart, please, somebody help me. Or, if it's too much trouble, that's OK, I can help myself, really, it's not a big deal. Let me just stand up here and start walking toward the hospital. Which way is that again? Excuse me ma'am, sir, would you be so kind as to point me in the direction of the hospital? No? Oh, ok, I understand, that is a big ask, especially at this time of day. Oh well, guess I'll just start walking in this direction and hope for the best." With that Mr. Stephens slowly stood, fell again, scrambled back to his feet and began slowly walking in what appeared to be an easterly direction. As of the time of writing this article his current whereabouts remain unknown.