Calling Moscow - 27

This conversation happened on June 28, 2024, after the first 2024 presidential election debate on CNN.

“Hello, Vlad?”

“Yes, Donnie.”

“He is done! He is so done, like a burnt toast! So done!”

“What are you talking about, Donnie?”

“Sleepy Joe! So well done! Did you see my debate last night?”

“Ah, that! No, I didn’t watch your debate.”

“How come?”

“First, Donnie, I don’t have to watch everything you do.”

“Oh.” [shocked pause]

“I have people for that” [pause]. “Second, Donnie, I just couldn’t watch Biden mumbling, stumbling and freezing mid-sentence. It was such a disaster!” [chuckles]

“Oh, so you did watch it?” [unsure]

“Of course, I did, just messing with you. How could I have missed the star performance by my best friend?”

“Phew, Vlad, you had me worried there for a second” [both laugh] “Did you really think my performance was star?”

“Of course, Donnie, you were strong, confident and forceful. Especially compared to Biden.”

“Yeah? I was so worried that they’d jack him up! Jack him up on something, give him a shot in his skinny old ass so that he is all jacked up, like at the State of the Union. Jacked-up Joe! I guess he did not show up. [chuckles at his own joke]. Instead, Sleepy Joe showed up, and he was so weak and meek!”

“Exactly! Maybe that should be your new nickname for him, Weak and Meek Joe.”

“You think?”

“Sure, it sounds great, and it rhymes.”

“Well, Sleepy Joe is kinda the same, covers both weak and meek.”

“Well, it’s your language, Donnie, I’m just making a suggestion.”

“OK, Vlad, I’ll think about it… Am I really your best friend, Vlad?”

“What?”

“You just said, like a minute ago, that I was your best friend.”

“Ah, that! Of course, Donnie, you are my best political friend. And will become even better when you win the election!”

“And I am one step closer to it now, Vlad! Maybe even a mile closer. So much closer to becoming the president again. I’ve read some reports, the democrats are in panic. So much panic, Vlad!”

“Yeah, Donnie, tell me how you feel!”

“I feel good, really good, Vlad!”

“Tell me why, Donnie, tell me why?” [like a personal coach]

“Because I won the debate last night! Won so bigly! Huge! And I will win the election in November! I will beat Sleepy Joe and become president again!”

“That’s the spirit, Donnie, keep it up!”

“I will, Vlad, I definitely will! So good talking to you. Do you think I should do the second debate?”

“When?”

“It’s now scheduled for September.”

“Well, let’s see. How do you feel about it?”

“I feel I could take him on, especially after my big win yesterday. Definitely would destroy him. But do I really need to?”

“You don’t?”

“Not really, I could just say, there’s no reason to debate again and cancel it. Simply cancel it.”

“What do you think the possible fallout from this could be?”

“Nothing, really. My supporters believe I won, they are rallying around me even more now. Biden can do nothing to improve his position now. Nothing!”

“That’s good. What if he decided to step down, like many Democrats are urging him to do now?”

“That will be even better for me, Vlad.”

“How? What if they nominate someone much younger and smarter, like Gavin Newsom or Mayor Pete?”

“Smarter than me?” [shocked and offended] “No one’s smarter than me! I’m one of the smartest people in the world! It’s because of my connection to MIT that I’m so smart!”

Putin is laughing into his sleeve. “No, Donnie, of course not smarter than you. I meant smarter than Biden.”

“Ah, OK. Well, the democrats are so divided now they will probably never do that. They will never nominate a candidate they all can agree and rally around. So, that will be good for me too. Maybe even the best.”

“So that’s your answer then, Donnie.”

“Answer to what?”

“If you should participate in the second debate.”

“Ah, that. I guess so. Just to make sure, it’s no, right, Vlad? I should not go for it. Just cancel the debate?”

“According to your own analysis, Donnie, yes.”

“Yes, to participate?”

“Yes, to not participate.”

“Yes, to cancel then? Right, Vlad? Cancel the debate?”

Putin, to the side, “What a moron.” To Trump, “Yes, to cancel the debate.”

“Ok, Vlad, thank you for your advice. I still have time, I will decide after the dust from this debate settles.”

“Good, Donnie. I have to go now. Congratulations again on your strong debate performance!”

“Thank you, Vlad!” [proud and pleased]

“Bye, Donnie!”

“Bye, my best friend!”

Putin, after hanging up, “Urgh! Such a moron! I hope democrats stick it with Joe, or we’re all screwed!”

Trump, after hanging up, “So good to talk with him this time!”