Transcript of the First Republican Presidential Debate

In a worldwide exclusive, we has acquired the transcript of the debate via single-use access to a time machine. Could we have used it to travel back to 1889 to kill baby Hitler or to 2016 to delete to the master tapes of Baby Shark? Sure. Did we instead frivolously skip ahead a couple days to get a sneak peak at the first and largely irrelevant Republican Presidential Debate? You bet we did.

BRET BAIER: Welcome to the first Republican Party presidential debate. Joining us here on stage are Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, biotech entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy, South Carolina Senator Tim Scott, former South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley, former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, former Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson, and North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum.

Despite qualifying for the debate according to the loosy-goosy rules we set up, there are a few candidates who won’t be gracing our stage tonight. Notably, former President Donald Trump made it clear earlier this week that he’d rather spend time with Tucker Carlson than be here with us. That’s just how much he hates you, I guess. Miami’s Mayor Francis Suarez also pulled out after expressing concerns about returning to Florida after this event, fearing he might be confused for an immigrant and be shipped off to Martha’s Vineyard. Former Texas congressman Will Hurd has wandered into a broom closet backstage and can’t find the door.

Joining me to moderate this debate is Martha MacCallum but mostly it will be me, Bret Baier.

Now, let’s dive in with the question on everybody’s lips. By a simple show of hands, tell me who among you believes Joe Biden won the 2020 presidential election.

The candidates look at each other nervously, wondering who will be the first to raise their hand but, of course, no-one dares. Ron DeSantis begins to visibly sweat.

BRET BAIER: Okay, I’m going to repeat the question but this time I’m going to put my fingers up to indicate air quotes around the word “won”.

All the candidates except Vivek Ramaswamy put their hand in the air.

BRET BAIER: Somebody wants to be Vice-President, Mr Ramaswamy.

Alright, folks, now we got that squared away, let’s move on to the next phase of our debate. I’m going to pose individual questions to each of you in a way that paints me as a legitimately objective journalist while still giving you room to let your freak flags fly. Please answer succinctly in a way that will require the least out-of-context edits, depending on whether Rupert decides to make or break you.

Vice President Pence, we’ll start with you. Your stance on a national six-week abortion ban has been unwavering, while your fellow contenders seem to be dithered on this issue. What steps would you take to codify such a ban into law?

MIKE PENCE: Well, Bret, I’ve been pretty honest about my stance on this issue. Some might say ‘too honest’ but let me be perfectly clear. If a woman, or — to use the more formal terminology — a wanton harlot, wants to murder a precious, precious baby, there’s a simple test we can use to resolve this significant concern. On my first day in office, I will sign an executive order mandating that any woman seeking bodily autonomy should be subjected to a historically proven test with a resounding success rate to resolve the issue. An appointed Slutfinder General will oversee a trial where the woman in question is bound to a log and briefly immersed in the closest body of water. If she drowns, she is free to have an abortion. If she lives, she’s a witch who should be burnt at the stake.

MARTHA MACCALLUM: Wait, wouldn’t both of those things also absolutely kill the unborn baby?

CHRIS CHRISTIE: Jesus Christ!

MIKE PENCE: Jesus Christ indeed. Praised be his name.

VIVEK RAMASWAMY: Abortions are WOKE!

BRET BAIER: Appreciate your enthusiasm, Mister Ramaswamy, the next question is for you. You’ve gained prominence as a fierce advocate against what you call “wokeness.” Your debut book, “Woke Inc,” and your campaign have both heavily focused on this theme. Can you explain, preferably in the form of a laughably bad impression of an Eminem rhyme, exactly what woke is?

VIVEK RAMASWAMY: Yo, yo, let me break it down.

I got wealth and power, don’t wanna sound obscene,

But this woke culture thing is like a crazy dream,

People claim they’re woke, but they’re just asleep,

While my stacks of cash, they getting deep.

Unity, progress, and justice you seek,

But this America, where only money speaks,

I won’t be silenced, gonna draw the line,

Vivek Ramaswamy’s still standin’ prime.

I hustled hard, took risks that were bold,

Built a hedge fund empire, my game’s stone cold,

Critics talk, but I ain’t backin’ down,

’Cause at the end of the day, I wear the business crown.

Let me tell you ‘bout this private industry game,

where I made my billions, ain’t it quite the fame?

In the markets I saw gaps, I filled ’em with precision,

Now all I gotta do is stay outta prison.

BRET BAIER: Bitchin’ flows, my man. Now, Governor Christie, turning to you. It’s evident you’ve taken a firm stance as President Trump’s most vocal critic during this campaign, standing out quite distinctly from the cautious approaches of your fellow contenders. Would you elaborate on your reasons for opposing a second term for President Trump in the Oval Office?

ASA HUTCHINSON: Hey, I said that about Trump, too! Just in a boring, less charismatic way.

BRET BAIER: Sorry, Mr Hutchinson, I totally forgot you were a thing. Mr Christie?

CHRIS CHRISTIE: He tried to kill me.

BRET BAIER: Could you maybe expand on that a little?

CHRIS CHRISTIE: Are you fucking kidding me? This guy, he’s a narcissistic, self-absorbed, self-centered hustler who spent four years putting a system in place that would benefit people like him and ONLY people like him and, on his way out the door, tried to steal an election and, let’s not mince words, incite a full-blown uprising. On top of all that — and I can’t stress this enough — he intentionally gave me Covid, which nearly did me in. Take one look at me, Bret. Do I look like someone with a cardiovascular system capable of surviving an ingrown toenail, let alone a severe respiratory disease?

MIKE PENCE: You really want to talk about President Trump trying to kill someone, Governor? Hold my beer.

DONALD TRUMP: Oh, please, Mike. So maybe a few of my glorious patriotic supporters tried to hang you. Big deal. Maybe, just maybe, he should’ve done a better job at stopping the Biden crime family — you know, the ones who stole my landslide victory. And you nearly died because you’re a fat pig, Chris. Maybe even fatter and piggier than Rosie O’Donnell if you can believe that. Believe me.

BRET BAIER: Hold on a second, President Trump,how did you even get in here? And wait a minute, where did you even find that microphone and podium? You made it pretty clear you weren’t planning to be a part of this debate.

DONALD TRUMP: You know, Bret, let me tell you something. So, I was hanging out with Tucker — great guy, by the way — and he had to take a pee. So I saw the perfect opportunity to step out here on stage and give these losers a little dose of reality. Because, you know, when you’re the President, they actually let you do that. It’s true, folks. They let you.

BRET BAIER: Hang on a second, Mister President. I’m getting a message from my producer who says that we are absolutely 100% committed to not allowing anyone on stage who, like you, declined to sign a pledge to support the eventual nominee of the Republican Party. On the other hand, you’re great for ratings. So smoke ’em if you got ’em, Mister President.

MARTHA MACCALLUM: Senator Scott, you are an outlier among your fellow Republicans for two reasons. First, you are black. Second, people seem to find you actually likeable. Could you please share with our viewers one thing you’d like people to know about you.

TIM SCOTT: Thanks Martha. I wanna say I’m really happy to be here. Or anywhere, really. I’m just a really happy person. And I want people to know I’m not Herschel Walker. I mean, we are literally two different people. I’m not sure why I need to keep saying that. It’s almost like there’s some weird racist disconnect where white people can’t tell the difference between any two black men. That’s if racism existed in America, which it definitely doesn’t. Because if I said it did, I’d lose all my support and I’d have to go back to South Carolina. Please don’t make me do that.

DONALD TRUMP: Don’t worry about it, Herschel. You’re one of the good ones.

BRET BAIER: President Trump, it’s good to see you here, but I’ve got to bring up a point that’s been on my mind. Aren’t there more immediate matters that demand your attention? I mean, you’re facing criminal charges in New York, Florida, Washington, and even Georgia. It’s being talked about in the media that if you were to win the election, there’s a real possibility you could be trading the campaign trail for a jail cell by the time the inauguration rolls around.

DONALD TRUMP: That’s fake news, Bret.

BRET BAIER: Actually, it’s pronounced Fox News, but that’s a pretty common mix-up. Go on…

DONALD TRUMP: Folks, let me tell you, I’m going to make America great again, again. And you know what would make America great? Me not going to prison.

Now, I could take the easy route, just throw my support behind one of these guys over here, you know, those who promise to pardon me on day one. And believe me, with my backing, they’d be winners, absolute winners.

Everybody knows I’m big on loyalty, and let me tell you, it’s a very loyal thing to do, endorsing someone who’s less indicted than me, which, let’s face it, isn’t a high bar. But you see, I’ve also got this history of saying I’m gonna do one thing and then, well, things change.

Mostly its building contractors, the IRS, and even my own lawyer when I owe them money. Now, if any of these losers are even a little bit like me, they’d promise me that pardon then flip me like a pancake. And let me tell you, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take. We’re not gonna risk it, folks, we’re just not. It’s as simple as that.

BRET BAIER: Governor DeSanct… sorry, DeSantis — wow, that’s catchy — You are currently a distant second in the polls and dropping fast. A lot of people say it’s because you have the charisma of a dead fish, the sweaty palms of a heroin junkie, and the personality of a bad ChatGPT prompt. How do you plan to make up lost ground and reconnect with voters?

RON DESANTIS: Bret, my team over at the Super PAC has been sharing some interesting insights with me. They tell me that I’m quite popular among people who have never met me face to face. So here’s my strategy: I plan to be stuck in a room with as few folks as humanly possible and campaign entirely by way of slick social media videos which may or may not include subtle Nazi imagery.

MARTHA MACCALLUM: On that point, Governor…

GOVERNOR DESANTIS’ COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR: Sorry, Martha. We won’t be taking any questions today.

MARTHA MACCALLUM: Ms Haley, you have one of the most accomplished executive resumes of anyone in the race. You were the two-term Governor of South Carolina. You were ambassador to the United Nations. Your policy positions are traditionally conservative yet pragmatic and fall squarely within the mainstream centre-right framework favoured by most Republican-leaning voters. Yet you have struggled to achieve more than 3.6% support as the preferred Republican candidate. Why is that?

NIKKI HALEY: You know, there’s been quite a bit of talk suggesting it’s because I’m a brown woman. But I have to say, I’m not really buying into that narrative. I’m not about to pull the feminist card or the race card. I don’t expect Republican voters to vote for me because I’m a woman of color. No, what I’m counting on is letting them say they voted for a woman of color, which they can use to win an argument every time someone calls them out for the other horribly racist and misogynistic stuff they say the rest of the time. Plus, they can rest assured that, when the time comes to choose a vice president, I will pick the whitest man they have ever seen. I mean really white. Does anyone have Kid Rock’s phone number?

BRET BAIER: Okay, since everyone here not named Donald Trump is basically playing catch-up in the hope that he goes to prison, it’s time for a quickfire round. You are all aware of mounting evidence that President Trump may have illegally retained sensitive government documents, inspired a treasonous insurrection, and was allegedly caught on tape trying to change the results of at least one state’s election count. Given all this, are you prepared to publicly state that President Trump should be held accountable for these actions?

CHRIS CHRISTIE: I’m not just the only one with the balls to say that Donald Trump is guilty as hell and should go to jail, I’m betting my entire campaign on it. It’s my whole shtick.

ASA HUTCHINSON: I also have the, ah, testicles to say that and will do so immediately after Governor Christie does.

VIVEK RAMASWAMY: Consequences for your actions are WOKE and no reasonable voter or, say, potential vice-presidential candidate would support these charges.

DOUG BURGHAM: Well, Bret…

MIKE PENCE: Sure, President Trump tried to have me publicly hanged, but I’m just not convinced attempted murder rises to the level of a ‘crime’. An eye for an eye, as the good book says. It’s not like he had an abortion.

NIKKI HALEY: I’m not answering that because a) it’s a matter for the courts, and b) I have to go home to South Carolina after this and I don’t want to get Penced.

TIM SCOTT: I just don’t see it. He seems like an honest guy.

BRET BAIER: Well, that’s about all the time we have for individual questions. Let’s move on to closing statements.

DOUG BURGHAM: Wait, Bret, you didn’t ask me a question.

BRET BAIER: No, I did not. Vice President Pence, let’s start with you.

MIKE PENCE: We live in a Godless world where Muslim extremists are trying to destroy our way of life by demanding that our laws and our way of life should be dictated by a blind adherence to a fundamentalist religious text written centuries ago. By contrast, the America that I lead will be a land where people are free to live in strict and unforgiving accordance with the teachings of the Bible, regardless of the secular progress that we have made as a society over the past 246 years.

TIM SCOTT: Praise Jesus!

MIKE PENCE: Well, maybe not Jesus. There’s no place for that leftie New Age nonsense in a Pence Administration. Strictly Old Testament all day and all the way.

BRET BAIER: Senator Scott?

TIM SCOTT: This studio is really nice. And I really like all you people. I’m so happy to be here. God bless America.

BRET BAIER: Short but sweet. Governor DeSantis?

RON DESANTIS: Bret, I’m all about free speech. It’s a value I hold dear. That’s why I made it illegal to talk about gay and trans people or to be a corporation with a different opinion to me. It’s a real commitment to safeguarding your freedom of expression.

In fact, I’m so committed to it that I’m going to be crystal clear about what you can and can’t say. For instance, if you want to say that slavery might be the best thing that ever happened to black people, that’s A-OK with me. And if burning books is your thing, well, they are made of paper, right? Just don’t say gay. Or Disney. For the love of God, please don’t mention Disney.

BRET BAIER: Governor Haley?

NIKKI HALEY: Absolutely, I was part of the Trump Administration and never once spoke out about his constant attacks on our country in general, and on women in particular. However, that doesn’t necessarily imply that I’m in total alignment with him across the board. Or maybe it does. Depends what state I’m in at the time, I guess.

BRET BAIER: Governor Christie?

CHRIS CHRISTIE: Donald Trump is the worst President of our lifetime. I’m barely the worst Governor of New Jersey of the 2010s. He talks a big game, but what did he really accomplish during his time in office? Did he ever single-handedly shut down a major bridge connecting millions of people in two populous states as petty payback for a rival not supporting him in a gubernatorial race? No. Not even once. What a loser.

BRET BAIER: Mr Hutchinson, you’re barely a blip in the polls, your campaign qualified for this debate by the tiniest of margins, and this is your one and only shot. What’s your pitch?

ASA HUTCHINSON: What he said.

BRET BAIER: Mr Burgham, here’s a participation trophy. Thanks for turning up. Mr Ramaswamy?

VIVEK RAMASWAMY: America is fundamentally broken because it’s too woke. Fixing the existential climate crisis? Woke! Reasonable restraints on the behaviour of billionaires? Woke! Fair and equitable treatment for all Americans, even the ones who aren’t rich? Woke! Identity politics? Woke! Poor people? Woke! The FBI? Woke!

You know what’s not woke? Making a billion dollars through hedge funds and biotech. That’s cool AF, bro.

BRET BAIER: President Trump, no surprises here, but we are giving you the last word. Could you share your perspective on why you believe you’re the candidate best positioned to secure victory in the upcoming 2024 general election?

DONALD TRUMP: Come on, When you talk winners, there’s really only one name that comes to mind, and that’s me. Just take a look at these folks over here.

[pointing down the line at each candidate] He’s disloyal. He’s fat. He’s sweaty. He was a decent running back. He’s a loser. He’s also a loser. She’s a loser who’s also a woman. That one’s a loser, but he kisses my ass and he’ll pardon me if he wins.

Ah whatever, Bret. We all know I’ve got this one in the bag. I’m outta here.

BRET BAIER: President Trump, did you just literally drop the mic, RUN-DMC style?

DONALD TRUMP: That lapel mic thing, you know, it slipped off my tie. Now, I gotta tell you, it might have seemed a bit more impressive than it really was, and you know why? Because, believe me, I’ve got these hands — they’re very small hands, okay? Believe me.