Seeking Love? Why Christmas Is The Grinch Of Dating

Christmas is fast approaching, and it is supposed to be one of the best times of the year for us: a celebratory one for the whole family. It is also about love, peace, and goodwill. Yet it can be the loneliest and most stressful time for some people, with precious little goodwill in it, especially for those estranged from their families, single people seeking dates and single parents with demanding children.

Speaking personally, after my divorce some years ago, I found a wonderful person on the internet that December, but we had a difference of opinion on where the relationship should go. Sadly, we went our separate ways after the most heavenly two year friendship. I wasn’t ready for a new 24/7 life with someone else, yet, despite the deep love we had for each other, and he was keen to get on with it because of his age. But what a guy, and what a friendship, especially as we were chalk and cheese in every sense of the word: culturally, racially and in philosophy!

I have moved on a lot since then, enriched by his love and his presence. I would not have missed the journey for the world because it all adds to our character and learning experience. He certainly provided the litmus test and yardstick for what makes me happy in a relationship, and I give thanks for it. That’s why I became more aware of what I wanted in a relationship, and felt good at having the skills to detect whether it is there or not in any potential date.

At the best of times, it is not very easy finding a new partner or soulmate because of four different reasons why people come into our lives. In brief, those reasons are:

1. To teach us something, or for us to teach them in turn – and the lesson could be either positive, or a negative wake-up call; AND/OR
2. To guide us out of a depression or bad patch in our lives;AND/OR
3. To build our confidence to deal with the next person in line – who could even be the special one for us – AND/OR
4. To be the genuine article: our long-term partners.

It means that hankering after lost loves in bitterness, anger or vengeful hostility is the worse thing you could do to yourself. They have served their purpose and moved on. It has to be accepted with LOVE and FORGIVENESS for your life to progress, too. Notice that finding the right person for us has only a 25% chance of occurring whenever we meet anyone, which explains the difficulty in matching up with the right one - a challenge that is most pronounced at emotional times like these!

Glaring Faults

The main problem with seeking a new partner, with meetings which flounder and with many relationships that end up being shorter than expected, is that most people believe every person they meet and like will be the BIG ONE, No.4, and burden it with their expectations, especially at Christmas when they are keen to meet someone to stave off the lonely feelings. But that keenness is likely to make them overlook glaring faults in their haste to make the relationship work.

The trick is to let that first contact gradually reveal the nature of itself without too many expectations, while taking a real interest in that person. Instead of just focusing on yourself, be detached, yet reciprocal, to give yourself some enjoyment and happiness in the learning process. Often we are too busy focusing on our needs, desperate for a meaningful connection and being anxious about how the relationship is going to shape up, that we miss the early incompatible signals. But they are ALWAYS there!

I thought David's friendship was the real thing because of the intensity and length of the relationship. But, he was type No.1 and 2 – there to teach me about real, unselfish love and guide me out of my marital crisis, while I taught him an alternative, wider view of life. He will always be a beacon for me, and I thank him so much because I am a different, much better, person now than when I first met him.

It seems that Christmas time presents its own probems with dating because of three main factors:

Heightened Expectations and Social Pressure: The media and social expectations often portray Christmas as a time for big family gatherings, joyous reunions, and overflowing happiness - a world away from the true reality. This can create immense pressure for people who don't have such situations, leading to feelings of inadequacy and isolation.

Loss and Grief: Christmas can be a stark reminder of loved ones who are no longer there. The empty chair at the table, the unopened presents under the tree, and the familiar carols can all trigger feelings of grief and loss, making the season particularly difficult, and isolating, for those who are mourning.

Single Strain: People who are single, or don't have a strong social support network, may feel even more isolated during the holidays, as they see others celebrating with their loved ones, especially where there are pulic displays of affection. This aspect can be particularly challenging for those who live alone or are new to a community.

Coping With being Alone At Christmas

It's important to remember that you're not alone if you're feeling lonely during this time. Many people experience similar feelings, and there are positive ways of coping, such as:

• Reaching out to others: Connect with friends, family, or even online communities who can offer support and understanding.
• Volunteer to help someone or a group: Often when were are least thinking about ourselves is when others are thinking of us, and trying to connect.
• Join (or even create) a local Meetup group in your area: They are excellent for introducing you to people of similar interests, without the angst of actually dating, and you might even click with a soulmate in the process (as I did with my current boyfriend nine years ago when I was organising a meetup!)
• Focus on self-care: Prioritise activities that make you feel good, such as spending time in nature, listening to music, or reading a book, having a spa break or just chilling at events where you can meet others in a aimilar situation.
• Set realistic expectations: Don't try to force yourself to enjoy the holidays in a way that feels inauthentic. It's okay to acknowledge your feelings and adjust your plans accordingly. Just do what makes you feel most comfortable, while reaching out online or terrestrially, and things will happen. But you'll feel confident enough that, if they on't happen as expected, you'll be fine anyway without any kind of angst.

The main lesson here is to treat Christmas like any other time of year when it comes to seeking someone new. Don't expect bells and whistles to start popping, or expect great things to happen because you might like them. Just keep an open mind. Don’t start fretting about what might develop in the future, when there might not be a future for you both!

No matter how much you might like someone new, only time and allowing the friendship to grow, will show you what type of relationship it is likely to be, and the more you ignore the heady festive frenzy is the clearer you'll see its potential.

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