Missing Someone You Can't See, And They Don't Seem To Care

*trigger warning – please note that there are some triggering topics in this piece. Please do not read if you think you will be affected by it*

I wasn’t sure whether to write this or not. Because part of me thinks I’m being stupid, and another part of me is so hurt and upset by the whole thing, that I feel like I need to get it out there, in the hopes that someone understands me. Even though Vocal doesn’t allow comments on posts, I’m just hoping that someone agrees with me here.

Here’s the thing, there is someone who isn’t blood, but I consider family. They’re my only family to be honest. Since my mum died, I virtually have no actual blood relatives left. And this person says that I am part of her family and that she loves me. But, the thing is, she tells people that she loves them so easily. For me, it’s incredibly hard to say, and there is hardly anyone I say it to. But she says it so freely. It’s because she’s a lovely person and very loving, but I have to question how much someone means it if they can say it so openly all the time? Also, she calls lots of people her family. When she first said it to me, it felt so special and I cried, but now, she writes it everywhere. I really don’t know what to think.

Also, she treats me so differently sometimes. For example, if I do something for her or make something for her, then she either ignores it or says thanks, but if it’s someone else, she spreads it all over social media telling the world how lovely that person is. She treats me like I’m a secret a lot of the time, and it really hurts. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want loads of recognition and for her to be over the top, etc, but a bit of something would be nice. She’s like a mum to me and I really do have all the feelings towards her that a daughter has towards their mum: I want her to be proud of me, I want to impress her, I want her to love me and I want to make her happy.

She says that she cares about me and stuff, but for the past few months I’ve been so low and very s*ici**l, but not once has she even taken five minutes to have a proper conversation with me. Two weeks ago, I ended up in hospital because I nearly d!ed from an overd@se. After, she rang me to tell me off and make me register with a GP, etc. It’s only the third time she’s ever called me (despite loads of promises to) and it was so nice to speak to her on the phone. I hate phone calls normally, because my anxiety is ridiculous, but I can relax with her after a few minutes and it’s so nice to just chat with her. I wish we could do it more. But anyway, for a moment, I really thought that she cared. But as soon as I asked if I could see her, communication stopped and once again, of course, there were so many excuses not to see me, despite her making time for others. She’s working on location soon in a place where someone who used to bully me lives. And I know that if she meets up with them, that it’s going to push me over the edge. I’ve deleted all social media, but I still check the account occasionally because she ignores me so much and I like to see her updates, etc, so I can see a picture of her or whatever.

The only time she ever really replies is if I’m helping her out with something. She has stuff going on in her own life, I get that, but she shuts me out and says she’s alright. I want to be there for her. I want to help. But she doesn’t let me. And she doesn’t seem to care enough about me to take 5 minutes out of her day to talk to me. There have been a few times now that I’ve really needed her support or advice, but I’m too afraid to ask, because when she leaves me on read, it breaks my heart.

Because of lockdown, I haven’t been able to see her. We’ve been told in the uk that we can meet other people from late June. She reckons she’ll see me once lockdown is lifted, but she always cancels plans or spends like half hour with me and has an excuse to leave. But with others, she’ll spend ages with them. I know I’m not worth her time, but I’m desperate to spend even just one afternoon with her. Have some proper quality time with her. She really means everything to me but it feels more and more like I’m just a pain and that I’m in the way. I’ve given her an out quite a few times, but she always says that she loves me and that she’s sorry, but then she does it all again. I’m not asking for the world, I just want her to treat me a little bit more like she cares. She speaks so convincingly about loving me and being my family, but when it comes to showing it, it’s like I’m just some person who occasionally sticks up for her and posts silly memes on social media. I’ve begged, pleaded and asked so many times to see her, but I’m always given excuses. I just want to spend some proper time with her because I miss her so much and I love spending time with her and she really is the only person who gives me some kind of hope and something to look forward to.

I know I have massive trust issues and that I’m so scared of people leaving me, and I could just be over thinking this whole thing, but whether she realises it or not, she is really hurting me. I self h@rm and some of my worst episodes of that, have been because of her. My last su!c!de attempt was partly down to her. Of course, I have so many other things going on right now, but it was partially because of her. I don’t blame her at all, I know it’s down to my thoughts and how I let the situation get to me, but she really doesn’t understand and I wish she could. I wish she would listen and let me explain how it feels and why it feels the way it does, etc.

She said she’d always be there for me, but when I opened up to her a few months back and begged to see her (we weren’t in lockdown then), she sent me a message late one night saying it was too much for her and that I needed to back off basically. Since then, I’ve not once bothered her with any of my problems, but I literally have no one, so I’m keeping it all bottled up and I’m about ready to burst now. I’m really not okay and I just want her love and support, and one of her hugs, where she tells me everything is going to be okay.

She means the absolute world to me and I’d fucking die for her. Technically we’re not related, but in my mind she’s blood. I’ve had so many happy times with her, I just wish she treated me like she did other people. It really hurts.

I just don’t know what to do.