How Group Therapy Made Me a Better Parent for My Transgender Son

Group therapy changed my life.

Soon after my son came out as transgender, he started seeing Dr. M, a gender therapist — a mental health expert who specialized in gender identity. He saw Dr. M one-on-one as well as in a group session with other kids around the same age.

It was in the waiting room during my son’s group sessions that I became acquainted with several other parents of transgender kids. After a few weeks of shyly acknowledging one another in passing, we were all invited by the gender therapist to join a group session of our own.

One week later I walked into the therapist’s waiting room with my son as usual. But this time he went off to one room with Dr. M, and I went to another farther down the hallway.

I stepped into a small room crowded with a circle of chairs next to one another. There were seven of us parents and a young therapist I’d only seen in passing previously.

Emotions are valid.

At the beginning of that first parents’ session, we went around the circle and each of us introduced ourselves and gave a little background. Two things became crystal clear in those first moments.

1. These parents were just like me — scared, confused, overwhelmed, and completely lost on what and how to do whatever it was they were supposed to do next in order to help their kid.
2. Every single one of us was nervous and terrified of judgment. Jittery legs, wavering voices, and stares at the floor didn’t lie.

After introducing ourselves, our therapist asked if anyone would like to talk about anything, in particular, that night. A mom across from me suddenly broke down in tears.

She explained she was petrified her transgender daughter would kill herself because of all the bullying she’d endured at school. This distraught woman was visibly shaking and sobbing while she spilled out all her fears about her daughter’s future — or possible lack thereof.

As I looked around our little circle I noticed other parents were nodding and crying also. I found myself with wet cheeks as well. This woman shared her emotional outpour of anxiety, worry, and concern while the rest of us struggled to keep our own feelings hidden for a few minutes longer. We allowed her the time she needed while simultaneously waiting impatiently to share our own fears.

And so it went, parent after parent. Each of us sharing our hearts filled with disquiet, panic, and apprehension over our children’s well-being.

Find your tribe.

I’ve heard this a lot as a writer, but it holds true in life as well. Spending time with those who are dealing with many similar struggles helped give me perspective.

When my son first came out as transgender it felt like I suddenly had no idea how to be a parent. I was clueless about what being transgender even meant. I had never known a transgender person — at least that I’m aware of — and I had no one to talk to about how to navigate this new world my son was diving into and pulling me in with him.

Now I had a group of people I could share my concerns with and get honest feedback on how to handle them. Our sessions were filled with each of us sharing our bad days and good days — the battles we lost during the past week and the victories to be celebrated.

Throughout the year I was a part of this group, I heard a parent describe what it was like searching for their daughter in the middle of the night after finding the remains of a suicide attempt in her bedroom. I heard a father share how he navigated “the sex talk” with his transgender son because his ex-wife didn’t believe being transgender was real. She actually refused to be a part of their thirteen-year-old son’s life anymore.

I got to hear about a mom’s success in finding a wonderful endocrinologist for her transgender daughter. What should have been a short phone call to find an expert, turned into a several weeks endeavor. She was so excited to finally find a doctor who had experience with transgender teens that she brought cupcakes for all of us to share in her glee.

There’s comfort in knowing you have people you can share anything with. Sometimes the things you need to talk about are too heavy to discuss with family or friends. Sometimes it’s easier to share your feelings with people you know won’t judge what escapes your mouth because they understand in the most personal way.

Get insight and personal advice.

When my son decided he wanted to further transition with the help of hormones, surgery, and a legal name change, I had a group of people to ask for guidance. Many of the doctors and specialists my son continues to see have been found due to recommendations of other parents from those early group therapy sessions.

Concerns surrounding school, sleepovers, parties, and many other public and social gatherings, were comparatively discussed within our little group. Tips and tricks were shared for those whose kids were still stealth in public. We explored how to best navigate public restrooms many times.

In group therapy, where all the parents have transgender kids too, it was easy to open up and share my thoughts and feelings about all these new decisions my son and I both needed to make. Everyone in that therapy room knew exactly what I was going through. Knew exactly how it felt to not have the answers your child desperately needed.

So we shared our thoughts and opinions on it all with each other and made the best decisions we possibly could for our kids, all while supporting one another.

Learn how to deal with the rest of the world.

Group therapy gave me a safe space where it was okay to cry, or get angry, or celebrate what most would consider the mundane. Conversations were guided by a kind therapist who encouraged us all to share whatever we wanted. These discussions were the catalyst that taught me how to talk with family and friends about my transgender son.

It was helpful to hear other parents talk about how they told loved ones that their kid was transgender. I learned how to explain something that might not be easily understood. And I also learned how and when to stand my ground when someone refused to accept my son for who he is.

Stay in touch.

I still talk with some of the parents from those group therapy days even though it’s been years since our last session together. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone in what feels like an uphill battle some days. Most times our conversations are all about the happiness we see in our kids now — now that they’re secure in who they are and feel acceptance from at least their parents.

There are days when the current political climate gets one of us down or panicking about our kids’ safety though. Those days it’s especially nice to be able to pick up the phone and call a friend who understands.

If your child is transgender they are likely to see a gender therapist. That doctor’s office will be able to recommend where you might find group therapy for parents like you if they don’t offer an option themselves.

There’s relief in learning you’re not the only one who is struggling with raising a transgender child. And there’s nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. A little guidance can go a long way. I went to group therapy sessions for a year and it changed my life — and my son’s life — for the better.

Here are 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Transgender Teen.