It's a Bird! It's a Plane! No, It's SUPERMAN!

I suffer from borderline personality disorder (BPD). Movies and books have shown quite a few borderlines, but none of them truly expose what it is to be a borderline.

Being a borderline became my identity. My sole and only identity. In fact, I'm not able to tell who I am, what I want, what I feel, what I hate. I'm a I. That's the only thing I know and that's pretty sad.

This disorder starts in the early adulthood (I'm 22) and it seems that a borderline can recover from his mental illness at the age of 40. So, I have 20 years ahead of me: 20 years of trouble-mind, of hate, of love, of ups, of downs.

What I just enumerated, everybody feels it on a daily basis. That's what we call life. The thing is, when you suffer from BPD, these ups and these downs are felt with a very high intensity. In practice, it means that if I feel love, I feel it 100 times more than you. The intensity is so high that I have to do something about it.

Something about it... I mean bad things (because I only know good or bad, without neutral). Self-harm, for example, and even self-sabotage. I became my worst enemy.

But, I didn't realized it at first. I was always blaming someone else. One day, you could have been my best friend and the next day you were the worst. Social relationship are hard to keep when you think like that. Jobs are hard to keep.

I used (and, unfortunately, I still do) to think that I can only count on my cat and my bunny. These two are my only faithful friends. Try to imagine what it means: it means you can't trust anybody, you can't give your faith in anybody because it'll probably be a one way faith. It means you isolate yourself and what is the meaning of life when you're alone? There's none. There's emptiness.

Try to imagine how it feel to be empty in a empty world. You just don't want to be in this world anymore. So you became suicidal and angry. So angry that you, once again, hurt yourself.

For my part, I feel so empty that I dissociate. That means most of the time I'm not connected at all with the reality. I'm not able to concentrate on anything because I'm simply "not there."

But, there's hope for borderlines. Even if you don't see the light at first. I tried a few things myself and it worked pretty good on me:

1. Exercise!

It seems silly or simple, but you know what: try to run 30 minutes instead of hurting yourself. You'll feel tired, it'll take out all your bad energy, and you'll feel relieved.

2. Take your medication!

Being borderline is a mental illness. You have too much or not enough of substances in your brain. Medication is essential to feel better because it regulates your ups and downs. You'll feel better by taking it, trust me.

3. Fill your brain!

Personally, I'm an artist. So, when I feel overwhelmed, I paint, I draw, I sing, I write, whatever. You know what will make you feel better by using your brain in a high capacity. Don't fall in the trap: don't concentrate on your pain. Try to do something else, something that will make you feel good.

4. Work on yourself!

I feel "wrong" since I had 16 years old. Before I had my diagnostic, I didn't knew what was wrong with me. I didn't know what I had to do to feel better. I felt stuck because I had the feeling that I didn't knew anything about myself. Now, I know that I have BPD. Read on it, talk about it, try a therapy. Help yourself, even if it's hard.

Because, maybe you don't know, but borderlines can move mountains.