My road to ADHD

I diagnosed myself with various kinds of disorders during my studies years, but I never even thought about ADHD (attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder). When thinking about ADHD, the first thought was always "that male classmate" who walked around the classroom during the lessons and disturbed everyone's work. And me? I was always calm, "good girl", and not even the slightest sign of hyperactivity.

However, last year in one personality typology group I asked what kind of personality traits can be related to the inability to achieve one's goals or even define them. There was no unified answer about personality traits but multiple people mentioned ADHD. And I was hooked up once one of them mentioned brain executive functions. Then I started reading more about what it is and how it is connected to ADHD.

Brain executive functions are things like decision making, attention distribution, emotional control, impulse control, etc. And I had some kinds of difficulties with quite a bunch of those. Later I learned that not only ADHD but also autism is connected to executive functioning issues. A lot of symptoms are actually overlapping even though previously ADHD and autism seemed like two opposite disorders to me.

Once I learned more about ADHD, last spring I finally got the courage to register with a psychiatrist for evaluation. I was hesitant and I was scared because previously in Lithuania I had both positive and negative experiences with psychiatrists so I didn't know if I would be laughed at for making up that I have ADHD or if I would be accepted normally and they would help me understand what is happening with me. I was living in Spain at the time and I talked to the psychiatrist in English. He listened to my complaints and eventually diagnosed ADHD for me.

I started using medicine for ADHD. At that time, I was bored with my work, I had lost motivation and wanted to change something. When I started taking medicine, my motivation came back and I found joy in my work again (when I just started this work, I really loved it). Also, the medicine helped me concentrate better, I wasn't distracted like before, opening Facebook instead of working. And most importantly, it helped me with emotional control. Without medicine, I used to easily lose my temper and start shouting (with close people). Tips to stop the action before it manifested didn't help me because there was no gap between my reaction and action where I could interrupt. Medicine gave me that gap and I gained the ability to refrain from starting to shout when something irritates me.

However, I still had some doubts if I really had ADHD. Especially after I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome and when I learned that autism and ADHD have a lot of overlapping symptoms. Therefore I registered for another evaluation, this time in Lithuania last December. The psychiatrist confirmed that I really have ADHD and that it's not just symptoms overlapping with autism. Later I also learned that as much as 50-70% of autistic people also have ADHD.

As time goes by, I recognize ADHD symptoms in myself more and more. For example, I really like reading, especially books related to my interests, but I have difficulty concentrating while reading. I envy people who can read the whole book in 1-2 days. I read really slowly, I need to get back and reread the paragraph because my thoughts have wandered somewhere while reading. And I can't read for a long time, after half an hour or so I get tired, sometimes even sleepy (even though the book is really interesting!). If the book is lighter, maybe I can read an hour or an hour and a half. But the whole day? Probably I wouldn't even want that because I like my activity to be more varied.

Another trait related to ADHD - I have difficulty just watching a movie or series without doing anything. Usually, I just snack and then I can watch calmly. However, I've been trying to get rid of this habit for a while already and it made watching movies more difficult. After a minute or 5 minutes of the movie, I start reaching for my phone. And when I get into it, I forget watching the movie and I no longer know what is happening there. I have to do something with my hands. I was considering trying crocheting because it doesn't require always looking at what you're doing and sometimes I quite enjoyed this activity.

Also, I could never just listen to podcasts. Likewise, I start doing something else and forget to listen. The same with online meetings at work. I can't just sit and listen to what people are saying. I see that someone wrote to me, and I rush to check it, and then suddenly someone is addressing me in the meeting and I have no idea what was the question. However, I found out that I can listen to podcasts and listen to what people are saying in the meetings if I am drawing or coloring at that time. Then I can concentrate better and stop wandering.

In addition to that, I always had issues with memory. When I was 16 I even visited a neurologist for that, but they didn't find anything, so just suggested drinking some supplements. However, eventually, I found a strategy that helps me compensate for that - I use a planner, where I note down what kinds of meetings I have and when, also I use apps where I enter what tasks I need to do. The most important part is remembering to check that planner or task list regularly. 😀