English English Please

This article came about as a result of an editor, who didn't know I was English, Americanising the text on one of my stories. And it seemed to me that it might be an idea to write a short piece explaining some of the differences.

Let's start with simple numbers to make it nice and easy for you. As a rule, despite what Grammarly has to say about it, we do NOT hyphenate double digit numbers. Twenty one should NOT be written as Twenty-One. Likewise, twenty four seven, and absolutely NOT 'Twenny se'en'.

Please try to remember that the English have a very peculiar way of dealing with measurements. In our infinite wisdom, we took it upon ourselves to mix metric with imperial numbering systems. Hence when you decide to build a house or extension, you will find plasterboard, which you guys call Drywall, usually measures metric one way and imperial the other. So don't be too surprised when you discover that the board measures two metres (NOT meters) by two yards.

Ok, now for the highly insulting displacement of the letter 'S' for Zed, or Zee as I have heard some of you call it. Organise, monetise, democratise…See? All with an 'S' not a 'Z' in sight, not Zight, by the way.

Another irritant is when I hear you say the word 'Obligated'. The word is 'Obliged'. And please, stop writing Color, Favor, Neighbor, when it is Colour, Favour, and Neighbour. We want 'U' back where it should be. Another immensely risible pronunciation is the name Colin Powel It should be said with a short 'O'. Col-in, NOT Coal-in. Got it? And no, you cannot say "I didn oughta do tha." instead of "I should not have done that."

Now for a few other mildly irritating idiosyncrasies, you guys have acquired. What you call a diaper, we call a nappy. The hood of a car is a bonnet. In English English, the hood of a car is the soft fabric top of a convertible, which you guys call a drophead. And the trunk is the boot, logical really since that was where they used to put their dirty boots. A car's fender is a wing.

Ok, so that is your starter for ten on this subject. I can add more as they come up on Grammarly. 

Oh, and before one of my American friends mentions it, I KNOW long before America was even thought of, the British tried to rule the world as they invaded, pillaged, robbed, and raped their way around the globe. And I am fully aware that when it comes to imperialism, especially with the use of language, we are the experts. However, just because we did it first, does not mean you can do it back to us. 

Great Britain has always punched well above its weight, and still trying to do so now! Surprisingly enough, that is not why it is called Great Britain. GB got its name to differentiate it from the much smaller Little Britain. 

As for the UK, or the United Kingdom, I am sorely tired of seeing that referred to as a language or country when I go on certain internet sights to buy an airplane ticket and want to choose a country or language.

And finally, I am so sick and tired of everybody thinking that London is England. It isn't, any more than California is America. We have lots of other fine cities like Liverpool, which was where a little known group called the Beatles came from, where I was born and brought up and learned, on pain of death at some mafia run Catholic school, how to write and speak correct English, the best English on the planet, period.

And before you ask, no I do not know some guy called Joe, who now goes under the name of Brandon, who you met thirty years ago in some long forgotten bar, and all you can remember is that he said he is from somewhere in Liverpool.

Well, that's all for now folks. In the meantime, please do read the Revocation of Independence by Mr John Cleese below. And remember, it's all in good fun.

"Former Monty Python member John Cleese did not pen a satirical piece announcing the revocation of America's independence for failure to elect a competent president.

To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation."

* John Cleese