Whole Heart

I was raised to love,

with my whole heart,

Nurtured to believe I was whole from the start,

That my feelings have value,

That there was nothing I couldn't do,

I was nurtured to believe in my truth,

Speak to my own beat,

With the support of where I could leap,

But overtime,

that empowerment has turned weak,

I no longer speak without hesitation,

carefully proceeding words of manipulation,

Words that I know are safe,

Treading in conversations that take me to a place,

That I have processed,

That I know,

Somewhere I am not afraid to go,

Somewhere where I know the reaction,

That my growth comes off as attractive,

But its honestly,

Not true vulnerability,

Its predictability,

Because I am no longer whole like I once believed,

My voice has been taken out of context,

twisted, scorned and used in defense,

Every time I love someone,

I give them everything my heart has to give,

And when we part,

They move on with a fresh start,

And I leave without another piece of my heart,

But then when I try to move on,

I have less and less to give,

To yet another person I want to believe in,

But I am no longer sure what it feels like to have my heart safe,

Is there a place,

Where my deepest wounds don't have to hide,

Where I am comfortable to sit and cry,

And feel heard and held,

Where I can feel known without having to tell,

I want to be whole on my own,

With that young girls hope on where she could go,

But I have been torn a few times,

Through the hope of love, but lost in the cries and lies,

I'm not entirely sure, what whole even feels like,

And I still dream of having a partner to a better life,

Someone to say good morning and good night to,

Someone where I can speak my truth,

without the fear of losing them too,

But for now,

I will keep treading the water I know I can swim in,

Learn everything I can about them,

Maybe let myself fall in love again,

But will I ever be able to let them in?