satire
If there's alcohol involved, rest assured there's plenty to parody: Satires of drinking culture and our relationship to alcohol make us laugh, and think.
Confession Corner: The Prom Heist
Forgive me Vocal readers, for I have sinned. Wait! Forgive me again, because there is something I must do in order to be worthy of your forgiveness. Yes, it pains me so, but I must first put my transgression, my crime, my utter shame into writing. I will not omit a single dreadful detail from the egregious episode for fear of damning my eternal, online soul. I have my reputation and the view counts on my subsequent articles to think about! After years of torment, carrying around a burden of guilt like the bloke with the chains around his neck from that Charles Dickens book (the one with The Muppets in it), it shall be a great relief to me to finally open up about this subject. I also hope that this article somehow finds its way to the person my friend and I wronged all those years ago because part of me feels like this magical, storybook scenario would bring a sense of closure and catharsis to everybody involved. The other part of me would probably just be grateful for the extra click on my article to be honest (free money and all that). So, without any further ado (not adieu), I shall relay my outrageous – but unfortunately very true – tale unto you all. This, my friends, is the story of The Prom Heist.
By Marco Cardoni3 years ago in Proof
Red Skinned Grapes
I know I’m supposed to be grateful just to have a job during these unprecedented times. I’m not though. Waitressing was never exactly a passion project for me. I began working in restaurants back when I was a bright-eyed nineteen year old, before I realized the term “passion” was a trap manufactured by big money to manipulate lost little dummies like me into working away our most optimistic years for them, all the while convincing ourselves this was our lives’ purpose, back when I believed that artists like me could hone their craft and still make money, that art was really everywhere—in logos, business cards, corporate Christmas party invitations, branded PowerPoint templates—back when I thought I had taken the sensible approach by getting my Bachelor of “Arts” in Graphic Design. Around the same time, by some miracle of chance and family-friend connections, I had landed the coveted position of Junior Graphic Designer at a for-profit hospital. Our director told my cohort of creative new cogs early on that in our new roles, we were encouraged to bring our fresh ideas, our untainted creativity, our unjaded perspectives to work every day and to share with the world the visions that only the likes of us could conjure. Within certain parameters as defined by the corporate style guide, of course.
By Keely O'Keefe3 years ago in Proof
It started and ended with Merlot
Five years. Five years since she’s felt a man’s touch, or a woman’s for that matter. It hasn’t been all that bad. She finally got back up, she learned about herself, what she likes and she gained her life back. It was lonely, but necessary. It wasn’t easy being with a man that required all of her attention and he knew nothing about her. She lost herself in him and his life. It started and ended with a bottle of Merlot.
By kathleen truglio3 years ago in Proof
Legend of Frat Boy, Hobo & Housewife
It was St. Patrick’s Day and three best friends — Frat Boy, Hobo and Housewife — were out partying. After a few green drinks, they began to quarrel. Frat Boy claimed he could out drink Housewife. Housewife disagreed. So they asked Hobo to decide who the superior drinker was. Unable to choose between his friends, he arranged a beer chugging competition.
By Casper Tales3 years ago in Proof
The Hangover
I think most people can agree that being drunk can be awesome, but being hungover can be worse than death. Some hangovers aren’t that bad, if all you got is a little dry mouth and a light headache; you are one lucky bastard. Some hangovers are like having a demon possess your body and it wants to reenact scenes from the Exorcist.
By Mae McCreery4 years ago in Proof
Zima
A few weeks ago, one of my coworkers asked me if I was going to be bringing Zima back. The topic of Zima had been brought up months prior, during a conversation between said coworker, our boss, and myself as an alternative drink to beer. As a current 26-year-old, Zima did not mean a whole lot to me. To be honest, it sounded like a virus carried by mosquitos, let alone something thirst quenching. Then again, as a youth, I swigged back the strange, green liquid known as Surge.
By Dante Cooper7 years ago in Proof
Archer's Guide to Cocktails
Please note that the following are cocktail recipes. You won't find anything about wine in this article, as Sterling stated to me over what I believe was his fifth scotch, he does not have a vagina. He also wanted to avoid highball recipes, because a highball is technically just a spirit and a mixer, and frankly, if you need to recipe to tell you to add soda to scotch, then you probably shouldn't be drinking anyway. Archer has been kind enough to not only share his favorite recipes but provide us with some stellar quotes too.
By Katya Krakowska7 years ago in Proof
Weird Drinking Laws in America
Alcohol has had an odd history in the court of law. During Prohibition, alcohol became illegal, which, it turned out, did little to stop people from drinking. Shocking. As the drinking age creeps higher and higher with the passing years, many people feel constricted when it comes to alcohol laws. However, rest assured that, while alcohol restrictions throughout the United States may be a pain, some states have laws that are not only oddly strict, but strictly odd.
By Miranda O'Conner7 years ago in Proof
Craft Beer Trends That Need to End
Craft brewing has been a booming business for the last few decades or so. Of course, with the rise of these small breweries comes the rise of silly gimmicks. Most of these trends stem from marketing magic, trying to trick you into buying things you don’t really want, while some are just baffling craft beer trends that need to end. I’m proposing we collectively agree to let these fads slip silently to the wayside. Let’s keep the focus on what makes craft beers great and what sets them apart, not a bunch of ridiculous barroom trends. Some are annoying, some are pompous, and some are just plain weird. Beard beer anyone?
By Iwan Palinski7 years ago in Proof