Confessions of the Rising

*deep sigh* It is currently 6 am on a Monday, I'm slouched in bed with my cat curled up by me under the cover. I wish more than anything to just lay down completely to go back to sleep since being up at 3 am. Fudge, I love sleep so much it's giving me depression and avoidance of life vibes. Literally everyday "I wish I could get paid to sleep" repeats itself through my verbalization and while it's possible my consistency and dedication doesn't allow that just yet. My family probably think Azrie'l is a lost soul who needs to come back home (physically & spiritually).

There's so many things consistently running through my mind it's my reasoning for sleeping to escape. To escape thoughts and reality but even in my dreams I don't be safe (smh). Since the Pon-Don-Replay obviously lots of things have changed and become different. Mostly have been positive and some can be deemed as negative but I'd rather believe they're all positive changes. My main challenge is getting over being lazy, yes that's right lazy. All the ideas and creativity flowing through my mind stay idle while I bs around. Literally have great thoughts everyday but don't act on them which is getting old af, tiring, irritating, draining etc. To be true with myself and be accountable on why things don't get done is me typing this. The solution is to literally just do cause there's nothing else stopping me although I could find many things to blame my lack on. No babe, it's you. You are the drama and the blockage because after all the help you received mentally, emotionally, financially & spiritually you should be well off indulging in discipline, dedication, and consistency.

I tell people to be graceful with theirselves and if you read this you might think I'm not practicing what I preach. Which is true hahaha but giving myself tough love is my grace. The sternness coming from my Higher Self is what reminds me that life is not going to wait on me. Blessings won't just fall in my lap from me not sowing seeds. Sleep is good for you but too much of it will have you in a limbo. Not wanting to do anything but just that!

There's this video I saw of a woman talking about how people get scammed through Cash App and the part that constantly replays in my head is her blurting out "fight it!!". My goodness it smacks me everyday because I literally have to fight myself to remain present, to abolish fear, to move my body, to dedicate my time intentionally, to stay positive, to not cry and be there for my children. They deserve better than what I'm serving them. Giving it to myself straight to stay accountable because I'm the only one who's able to free Azrie'l. These confessionals might take me further than what anything else will. Simply because my transparency is a gift that many others don't possess.

People will believe I'm telling too much of my business, being too vulnerable or open and exposing myself but I believe this is literally my purpose. It's what keeps me authentic, helps me remain accountable (I'll NEVER shutup about this), makes me stick out like a sore thumb because nobody is willing to share themselves in this light. You know how much courage this ish takes!!!! Literally every time I decide not to be this way, not to share, not to be real to help others see they're not alone...I honestly become sad because I'm not fulfilling my purpose. It's just is what it is. I never cared about airing my dirty laundry when ish hits the fan because I can hold my weight, admit my wrongs, rebirth myself from just remaining honest and learning to change what needs to be changed.

I wish I could curse on this platform, it adds more spice for me. If you read this fully, you're appreciated and there's so much gratitude within me for those who continuously support me in anyway waiting on my breakthrough. It's here, I just have to accept it and continue being consistent rather than afraid. Now that's a good release! *gives self a hug*