Spilling my guts

We were told, that we were supposed to grow so we could be big and strong

But what they forgot to mention was that you weren't supposed to be too big or too strong

(because who would possibly love me, what value could I provide if I was not little and delicate)

When did it all change?

One day, in 8th grade I woke up and I didn't want to grow anymore

I stopped marking my height in the doorway and started marking the inches on my tape measure

I believed in the science until I decided I was religious,

to the tumblr blogs and the workouts and my 1200 a day.

And I got good at hunger, disguising it for growing pains

when the only thing painful was the thought of growing

So I spent years telling myself if I do this, they'll love me,

Like wearing a size 00 jean was an unspoken secret to unlocking every piece of happiness I ever wanted

And then I fainted in a sandwich shop.

The world; black,

The bread; white

That's when it ACTUALLY changed

Doctors offices, blood tests, therapist zoom meetings

Crying when I had to eat raisin toast

Having a breakdown in a restaurant bathroom because there was goat cheese on my salad and I couldn't avoid it

And it KEPT changing,

slowly, so slowly

But I tried my first croissant, and finally got to rank every donut hole flavour that my friends fought over

And it wasn't linear and it won't ever be linear

I don't have physical scars, but it will show on me forever, in some way

But my friends still love me, even if I can't see my spine

I can take my mom out for brunch, and eat a whole waffle if I want

I'm allowed to run and lift weights again

And I grew, a whole inch

Maybe this won't resonate with anyone

But if you were looking for a sign, this is it

I won't give you a falsified spoonful of sugar approach

Recovery is hard

But hating yourself ultimately, is harder