Semicolon

A semicolon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you, and the sentence is your life.

PROJECT SEMICOLON

“I get out of bed every morning, and it takes EVERY SINGLE OUNCE OF ENERGY that I have,… and then I have NOTHING left for the rest of the day. NOTHING!” I am what a person with an invisible disease looks like. If mental illness could be seen on a sufferer, maybe society wouldn’t say, “Just get over it!” I love quotes and memes, because somehow I can never accurately articulate what it is that I’m feeling. Other people seem to be far more capable/equipped than I, to give me the voice that I no longer have. Perhaps that is why I am at the place I am in my life. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been given yet, another chance to tell MY STORY. To be able to give a better understanding, of what it is to be ME!

Bipolar disorder is the sixth leading cause of disability in the world! Have you ever felt paralyzed? Ever felt mute? So overwhelmed and tired (body and soul), that you can’t get out of bed to enjoy your daughter, family, friends, or life. Well that’s how I’ve felt for almost 20 years. After a very long time, I’ve learned to let go of the feeling of resentment that I’ve held towards majority of people that can’t relate, or at least sympathize with me. With age, and some wisdom, I’ve come to the realization that I can’t harbor resentment towards people who don’t understand my illness, when after living with it myself, I have trouble understanding the way I feel, the reason I feel that way, and why I do the things that I do. This isn’t cancer, a broken arm, or a slipped disk. You can’t see it (except for the unfortunate fact that you just LOOK lazy. Smh), you can’t measure it! There is almost NO WAY to DEFINITIVELY prove that this “thing” I have is REAL! Unless like me, you FEEL IT! And when you feel it, there is no denying it! There is no willing it away, wishing it away, or some miracle cure. That is why it is soooo difficult for people with mental disabilities to get the emotional support, and financial help that they NEED! The only proof I can possibly give to anyone, are the years of “unfortune” I’ve had. Not being able to reach the great potentials that I KNOW that I am capable of. The ongoing years of therapy, medications, hospitalizations, and trying to find help to no avail. And with all that I've tried, still I see, I know, I feel the disappointment, the superiority “they” feel over me. The way people think that I’m exaggerating, or lying, or lazy, or just have no ambition. It hurts! It hurts more than you can imagine! “I believe you", are the most powerful words you can say to someone with an invisible illness. I never imagined my life would turn out this way. That I would be here at this age. If this is a scam, or an act, I haven’t benefitted from it at all. After all these years, it’s just now that I’m coming to terms with my limitations, and asking for financial help, because I can’t manage on my own. There are weeks when I haven’t closed my eyes for five days, so exhausted, yet “wired” at the same time. Speaking so fast, that no one can understand me. Doing reckless things, that even I can’t explain, or stop. Then there are the weeks when LITERALLY I can’t get out of bed. My life is meaningless, my existence pointless. I have no friends. I don’t talk on the phone. I don’t leave my room 98% of the time. I barely see my parents, with whom I live. I don’t buy new clothes, or nice things. I rarely even shower, or wash my hair. I just SIT on my bed! My mind is CONSTANTLY racing. The life I should have had, the things I should be doing, the future that looks so bleek, or even the futile argument my mother and I had 2 months ago. I YEARN for the noise to stop! I just want to be the teenager that used to laugh all the time. The girl that was voted CLASS CLOWN in high school. Almost anything but THIS SHELL that is afraid to speak, yet CRAVES meaningful conversation. Someone that gets so much anxiety around people, that I have panic attacks, yet is overwhelmed by loneliness. I can’t explain it, I don’t understand it, I can barely believe it, lol, so how can I expect “you” to? Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice that says, “I’ll try again tomorrow”. Here are some words that may help you better understand….

“Sometimes the hardest person to walk away from is the person you’ve always assumed you were”, or thought you WOULD BE!

“Rock bottom will teach you lessons that mountain tops never will”

“It’s not easy taking my problems one at a time, when they refuse to get in line.”

“Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hate socializing. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about EVERYTHING then caring about NOTHING. It’s feeling EVERYTHING AT ONCE then feeling PARALYZINGLY NUMB”

“Depression isn’t always “I’m going to kill myself”, sometimes it’s “I’ve been in bed all day and I haven’t showered”, “I skipped work to sleep”, “What’s the point of finishing”, “I’m not hungry” or “I can’t stop eating”

“I’m fighting **it in my head EVERY DAY that NOBODY knows about.”

“I either cry or turn into a psychopath when I’m mad there is no in-between.”

“Having a mental disorder makes you see the world in a different way. You notice things normal people don’t. Like the faint scars on people’s arms, the emptiness in their eyes, the way they smile with their mouths but not with their eyes, the anxiousness they feel when having to eat in front of others, just little things most would look over, but you notice. Because they’re just like you.”

“If you knew my WHOLE STORY, you’d be proud of me.”