Normalized Pain

When it was my first time, I was told to go on top,

Unknowingly, I trusted him,

Just to be treated as an object,

To be placed on his lap while I braced for impact,

I tried to hide my face,

Hide the pain,

As he continued as if he didn't see it,

It was the first of my times my hands clinched,

Trying to avoid digging my nails into his back,

Trying not to react,

A continuous act,

An acceptance to a non-verbal contract,

That I never said yes too,

But I never said no either,

I would consistently hope he would see the tears forming in my eyes,

Stop me and say this isn't something we have to try,

That was my first experience, and the first of many cries,

I convinced myself that he was not all guys,

He was manipulative, shaming and not my type,

But this was not the only time,

I would cry,

Not the only time, my face would lie,

Not the only time I had to pretend to enjoy where there was pain,

Suffer for someone else's gain,

Their names would change,

And a few even felt safe,

But from time to time, I would end up back in the same place,

But this time,

My back faced them,

My pillows hid my pain,

My clinches were thought to be desired,

My body tensing, was played off as being tired,

Because I had normalized it,

Their needs were more important than mine,

Because it no longer felt like it was just this one time,

It became a necessary action,

A physical transaction,

I would write it off as part of the relationship,

It's not always 50/50, someone has to give,

In order to receive,

The love I needed,

Before I had ever fallen in love,

I believed I was broken,

I believed my body was a token,

To be given to someone else's needs,

That there wasn't something wrong with them, it was me,

I have since found, I am not broken,

That my needs and desires deserve to be spoken,

But it's interesting how something that once left me traumatized,

Has become something so normalized,

A part of life,

No reason to cry,

Just a part of being a woman, dating a guy.