Focus on Yourself - The Rest Will Follow

I have developed Three Vital Questions to guide my thinking in all situations. I need to focus on myself first; there is hardly enough left of me to make one respectable person.

What would a mature 51 year old woman do?

Realize that I have gotten off track. I may miss a man, but I will miss me more if I let this relationship move forward. As I never had my own dreams, I get lost in other people's dreams. Its literally not them, its me. You all know a girl like this - she suddenly loves football because the guy she is with loves football. I suddenly liked baseball cards when my ex and I were first dating because he loved baseball. You get the picture.

My friends are like the island of misfit toys. A mature 51 year old woman is secure enough to know that her friends aren't going anywhere, her true friends anyway. Given that this is the boomerang generation, even friends boomerang back, just like family. This is very true as my friends are my family.

People won't notice my late nights, my early mornings, my self-doubt, my failures and mistakes, my distractions, my obstacles, my risks taken. They will only see my results and call me lucky.

The truth is I'm not dying. I'm just waking up. I have everything society tells me I should I have, but I still struggle to stay satisfied. Should I accept the fact that I never stay satisfied? I think I will always be chasing that which is out of reach, men included.

I'm an writer and a poet. I love with all my heart. I also know from my research that whatever relationship I get in, I will take me with me. I was addicted to everything, long before I ever took my first drink. Addictive people have an attitude, a set of personality traits, a way of life, that others do not. Alcoholism starts in childhood, well before the first drink. I know this much is true.

How do I live as normal of a life as possible given my disabilities?

Do not make your friends home health aides. You need to be a strong independent woman except when it comes to shoveling snow. This means hiring someone, and again, not depending on your friends to answer texts in the middle of the night. They have their own lives. Not everything is about me. They are as bipolar as you.

Live life as free as possible for now, knowing that you will need permanent medical care. That is a sobering realization, but I'm as sick as if I had cancer. I can't drink or take pills to escape my perfections. It just doesn't work.

What will life look like after the pandemic is over? Yes, I know it's never over, but you know what I mean. Another pandemic is already on the horizon, anyway.

I know I am a big picture person. Details have never been my strong suit. I can now afford to hire people to take care of the details.

Besides my three vital questions, I have used the following five step process that helps to gain control of my life.

Self-Awareness - the is by far, my strongest attribute. People tell me I overthink all the time, but my overthinking has paid off. If you tell me you love me, I will give you six reasons not to. I know that I need therapy before I start a real relationship. I know I am co-dependent. I know I am a collection of all my failed relationships. But the important thing is that I am getting better.

Direct Your Focus - This is a constant struggle for me. I think this is a result of my chaotic childhood. As outlined in my poem, please don't question my smile, I never figured out my dreams. Other people have known their dreams since they were teenagers. Not me. I'm a generation xerox woman; I stumbled ass backwards into a teaching career. I stumbled ass backward into all of my good fortune. I've been in the right place at the right time.

Relating - Why is relating so hard for you? My childhood was very choatic. I was raised like a feral cat. My mother never taught me any manners. Like, seriously, none. I've never been comfortable in my own skin. I'm just starting to now. Apparently, I'm doing a good job of it, because of one of my friend's fathers thinks "I'm put together."

I've definitely learned that people will only talk when they are ready to open up. You can't rush the process. Some people stay busy to avoid their thoughts. That's their journey and their process. I can't change that. The personality of an addict tries to control everything but themselves.

Actions - Direct your focus, so that you can help others the way that others have helped you. At the end of the day, all I can be is a good role model. I was a very good role model until the genetic explosion of bipolar alcoholism hit. Also, organization has always been a problem. I think its because we are living in a cross between a paper and digital world. Cleanliness is next to godliness is no longer a thing, but waking up in a messy bedroom and driving in a messy car takes its toll. Stress affects your health. Be mindful of where you place your focus.

Accountability - My life coach is on me like a hawk. So is my family, so is my therapist and so are my best friends. Get a collection of these people. Be stubborn on the goal, but flexible on the execution.

If I am serious about growth I need to be serious about accountability. If want to be a in a serious relationship later in life, I need to be serious about accountability. If I want to be more successful than I am, I need discipline and accountability. I can only have real relationships if I am willing to do the work, and I'm just not willing right now.

I also suffer from perpetual partial distraction. I can't control my thoughts, but I can keep them from controlling me. I need to turn off my phone and go to sleep. If Covid taught me nothing, its that life will go on, even if I'm asleep for three months. Growth will feel like a loss, because you are losing something every time you give a piece of yourself to a person that doesn't care about you as much as you care about them. I've had to grieve the life that I thought I was going to live; my ex left me for a younger woman after 25 years of marriage.

Timing is everything, and it does suck sometimes. If you had met that guy three years later, you two might be married. If you bought that stock two years ago, you'd be rich now. If, if and if. Get over it. Clean your car, fix your face, and move on.

Six months of hardcore focus will put you light years ahead of the competition. Consistency wins over creativity sadly. Be consistent with your goals, and your dreams will follow. As much as you like that bloody mary brunch, its diverting you from success. The only three things we can count on in this life are death, taxes, and change. We know time has passed, because things have changed. We know change has happened because we aren't the same. Embrace your changing life and your imperfections. You have only one life to live - what do you want your legacy to be?