how much time?

i was posed the question

how many years?

how long would the world have been

without you

if you had succeeded?

what would you have missed

.

this unfamiliar pain and triumph

boiled over

mostly, because i did not know the answer right away

a deep yearning for life took hold

for the light and the dark

they are both beautiful

a silence inside

one i hadn't noticed existed

tempered by echoes of pain

interrupted by waves of gratefulness

doubled each time i realized I could feel it

.

for the pain of survival

only exists

in the harm i caused others

those days

.

instead

i saw the sun rise and set

i gave and received love

i heard music

i fell in love

i wrote words

i made art

since that sinister simmering whisper

is gone more days than not now

and wanting to survive, thrive

is a pretty new feeling

that question

this realization

of all that time

that extra time

that some people beg for

i would have taken from myself

all of the things i would have missed

all of the things that would have missed me

so how much time?

i could tell you

but it wouldn't matter

because you wouldn't have noticed

but i'm here now

i'm here