Defining child abuse and what it entails

"Child abuser" is a powerful expression and most of us will tiptoe around it before making serious accusations. Abusive parents hurt their children because they don't realize the impact of their actions and don't think of themselves as abusers. Abused children tend to forgive their parents' behaviors because they think the harm is not intended. Child abuse is a difficult issue to tackle because parents and children do not know what it is to begin with. As a result, no solution is brought up to address child abuse and the consequent psychological trauma children face long after they became adults.

What is child abuse? At which point can we label a parents' action as abusive? Is there a clear definition to what parents are allowed to do to their kids?

Experts define child abuse as any way an adult can harm a child, through action or inaction. The harm may take the form of physical abuse (physical violence and injuries), sexual abuse (involving a child in sexual activities) and emotional abuse (humiliations, insults, threats).

In most cases abusive parents do not mean to hurt their children but, whether the harm is intentional or not, the emotional injuries inflicted to the abused children are real and will last for years. When you are responsible for permanently traumatizing a child, it can hardly be considered as an unintentional mistake or a lack of knowledge on how to correctly raise a kid. As an abusive parent, you either do not care very much about the wellbeing of your children (neglect, inaction, failing to give your child love and affection) or straight up want them to suffer (humiliation, yelling, physical violence). That is why it offends me when people say that parenting is not an easy enterprise and that we should not be too hard with parents who screwed up because they did not mean it. All it takes not to cause long-term harm to your child is love, affection, care and the fact that you try your best to be a good parent.

I say that “in most cases” abusive parents do not intentionally harm their children feelings or bodies because I know from experience that some of them will use their offspring as a way to lash out at them in anger and vent their frustration with life, and in my case the harm was intended. My mother wanted someone else to feel her pain and when it was not enough she eased her frustration by causing me pain, whether it was emotional or physical. There was a time when my older brother disrespected her and rushed out to end an argument with her. Her immediate reaction was to turn to me and to start beating me up with her bare hands. I can still feel the pain, disbelief and injustice I felt at this moment. I can still remember the red marks on my arms and backs (at some point I just turned around and ran to my room) that appeared after she was done taking it on me.

Some other day, she was just sitting in her room and feeling bitter because everything was not going her way. Long story short, each time my brothers and sisters did not bend to her whims, she would turn into a 50-year-old, pain-in-the-ass brat and made it her duty to annoy everyone around her. I was walking past her room to go to school when she saw me and told me with a sly smile: “Oh, what a shame! I saw that you went to bed early last night. Maybe I should have let you go out with your friends for once since you begged me for it. You are always lurking in this house, I will start to think you are part of the walls”. I remember stopping, looking straight in her eyes (surely in an attempt to uncover what was really going on in her sick broken mind) and just turn around to get out of this house, away from her. It hurt, she saw that and took pleasure in seeing me suffer.

“Misery loves company”.

This publication does not offer a solution to stopping child abuse, or at least handling it. The only escape I see when you are facing an abuser is to cut ties, however hard it can be. Just leave. Abusers cannot be reasoned with. They see themselves as victims exerting their righteous revenge on people around them.

The abuse you are getting is never your fault, therefore it should be up to you to fix the situation or try to fix the abuser. Do not feed his/her delusion and leave. Abusers need others (loved ones, friends) to inflict abuse. They can’t hurt anyone if they’re left on their own.

Thanks for reading. Take care of yourself.