The Paradox of Love

Hello, I am Youssef. When I was in high school, I met a girl, and I liked her, but I didn't tell her about my love for her. The important thing is that this year passed like any normal school year. I didn't talk to any girls as usual, and no girl was trying to talk to me. I don't know if it's because I'm ugly or because I don't care about them. I just waste all my time with my friends or standing in the school yard playing with the school janitor's cat. So I called him Tabari. He was very violent towards everyone, but he was kind to me. After the year I missed, I reached my second year of high school. The surprise was that the girl was in the same class with me again, but she changed classes after 4 days, I think because she saw me or wanted to go to her friend. The important thing is that I only loved her for myself, and I did not tell anyone until the end of that year. I decided to be brave and tell my friends this secret, and I told my best friend Ilyas, but he was in a relationship with one of the girl's friends, and he told me that he would ask her about the girl I loved, and I agreed, and to understand that I was not a person who really understood these things and that my fantasies about life were always... Beautiful, but I still have to endure some shocks from life, and I am always happy with a fantasy world and love relationships in my imagination, and they did not exist. Ilyas told me that his girlfriend told him that the girl loved me and that she should look for my number, and I had to go and talk. With her, I was like a little girl who believed this conversation, and I went to her when she was at school with her friend, and I pulled her aside and told her all my feelings, but she started laughing and laughing at me with her friends and her boyfriend and his friends. Elias and his girlfriend. I left on my bike, with the world black in my eyes, not because she rejected me, but because I lost a stupid friend for the millionth time, was humiliated in front of the whole school, and was so sad. I think that's the biggest insult I've ever received. Because of that, I failed my second year of secondary school, and I was in a very difficult psychological state. That summer, after this humiliating situation, I returned to my isolation, blocked all my friends, and changed my number and city to start a new life away from failed love attempts. After the black summer, I returned to high school, and the girl who insulted me came and asked me to let her come, of course, because I am very kind. I forgave her. I don't know why she was so kind, even though my morals made me fail twice and be subjected to bullying for 10 years. But I am like this, and I cannot change my character. After the girl apologized to me, she told me that she really liked me that way, but she did not want to be honest with me because I was not... She was at the same social level; therefore, she did not want to confess her love to me and was afraid that her friend would laugh at her, but I told her that after she insulted me, she would not return. any feelings, whether love or hate, towards her, and I began to consider her just a girl, like any girl I do not talk to at school. and I was not at the same level of intelligence. She was succeeding at a rate of 17/20, and I was succeeding at a rate of 10/20. Therefore, she did not want to confess her love to me and was afraid that her friend would laugh at her, but I told her that after she insulted me, she would not return. I had any feelings, whether love or hate, towards her, and I began to consider her just a girl, like any girl I do not talk to at school. After this, she apologized to me again and left, and thus the first love story in my life and the last ended.