"What could I have done differently?"

It was 2:30 am, the storm had finally arrived as the rain fiercely battered the windshield. All around I could see lightning streaks reaching from the sky to the ground. Loud crashes of thunder sent waves of anxiety through my veins. I waited at the red light as patiently as I possibly could, considering how threatening that the storm had suddenly become.

As I watched the sky illuminate, I began to wonder if I should even go home. It seemed that all of my dreams had fallen apart one by one. For my entire life, I had been told that I was worthless, my soul was tired of fighting the accusations. Every day had been a struggle to prove those hurtful voices wrong. My life had been filled with more pain, depression, and humiliation than anyone deserved to endure. Even my worst enemies didn't deserve such punishment.

I had grown up in a broken home. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was both mentally and physically abusive. I never had a support system for any of my dreams. I was constantly told that my life would never amount to anything. Sometimes I was even told that I was a mistake. It seemed that everyone that I loved and trusted eventually failed me.

I began to wonder if maybe the problem with my life was truly within myself. Maybe I was in fact a worthless mistake. I had been married for 27 years, I tried to be a good wife. I cooked dinner every night. I never left the house or had friends outside of the home. I treated my husband as some sort of deity. Yet eventually, even he would break my heart.

I raised two boys, I thought that I was a good mother. I was constantly reminded how everything that I did was wrong. Now both in their twenties, I realize that I raised the only true friends that I ever really had in my life.

After forty-five years I began to give up the battle and wonder if all of those people who were against me could have been right. Could they all really be wrong? I had fooled myself into believing that I was actually a good, decent, loving, and capable person. I am nothing special, and I am physically and mentally weak from the constant battle to prove otherwise.

As the green light finally shined through the windshield, I knew that I was at a dire crossroads in my life. My dream of being a writer was slipping through my fingers. As I said, I had no support system, nobody cared if I achieved my goals. In fact, everyone waited and watched for me to stumble and fall, they found pleasure in seeing me fail.

I never wanted to become famous, that was a dream so outrageous that even I knew better than to reach that far out. I only wanted to be good at something. I wanted people to be proud of me and to acknowledge my capability. Maybe I even wanted to be bragged on for just once in my life.

When my first book was published I was dancing in the clouds. I was so happy and so proud that I felt like my soul had completely left my body. It didn't take long for those beautiful clouds to turn dark and begin crashing down around me. What was I even thinking? Why would I think that I could accomplish anything amazing for myself?

With tears in my eyes, I deleted all of my writing software. I stopped checking the sales reports on my books. I avoided my publisher who eventually gave up on me too. All of the saved work that I had been doing on a future book was deleted and the trash can was promptly emptied. It was all false hope and I was only setting myself up for more pain by keeping it around and believing in it.

It's true that every time I have tried to fly, someone has always been ready and waiting to pull me back down. I'm much too down-and-out and paralyzed by the never-ending belittlement, scurrility, and disparagement to remain in the scrimmage. A battleground that has been my life for as long as my memory serves.

As health issues continue to rise against me, I politely bow out and withdraw from the fight. I choose to live in peace if it is yet obtainable. Oddly enough, within my surrender I find warmth and comfort as the battle comes to a soothing end. I am certain that from time to time I will wonder and dwell on the question left burned deep into my mentality, "What could I have done differently?"