When He's Not the One

Breaking up is sort of like empty nesting. It leaves a mark on your soul and your heart. You know you'll survive. I fell in love with a biker. He's a ladies man for sure, and I'm a teacher. I can't think of a worse idea, but it worked for a minute, until it didn't.

This great guy walked out of my life today, not a fine young man, an old, bitter man, but I loved him just the same. Problem is, he didn't love me back. Problem was I didn't love myself. I got caught up in the attention, and the clothes, and the lifestyle, and I starting losing myself, and losing respect for myself. At times I was a pick me girl. I didn't like myself. Problem is, I'm a relationship addict, in a world that no longer appreciates a good woman. But truth be told, I'm not that good of a woman. I lie, cheat and steal to get my way. I did it with this man too. I fooled around and fell in love.

I had some of the best nights of my life with this guy. But I've also had the best nights of my life alone. Now that I think of it, I've had far better nights alone than with people most of the time. If you're confused, don't worry, so am I. I'm talking myself into a relationship because that's what I do. There is a certain stigma to being single, and there shouldn't be. The older I get, the more I think romance is not in the cards for me. I need to be selffish for the first time in my life.

I'm terribly bi-polar, and I really can't ask anyone to put up with me, at least not now. I had an ex-boyfriend talk me into going off my medication. What a disaster that was. I'm still stabilizing from that. I even caught a case from that disaster. I also quit drinking and I've been looking at my dude through rose-colored glasses. All of the red flags, just look like flags when looking at them through rose-colored glasses.

Then, a funny thing happened, the other day. As I was starting to feel like I was falling in love, I also thought to myself, this is terrifying. Love is messy and complicated. I don't want that and I don't need that. My walls are up higher than I realized. I went through an $87,000 divorce. I also realize that my Victorian upbringing wants me to have a relationship, whether or not it suits my lifestyle. And it just doesn't suit my lifestyle right now.

I kept telling myself that is a timing issue. But if the timing isn't right, then he's not the one. I'm still romantic enough to believe that there is a "one" for me, but then I think I've watched too many Disney movies with my girls.

In reality, I'm still grieving the empty-nesting, and I'm trying to fill that void, with something, alcohol, cigarettes, medications, shopping and sex. Breaking up isn't the end of the world. I just have a crush on him. Nothing more than a crush. After my ex, I'm going to think anyone is nice. And it sucks to mourn the life you used to have. I used to have it all, and I can't stand it. I had a high paying job, and a vacation home, and husband with three beautiful children.

But this man I was fooling around with, who has been around the block, is kind and generous, but that is just one his parlor tricks. At the end of the day, if we got into a relationship, I know it would always fail. Love doesn't last - if you don't believe me look at the mommy needs her wine culture and the divorce that. So, I'm in love, or probably in lust, but this too shall pass. Both times I got married, I swear I would love them til end of time, and now I'm twice divorced. The end of time came and went and all it did was leave me dead ass broke, with a drinking problem to boot.

Just because the man I slept with isn't toxic, it doesn't mean he's the one. I just don't know how to respond to non-toxic people because I've only ever been in toxic relationships.

I lived vicariously through my children, to the point that when they empty nested, I became a depressed drunk. This cost me my job and my freedom - I even earned an ankle bracelet. The more I write, the more I realize, that I'm not really as broken hearted as I think I am. In fact, I'm much more of a loner than I realize.

I was a terribly shy person as a child, and I've learned that shy people need their space. I've spent so much time in books, writing in my diary and walking in the woods that I have gone long periods of time alone, but relationships are only good for me when it is convenient. I treat my boyfriends like a Gucci Purse, but that's cruel. People want to be loved unconditionally. Not loved after their teeth are fixed, they have a better job, they lose weight etc.

It's really nice not have a ball and chain. Your personal life always spills into your professional life, and I can't afford that right now. In fact, I can't afford anything right now, not even a boyfriend. It sucks, but it's true. On the plus side, I get to sleep like a cat.

Don't be afraid to be single ladies. I'm finding that there is an unexpected joy and excitement in being sober and single. Sober is sexy; going to the bars is no longer cute. And my unboyfriend, is a party guy and bar fly; eventually it will no longer be cute. Eventually, I will become a budweiser widow. And that could cause me to drink.

I'd like to have a drink, but they make me break out in handcuffs, plus I have plans for Christmas. I don't have another recovery in me. I really don't.

All the single ladies, be proud of yourself for loving yourself first! It's hard in this culture to do so, but the more I get to know people, the more I like my books, my bed, and no one else but me.