[Act 3] A Dash Of Disillusion, As Anxiety Levels Peak Over 9000

Scene 1 (TW: Rape)

The first month seemed to come and go as I'd said it would; naturally. But I wasn't a natural boy, and things were about to go off the rails quickly. With Juliet's consistent questioning of my love coupled with how hard I was trying, I wasn't sure what love meant to her. I wasn't sure who was in control of our relationship; us, or other people.

People hadn't lost concern on who I was dating, but I didn't really know who I was dating. I knew what I saw and hoped. Before, most people didn't understand why I was even chasing her, now the ones at school were quick to say she was far out of my league.

Kids from outside the school were mostly curious about her body image. That never mattered much to me, and I tried to understand why it mattered so much to everyone else. Juliet called herself fat once, and it made me really sad. "I don't know... She's not a twig... but she's not fat..." I said thinking, "She's my full-bodied girl and I wouldn't change a thing!"

I had all the debts previously mentioned, and found another one at the start of March; a broken car door. Walnut had become quite agitated after the drivers side door stopped working properly since my drifting incident and I refused to pay it. I refused to pay it because I wondered where the fine print lay. At what point was that door no longer my concern? I wondered if it was two years.

I'd grown quite the inferiority complex amongst everything, and that's where our crazy train really left the rails. While she questioned me, she still did all the right things, like stick up for me against my bullies. The group off her bus decided to show my weakness by bullying me in front of Juliet.

But they didn't realize who they were dealing with. She stood tall, getting very angry and threatening them. They retorted the obvious, that I needed my girlfriend to defend me and they wouldn't hit a girl anyways. She grabbed my hand and told them that I had a girlfriend at least, and she didn't care who she had to beat up for me.

I'd look at her with those stars but my anxiety had started to mask the effects. She'd done all the things the other girls I'd loved strongly had, but there was a problem. I wasn't six years old anymore, I was seventeen. Before, I'd just wanted to be muscular because I'd already won, all I could do was be sexier for her. Now it was becoming a necessity for protecting Juliet. How could I protect her, if she was the one protecting me? And I started to lose what edge I'd had. Hair Cancer had been one thing, this was something else.

These brain realities, I wasn't in control of them. I thought in the form of movies whether or not anxiety was involved. I didn't have an option to shut my brain down as much as I wished I could have. I was in them, witnessing from a third person omniscient style and studying them later. A terrible one formed after that.

Juliet and I had gone out for a date at a fancy restaurant and she was wearing a red dress. We held hands, skipped, and laughed down a freshly rained on sidewalk. But as we passed a dark alley, a man leapt out and grabbed her.

I grabbed back at him and angrily told him to let her go as he struggled against both of us. But I was just a weak Little Romeo. Like a bully had in grade 8, he need only put his palm against my chest and give a shove forward. I tumbled backwards onto the wet sidewalk. She struggled while he looked at me with an ugly smile.

I watched as her long arms would reach through his, grabbing for the boy on the sidewalk as she screamed while the man tried to grab them again and pin her down. I watched the boy who'd long been bullied; if I couldn't stand up to them, I couldn't possibly stand up now. And that boy couldn't do anything, not even cry trapped in that paralysis.

So both a boy in first and third view, sat there unable to do anything. Unable to turn off that vivid brain. The only thing I was able to do, was watch the Little Tall girl I loved get raped in the streets. And that's when her Knight in Dusty Armor started to fall apart at the seems. I could barely keep it together, how was I going to get strong enough to protect her from bad people?

Scene 2

It was just wave upon wave of anxiety. Part of the problem was probably my inability to forget things. A month into the relationship, and I was more convinced than ever I was not a normal boy. I tried to understand the things Juliet would do, and some of them didn't make any sense.

She told me to hit her once in the living room, but I never wanted to hit or hurt her! I'd taken her away from a relationship of being hit so that she wouldn't be abused and sad. Sometimes she'd push me around. It didn't make sense, because she seemed like a different person when we were alone. I'd feel attacked wondering why my girlfriend wanted to bully me; I got enough out there.

A second time she asked, and I didn't want to, but I always wanted her to have her way. I lightly tapped her on the shoulder, not wanting to hurt her. "Come on Little Romeo, hit me harder!" I added 5% more strength, and punched her lightly in the shoulder. She started to cry!

I rushed over to her, "Oh no! I'm sorry!!!" I said about to cry myself because Juliet was crying. But then she started to laugh! I got very mad and crossed my arms. She went to hug me, and I thought, Oh no way hose, not this time! But than she said I was the cutest boy and gave me a kiss.

She started pushing me after and it started to frustrate me. Little Tall Girls... I don't want to beat you up, I only want to love you... And I decided that's what I was going to do. I lightly pushed her back until we were close to a wall. Then I swung her towards it. With my hand on her stomach, I gently pushed her up against it.

And by now, I'd started to describe Juliet as intoxicating. I considered telling her to stop wearing perfume as a test. I didn't know what she wore for makeup or if she even did. She still fought with me while we kissed, but than a weird nerdy boy put her hands against the wall. No more fighting, only loving!

She moved them to let me know she was stronger than me, and I put them back to let her know I wasn't kidding around. My hands trailed down her arms and found her waist. Her arms came down and she extended them around my neck. And like a boy who was studying to find the origin of that smile, this one was quite different. The whole experience would feel different.

After Juliet left, I studied it like I did everything trying to figure it all out on my own. I didn't even understand where this suave boy had come from. Where had I learned those moves? Where had I been all my life? What magic did she know?

The problem was that I did hurt Juliet, twice, and I never meant to. The first time was when Making Coffee, so I reasoned I was just a boy who'd gotten too excited. I needed to calm down. But the second time, I grew very concerned. I hurt her on the bus after school.

I was holding her hand like always, and she said something beautiful I can't even recall in the slightest. I only recall being overcome with emotion and the world becoming fuzzy.

That was until I heard a wince and, "Little Romeo, you're hurting me!" Snapping out of it, I apologized 7 or 8 times. She said it was okay, just to be careful, but I think I was apologizing to both of us. The idea of Juliet killing me emotionally with love was fine. I honestly couldn't have thought of a better way to go out at that point. But the opposite, that I could physically harm her with love?

I call myself a 'weird boy' throughout the story, but this was the day I gave myself the title. Because I didn't know much about Autism. I just knew the stereotypical stuff from over a decade ago. At that time, the census was that people with Autism couldn't love. I'd hardly fit the standard mould.

I'd overheard a news cast or parents talking more recently. They were talking about a 'boy' who liked soft things. That's what had piqued my interest, because I liked soft things and boys weren't supposed to. He'd killed his pet dog. And when they asked why, he started to cry and said that he never meant to, he was just giving the dog a hug!

Now I was processing this with Juliet beside me. Now I was worried that I might hug Juliet to death. I'd talked with death in Grade 6 and it wasn't my time. But I sat there and reasoned that if I killed the love of my life with love, I'd have definitely found my exit out of this world. There was no way I'd be able to live with myself.

I didn't hear what the boy had. They just said that he liked 'weird things' and I liked weird things. Am I weird boy? I wondered.

Juliet asked me a little while later what was wrong, and all I had was a movie reel of inferences playing on how frickin weird I was. Worried I wasn't strong enough, but possibly strong enough to kill her with a hug. I tried to tell her, although I'd started to build a crystalline wall around my heart. All that came out was, "I'm weird...."

Juliet smiled very big, "I know! That's why I love you!" But that had become the severity of my anxiety; that statement didn't phase me. What do you even know, girl? You only know what you've managed to figure out, and what I've let slip...

Scene 3

I'll throw in an anxiety that wasn't so bad. Once again, Juliet had done something amazing in the library and I had a slip of my tongue. "I'm going to marry you one day..." I said, immediately regretting it. It wasn't 'weird boys' that proposed to their girlfriends a month in, it was the crazy ones. I figured she was going to break up with me right there.

Instead, she smiled big and gave me a hug. I guess she's not running away... I thought. Since she wasn't running away, I decided to figure out where I might fit into this girls adult life. I started playing the Sims in my head.

I'd convinced Juliet that we didn't need a mansion, we just needed something big enough for us. I told her that I never wanted to lose that smile among 50 rooms and endless doors. We always had an open floor plan, a representation of my walls having been brought down. We had two kids; a boy and a girl.

Juliet stood at the counter with Tiny Tall Juliet sitting on a stool. She was always well behaved and had the smile of her mom. They'd watch and laugh as I chased around Tiny Romeo, telling him to calm the eff down. The kids were very much tiny representations of us. I thought it was weird that she wanted to name our kid 'Romeo', I hated my name! But I figured she must have made me come to accept it.

There wasn't much I asked for from Juliet, just that she let me have one cliche; A heart-shaped bed.

I had some serious competition though and grew to hate my first actor. Juliet said she thought this 'Ryan Reynolds' guy was super hot. I wanted to know just how hot she thought future Deadpool was. "Would you dump me for Mr. Reynolds?" I asked very concerned.

She laughed and hugged me, "Of course!" and I became even more concerned and sad! Ryan Reynolds wasn't the other boys at the school, he was a man, something I was trying to be. I was quite convinced that he'd see what I saw.

He'd just do his future Deadpool thing, kicking down the door. He'd take one look at Juliet as she smiled at him and he'd say, "Girl... I'll be back for you after you graduate," and she grew the same stars in her eyes over him, as I did for her! I looked angry at Mr. Reynolds as he suavely turned around, closing what was left of the door behind him. Juliet said she could still date me till she was 18 if I wanted.

Scene 4

My anxieties also came in the small variety. I tried to figure out anything I could do with this girl in a small town that offered nothing. One time we went to a small park, and she was at least trying to have a good time, or maybe I was just growing up too fast. I looked at those swings, and the reality in my head and only got more frustrated at what I had to offer her.

Juliet seemed to like music as much as I did. I wondered why. I wondered how she had so much love. Was it because she was an only child? I'd been one for a long time, and I loved Tiny Hannah a lot, but by the time she came, I'd been long searching for independence. Was it because she was a 'weird girl' and she didn't know it?

She had an Ipod, and I didn't have anything to listen to music on anymore. I could only afford something that ran off batteries, but I tended to break things and batteries cost money up front. Juliet would lend me her Ipod to have overnight.

I was never winning, and I knew I'd never win, so I didn't know what to do about my anxiety. I loved that she trusted me to have it over night, while we both worried that I might accidently break it. Every time she'd lend me it, I'd reason it meant she couldn't leave me without at least one final goodbye. But I also thought about that girl who also might have loved music as much as me. What was she listening to? Was she bored? It made me sad.

And while Juliet had me willingly tossing weird boy habits out the window as she tried to teach me how to be normal, dancing to relieve stress was one she hadn't. I wondered if I should stop dancing in my rooms at night, it seemed pretty weird. I debated about telling her.

But I looked in on my brain reality and noticed the crowd had dispersed. There was only one person in the crowd left and it was Juliet. I'd reasoned I didn't need to talk to the world anymore, I just wanted to sing to Juliet. So while she did whatever she did those late nights before bed, some distance away, a little weird boy continued to secretly dance around my room, serenading a girl that didn't know using her Ipod.

Scene 5

There were days when my anxiety levels were low, but that was far and few. I didn't even know what anxiety was. I'd opted not to take Psychology because I was already maxing out on other sciences. I'd been managing with grade 11 school work so far though.

Juliet and I were swaying back and forth. I still didn't know what I was allowed to be. Juliet perked up, "Do you want to know what I want to be when I'm older?" that had me interested and of course I did. "I want to be a police officer!" she said smiling.

I lit up. The love of my life has big dreams like me already?! But I hadn't been fully forthcoming with Juliet. I'd been trying to stay clean so I could go home, but one stressful day, I just went out with the boys and smoked pot. I still equated myself to using it. I started thinking.

There were good cops, and bad cops, but what kind did Juliet want to be? She seemed like she'd be a good cop for sure! But, if she was a good cop... then she'd have to arrest me or I'd be complicit in making her a bad cop. A brain reality formed.

I'd asked Juliet before why she loved me, but she'd never had much of an answer, one time ecstatically saying, "I don't know!". If I'd have been able to look at glasses half full, I might have noticed that that might have been the best answer if it was as unexplainable for her as it was for me. Six years had gone by because I wasn't sure how long real life police academy was having only seen a spoof movie. We lived at Juliet's house; in this reality, all I'd manage to succumb to was pot smoking so I held no titleship.

It was the day of her graduation. I'd just finished having a rip, and then decided I should go get ready for it; she'd probably want me looking all snazzed up. I got up when she came out to the living room, "What do you think you're doing?" she asked.

"I'm going to get ready for your graduation!" I said.

"I don't want you to come..." she replied.

That didn't make sense... We'd dated for 6 years now, why wouldn't she want me at her graduation? "But I should be there to support you," I said looking sad.

"I don't know if I passed, and if I didn't, I'm just going to want to be alone," she told me, "You should just hang out here and smoke some weed!"

That was also weird. She'd never been very happy with my six years of pot smoking on her couch. "Okay..." I said trying to figure it out. She looked very beautiful leaving for her graduation. She gave me a kiss before she left and told me not to go anywhere.

I waited patiently on the couch for her to get home. Then there was a loud knock on the door. "Police!" but I recognized the voice instantly. It was Juliet and if she was saying that, she must have passed! I got up excited to congratulate her.

I winced as pieces of door came flying at me. Juliet had just booted down the door to her own house! "Freeze, put your hands up, you're under arrest!" she said with a very serious look on her face. I thought she was just joking around. Still smiling, I stepped forward. "I said freeze!" And now I knew she wasn't joking.

I looked at her sad, raising my hands to the air, "You're arresting me?"

"Yep!" she said coming forward and pulling out her cuffs.

"For what?" I asked.

"For smoking pot!" she said, starting to handcuff me.

I stood there shocked. How could she have dated me for six years just to arrest me?! "Were you planning to arrest me the whole time we dated?" I asked very sad.

She just smiled big like she always did, "Yep!" she exclaimed, "It was going to look really good if I got a drug arrest my first day on the force!" I looked down as she lead me forward, out the door, and into her shiny new police cruiser.

I looked at Juliet after the anxiatic reality played out, "You're going to arrest me!" I told her thinking deeply. Next, I heard her laugh which caught my attention. But that didn't answer the question! My eyes started to grow equally as wide as her arms. Oh no! Juliet was going in for the attack! If that hugged connected, I might never get the answer!

I tried to dodge her hug backwards like you might a passing train, but I was too late against those long arms. Her hands connected with my back and she pulled me in. I tried to remain angry through the hug but than she said "You're cute..." smiling and I no longer had the brain energy to be apprehensive, only the brain energy to remind myself to send at least a bit of energy down to my legs so Juliet wasn't entirely supporting 105 pounds soaking wet.

I reasoned it was too late now to figure out if she was going to arrest me, so I tried to double down. Could she arrest a Microbiologist who smoked pot? Was I even allowed to be a microbiologist? Now seemed as any a good time as ever to find out. I looked up at her, "Can I tell you what I want to be when I grow up?"

Still smiling big, she nodded and said, "mhmm!"

"I want to be a Microbiologist..." I said, hoping she wouldn't finally realize I was just a nerd and run away. Instead, she lit up very big. Maybe I was allowed to just be a nerdy microbiologist after all.

Scene 6

I didn't like my 'dirty blonde' hair. It wasn't really blonde but didn't look brown to me. It had the word 'dirty' in it's colour name. I wondered if I'd be a little more sexy with a real shade of brown, a haircut like one of the boys from the Backstreet Boys. I was going to surprise Juliet but it was me who was going to get the shock.

Mother Teresa knew lots of hairdressers and we went to a different one this time. Except when we showed up, the lady was going through her colours and said she was out of #2 brown hair dye. I was frustrated since I rarely asked for much, but she said she had a tonne of #3 and it wasn't much darker.

I'd stated I wanted a light brown and so going from a #2 to a #3 sounded very reasonable but while applying it I started to get worried. It looked very dark, almost black and I hoped that was just the concentration of dye. I was wrong. She washed the dye out, styled my hair, spun me around, and waited for my praise.

Mother Teresa was always teaching me to be respectful so I didn't know what to say. I looked in disbelief as I'd gone from hardly dark enough to be brown, to hardly light enough to be brown. It was the strawberry tinge to it that I couldn't believe. No one else noticed, but I'd known instantly that a lap dog had somehow just dyed my hair the exact same colour as my girlfriend.

Thus the next day at school I tried to do what they did on TV. I showed up the next day in something I never wore; a hat. Everyone inquired and I'd dodged bullets up until I saw Juliet. I knew it was going to come out eventually and she knew something was under it. "Okay... I swear to god I didn't mean to dye my hair the same colour as you..."

She laughed hysterically as I pulled off the hat and believed me but that definitely didn't stop more endless taunting.

Scene 7

I tried hard with Juliet's mom. One day we stood in their front yard as I tried to prod at her. She remained a stone that couldn't be moved. I debated about blurting out that I just wanted to be a Microbiologist and that there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her daughter, but I reasoned she wouldn't believe me anyways. Instead, I played the song Animals by Nickelback. Oh... You don't like me? Because I could definitely give you like 50 more reasons to actually not like me...

Her mom might have seemed impossible but her dad? He hadn't given me any reason to believe that he wasn't going to a least give me a fair chance. I looked beyond and surveyed Juliet's land. Did she know she had an awful lot of grass? I figured it must have taken some work to maintain. When summer came, I was going to mow all of Juliet's lawn!

I laughed inside because it sounded like a sexual innuendo. We went inside and Juliet had a surprise for me; Poptarts! "I think they're gross and I don't know why you love them so much, but I forced my mom to buy some for you!" she smiled big and I smiled too, "Do you want one?"

I wasn't hungry before we'd come in... It was weird, it was like Juliet made me laugh and I was hungry or something... "Yes!" I excitedly said, but then I had another thought. Was I just a lap dog getting a treat? That dismayed me but I tried not to think about that.

Scene 8

Everything might be described as a tug of war. Juliet tried a lot of things, and I'd usually hate myself for letting her try them after. I didn't want her to become a smoker. I was mostly appreciative that she didn't nag me to quit that, ever. One time she purchased a pack of smokes for me, and I'd needed them but also reasoned after, that it was the first and last time I'd let her pay for my addictions.

In fact, I decided to quit since she didn't ask. I didn't tell her because what if I couldn't get it done? That altruism was also in play. But maybe that would show her I was serious and capable. I'd tried twice. The first time was at the start of the relationship, because I'd been upgraded from hugging rights, to kissing ones! But after a couple days, the kisses weren't just kisses, they tasted sweet.

I'd approached her one morning and got a kiss, but it was really good so I wanted another, and another. After the sixth kiss, I reasoned that she'd let me kiss her enough, I should calm myself. But six kisses?! She let me kiss her six times?! Maybe I should quit smoking if she's going to let me kiss her that much. Ironically, she stressed me out later that day and I bought a pack after school.

The second time was around this month and a half in. Once again, she'd been so amazing that I reasoned I should quit smoking. It had been going good, I'd made it an entire day! Really, I'd substituted a smoking habit with sugar, but one thing at a time! I went to the store to get a pop, and met my favourite people: bus bullies.

"You got a pull Romeo?" one asked.

"No, I quit smoking," I responded, trying to make my way to the store.

One got angry, "Then why are you even here?!"

"I'm just grabbing a pop..." I replied, and went on my way.

On my way out, I probably should have taken a right down 5th street, but trailed back the way I'd come, right passed those bullies. A group of 8 or 9 formed a circle around me and I was pretty sure I knew what was going down. They thought they were playing a game with me, but I was too defeated for that, I'd planned to lose from the start!

In our small town, a few kids had created an 'underground' boxing ring of sorts in the trailer court. It started with egging me on about the tiniest guy in the group. I wasn't stupid though, he was part of those boxing kids. I recalled most of the other fights I'd had. Now I saw two endings, one where I let this one guy beat me up, or another where I got curb stomped by the rest of the group if I could take out boxing boy. It all equated to the same; getting my ass kicked.

I was sure if I tried to walk away, they'd initiate the fight anyways. I agreed to their terms, and added my own; I needed to set my pop down. Then the two of us lined up on opposite sides of the circle in some roman street fashion. Like gladiators, we started running at each other.

I debated about trying to throw one good punch before giving up. We were racing towards each other, so I figured with the momentum, I might do some damage if I connected first and in the right spot. That still equated to getting beat up by the group so instead of swinging, I put my hands up to block my face as we reached the middle.

He still connected hard enough that dazed, I fell to the ground. With such an opportunity, he mounted me, grabbing my shirt and started wailing away. I remembered to block my face at least. When it was clear that I'd been pulverized into the dust I was laying on, he got up and the circle grew smaller.

"I don't even know why Juliet's with you..." Doily said. The group laughed. The one who beat me up, hucked a loogy on me. I just laid there, waiting for it to be over, I don't know why she's with me either... I thought. I really didn't know.

At least I had enough strength to wait until I got home to cry! I wasn't going to give them that satisfaction. I went back to G-Ma's, and she inquired on my bruised face. I hadn't been gone too long, so I just said, "Clumsy me... Slipped on ice..."

And so the adults always believed me on the wrong things. They believed I'd fallen and bruised my face. I definitely never told Juliet the truth on it either.

Scene 9

I thought Juliet knew how terrified I really was of life. I'd always wanted to ride an ATV but my overthinking brain often pictured the worst. She assured me that I was going to be okay, giving me the smile that calmed my brain. I asked if I could hold her tight, this time because I was scared my Princess was going to kill the both of us! Or at least tiny ol' me. I'd just bounce right off the back and she wouldn't even notice just continuing on!

I wanted to trust Juliet though, so I did that day as she handed me a helmet. My heart skipped beats while she raced around, laughing, and taking my heart with her. I just held on but eased up a bit once I realized she knew what she was doing. But she'd been so beautiful in the sun that day, helping Little Romeo face my fears head on.

When she stopped we both dismounted the ATV. I stood there in disbelief that I was still alive and processed everything. It took most of my energy not to start kissing the ground while shouting, "I'm alive!". By the time I snapped out of it, there was some distance between Juliet and I as she stretched her legs. Then she did some Danica Patrick shit.

She pulled her helmet off and her long hair came flowing out in slow motion. My mouth dropped. Her hair bounced around as she shook it out. I'm not sure if it was the angle she was standing at, or if it was because I was about to cry but she was shining in the sun. Sparkling quite like vampires might in the sun once that book came out.

I'd been trying to figure out which Disney Princess Juliet was but she didn't fit many profiles. The first I figured out when trying to figure out where I'd fit in her life. I asked if she'd dress up in costumes. She wasn't sure and asked what I had in mind. "What about Halloween? I'll go as Hercules, and you go as Megera!" to which she responded with a smile and a "We'll see..."

The next Princess Juliet associated with was after I'd had a meltdown with her. I looked at her sad, "I figured out which princess you are..." so she inquired and I told her, "You're Beauty... And I'm The Beast...."

Now I stood there in the sunlight and figured I'd found out why I couldn't figure out which Princess she was. You aren't a Princess... You're an angel! I thought looking at her with those stars in my eyes. I couldn't help it. She was smiling and I started running at her. She knew what was up as I jumped in her arms. I told her I loved her very much and we kissed.

I didn't know what magic Juliet did that was intentional and what wasn't. Picture filters were becoming quite popular. I told her how beautiful she was and said, "I don't know what you're doing, but if you keep it up, you won't need those filter things the girls use..." I wondered how I could possibly love a girl anymore.

I really wanted to show Juliet off to the world so I wanted pictures of us together, but Juliet said she didn't like taking pictures. Not even with me?