My Inner Evil

There it goes again, that little evil voice inside my head. It is the one that goes off every time I have to deal with another dramatic, crazy episode with my alcoholic, drug addict Bipolar husband.

I believe I fully hate him now. Married nearly forty years and it has been decades of chaos, drama, verbal battles, and medical emergencies with him.

I know, I know, you are asking yourselves what the hell is wrong with this woman that she has taken this dude's crap for all these years. Well, for someone who has never had to deal with a person like my spouse it is extremely hard to understand.

But...if you have someone like this in your life you kind of get it. At first, it started out we had three kids to raise and I didn't want them to come from a broken home, so I just rolled with it best I could to keep the peace and the kids away from his dysfunction.

Then the years fly by the kids grow up and you find yourself older and change is hard. I mean I have been a stay at home mom and housewife from day one. Married young, really have no job skills to speak of.

Next for me came some health issues. Blood clot issues, arthritis, and such. Not to mention, being mid-fifties makes it a little hard to find a job to support yourself. I know it is still no excuse. You are not thinking anything I haven't thought out myself.

Then his health issues, skin cancer, diabetes, alcoholism, drug addiction, he has damn near killed himself twice overdosing, withdrawing, and such. But, I still stay...and stay...and stay.

He is becoming verbally meaner by the day and on a day like this I just want to pull a Julia Roberts in "Let's Give Them Something To Talk About."

If you haven't watched that movie I suggest you do it is pretty funny. However, the scene I am talking about is when she wants to get back at her cheating husband she follows one of her southern aunt's revenge recipes that makes him suffer a pretty nasty case of something like food poisoning.

I mean I THINK about it, but I won't ever do anything. It is just hard to control that inner evil little voice that has been pushed to the brink. Thank goodness for meditation, and self-control, right?

All joking aside, I really have had my fill of him. So I have decided to figure out a plan of action. It may take me a bit to get all my ducks in a row especially with freaking COVID. This has made life much harder for everyone, everywhere and I feel for everyone who has been affected by this horrible virus.

For now, I will bite my tongue, make my future plans and try and control the inner evil inside best as I can. I know there are a lot of women, men too who are dealing with someone in their lives battling addiction of one sort or another and my heart really does go out to you all as well.

I know first hand just how hard it is. So I hope no-one takes offense to my coping mechanism of using a bit of humor to deal. Bret Michaels from Poison wrote a song called One More Day and these lyrics have always stood out to me.

"Forgive me if I laugh

It's just to hide the tears"

Some days it is the only thing that does seem to help.