8 Things you need to know if your partner was a victim of child abuse

Child abuse is sadly quite common and there are different types; sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse and neglect. It can be really hard to love someone with any of these types of abuse in their past.

Between us, my partner and I experienced all of those listed and we have had a very bumpy road. My partner was severely neglected, emotionally abused and beaten. I was raped and emotionally and physically abused. Through my experiences, I have PTSD and anxiety. My partner has an attachment disorder and experiences suicidal depression.

But we have gotten through the hardest parts and this is how.

1.You have to know.

You can't put anything in place if you don't know what your partner has been through. Telling their story can be painful so it is important you listen carefully, don't interrupt other than to acknowledge their words, their pain and to reassure them that you are there with them.

Whilst listening, try to connect any dots in your head. In every day life, do they get defensive when asked certain questions? Do they flinch away when you are disagreeing? Do they have to have the light on when they go to sleep?

Make any connections you can with what they are telling you and your life together.

2. Tell them you believe them.

Those that emotionally, physically and sexually abuse children are fantastic actors. The outside world would never guess when they meet them. So, unless the perpetrator of the abuse is locked up, you really need to reinforce that you believe your partner. Every. Single. Time.

3. Accept that things will come back to them at random times.

When I was fourteen, my step-dad broke down a solid oak door trying to get to me. He was screaming and shouting, I was shaking and desperately trying to hold the door closed to prevent him getting in and hurting me.

Memories like this flash in and out of my head intermittently, sometimes there will be something on TV and the door looks similar. Sometimes a girl is in pyjama shorts like the ones I was wearing at the time. It all triggers things and my mood can go from happy to terrified in an instant.

Expect and accept this. All you need to do is be there.

4. Think about your body language.

I didn't realise this until my partner explained his reaction to me. When we have a debate and I am passionate about something, I lean forward slightly (completely unaware that I am doing it). When he was a child, someone leaning forward meant that he was about to be hit. So me leaning forward causes him to panic and shut-down, ready for impact.

Something as small as me making sure I stay leaning against the back of my chair, makes him more comfortable.

If you notice your partner is regularly having a melt-down, wait until it is passed (by at least half an hour, you don't want to retrigger them) and ask them what happened. Maybe it's some subtle shift in body language that has triggered things.

5. Be conscious of triggers.

This is easily said than done sometimes. There can be lots of triggers depending on the type of abuse, frequency and how long ago. But try your best to avoid them.

If you trigger them by accident then don't be too hard on yourself either. It isn't easy.

6. Try to look into any mental health issues and how to help.

You are not responsible for "fixing" anyone but looking into how to help them and what to do in certain situations (like a panic attack for example) won't hurt.

My partner has an attachment disorder and when he is struggling he tries to push me away. He mostly just distances himself from me. But if I didn't understand this it would cause bigger problems for us.

7. They are never "over it" completely.

It doesn't matter how long it has been or how well they are doing. Survivors can begin to struggle again. Don't expect people to just get over things. It doesn't work that way.

They can work through some of their pain but sometimes things rear up and you have to expect and understand that. Don't ever make anyone feel bad for struggling again.

8. Love them more.

Your partner has experienced more pain than most people can imagine, so offer them more kindness. Give them more love. We may have been broken and we may suffer, but we are often some of the most caring, loyal people you will ever meet. If we love you, you are as lucky to have us as we are lucky to have you.