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Lily
Bio
Writer, Teacher Assistant, creator and believer in the law of attraction
Stories (65/0)
Denying Myself. Content Warning.
I’ve only recently noticed that I have not been doing a lot of things that I used to do. I have not been eating the things I used to love. I have not been out to places that I used to love. I have been denying all these things to myself without even noticing it, until now. A couple of days ago a friend of mine called and was asking how I was doing. I was happy to tell her that I am doing so much better. I did think I was doing better, especially since I was waking up everyday and going to work. Of course then my friend asked if I had done certain things or gone to certain places and to my surprise all my answers were no’s. I was unsure what to say to my friend so I gave her the old “there’s just no time” excuse while I continued listening to her and her adventures out in the world.
By Lily10 months ago in Confessions
Inability
I want so much in my life to change. I have goals and plans like many of us do, but do not believe they will come true. This is because I don’t trust myself. I believe trust in yourself comes from showing yourself that you can follow through in even the smallest tasks you have assigned for yourself. This is something I fail at constantly. I try to set myself up for success but always seem to self-sabotage. I know that one of the reasons I do this is because I am trying to convince and show myself that I am not trustworthy even to myself. This weekend I promised myself I would go out with a friend who has been asking to see me. I never went out with her. As I laid in bed thinking of excuses to tell her, one word came to mind: inability. I feel unable to do the things I want to do. I want to do things and know how happy I could be if I simply did them, and yet I will not do them. I know I won’t do them because I never have before.
By Lily10 months ago in Confessions
The Unknown Force
I think I’ve talked about this before in other posts but it seems particularly important to explain it in more detail now. I don’t know if it is prudent for me to think of myself as a survivor of my own self but I will explain why I feel this way. Part of it is the fact that I know how lucky I am to be able to sit here and type this piece while feeling completely different than just a few weeks ago. In those moments when I was feeling dangerously low and losing a bit of control of myself I have to say I would feel unsure of how much longer I could take. Yet somehow, even in my darkest times, I felt an unknown force inside of me that would be screaming at me from a faraway distance, I could barely hear it but I knew it was there, I could feel it. I call it the unknown force because I’m unsure what it is exactly; Is it my soul? Are they angels? Is it blind faith? My subconscious? I have no idea. I just know I am very lucky to have this unknown force inside of me.
By Lily10 months ago in Confessions
Parasocial Relationship Appeal
I have recently found myself in a parasocial relationship with an actor I love. I have followed and loved this actor for a while but never in my dreams imagined having somewhat of a direct access to him. It started innocently enough, he would go on live streams and I would tune in. I would sit back and watch as others typed comments and even confessed their feelings for him. As time went on and he started to stream more and more I found the courage to join in the fun and tell him how much I admired him. The rush of excitement I felt when he read my comment was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Now, I am no spring chicken and my fandom days are behind me, right? At least that is what I believed.
By Lily10 months ago in Confessions
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