Celebrating Pride Month...From the Closet

I discovered I was bisexual in 2013, when I drunkenly attempted to convince a girl on a cruise to come back to my room. My fiancé was sitting next to me, and - needless to say - he had questions. So did I. I’d always held the view that LGBTQIA+ relationships were no different than hetero relationships, and I guess it just took me 19 years to realize that it held true for me personally as well.

Since then, with the support and love of my now-husband, most of the exploration of that side of my sexuality has been through chance encounters at random dive bars - none of which moved past a flirty conversation or a quick make-out session. I did attempt to convince the bartender at my wedding to come home with my husband and I, in front of some of my friends and new family, but that’s a story for another time.

That means it wouldn’t be fair to say that I’m completely in the closet, but I’m not entirely out, either. Most of my friends know, and more of my family than I probably think - especially on my husband’s side, thanks to my wedding shenanigans. On my side of the family, I came out to my dad (who I have a fantastic relationship with) and stepmom (who I do not) about six months ago. Their reactions were less than comforting.

My dad didn’t really say anything, and my stepmom started gushing about how brave her niece is for being lesbian, with no similar comments directed my way. I don’t know if it was supposed to be supportive, but here’s how that read to me: You’re in a hetero marriage. My niece is fully out and in a lesbian relationship. Compared to her, you’re just playing at being bi.

That didn’t exactly give me the warm fuzzies about coming out to the rest of my family - my mom and my stepdad and my stepsister, to be specific. Even though I know my mom and stepdad are allies, and even though I know many people in the community would love to have my first coming-out experience compared to their own, the thought of not being taken seriously again by my family has left me less-than-excited about trying it with them.

So that brings me to Pride Month, which I would like to celebrate publicly i.e over social media but don’t because of the above family. Having said that, the fact that I share a lot of things from George Takei and AmBi’s pages might have already tipped them off. The conundrum I’m left with is figuring out the extent to which I’m comfortable celebrating Pride, and the idea to make a playlist actually came from this challenge. It’s perfect - it’s private but something I can fully immerse myself in, and it’s a way I can connect to Pride beyond just wearing my rainbow scrubs to school.

It’s subtle...right?

Now I know you’re probably thinking, “Stephanie, if you’re not out-out yet then outing yourself with this challenge probably isn’t the smartest move,” and, dear reader, you would be right. But I don’t know if it’s being surrounded by rainbow everything this June or desperately wanting to go to my first Pride parade or just in this moment being willing to accept whatever fallout comes from this article (which I might later regret), but for now, this seems like a decent idea. So without further ado, I give you What Closet?.

There’s 49 songs in this playlist and not enough time or alcohol to explain why they all ended up there, but I will admit to shamelessly pulling from the Pride Playlist! and Pride Party 2021 playlists on Spotify. Both of which I would highly recommend, by the way. Throw in a bunch of my own flavors and jams, and I’ve come up with a playlist that I think can satisfy almost every Pride craving I might have.

One anthem that is definitely in this playlist, the Pride Playlist!, the Pride Party 2021 playlist, and probably any playlist that has been made by a member of the LGBTQIA+ community ever, is Lady Gaga’s Born This Way.

The reasoning for this one is probably pretty obvious, but I’ll say it anyway. I was born this way - and while I may not be proud of trying to have a threesome on my wedding night, I’m not ashamed of being bi.

Other anthems on the list include the Jordan XL remix of Be As You Are by Mike Posner and Heartbeat Song by Kelly Clarkson, as well as Follow Your Arrow by Kacey Musgraves and We Are Family by Sister Sledge. An instant LGBTQIA+ anthem for the backstory alone is Lil Nas X’s MONTERO - and if you experience any pearl-clutching tendencies I would NOT suggest watching the music video. For everyone else, enjoy.

If you didn’t know, the story (as it was told to me by my friend Katie) is that Lil Nas X didn’t originally put his sexuality in the public spotlight so that he would be able to make music in the country genre with less controversy. After his extremely popular Old Town Road came out - which is also on my playlist - he was outed in an attempt to disenfranchise his new fans and quell his growing popularity. So he said, in essence, fuck you. If you’re going to use being gay against me, then I’m going to be *unapologetically* gay. I should go to hell? Fine. I’ll pole dance my sexy ass right down there and give Satan your regards. And thus MONTERO was born.

As far as other artists are concerned, I’ll be the first to admit that unless Katie tells me they’re part of the community I’m generally clueless. So I learned today after a couple google searches of artists on my playlist that Ava Max, Mary Lambert, L Devine, Hayley Kiyoko, Benny, Demi Lovato, and Selena Gomez (maybe?) are all part of the community in addition to the ones I already knew: Gaga, P!nk, Elton John, RuPaul (queen), Freddy Mercury, and - of course - Lil Nas X. And then there’s also a few fantastic allies sprinked in like Cher and Dua Lipa.

You know, sometimes I just want to feel like a Boss Bitch or jam out to 7 Rings and pretend that I’m half as fabulous as Ariana Grande or Doja Cat. Other times I want to feel as Confident as Demi Lovato, and channel my inner Selena Gomez to tell that gorgeous blond at the other end of the bar to Come & Get It.

And then there’s times that pensiveness wins my mood. That’s when songs like Benny’s Little Game and Jess Glynne’s Don’t Be so Hard on Yourself come in handy. I also added in Mary Lambert’s She Keeps Me Warm and My Kind of Love by Emeli Sandé for a little extra angst. Not to mention Same Love with Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.

I’m usually listening to music on my way to or from veterinary school - and with that level of daily exhaustion I need something to get me bobbing my head and dancing at the red lights. Something like Head & Heart by Joel Corry, or the ever-timeless Listen to the Music by The Doobie Brothers. I think this playlist definitely delivers on pep even with the more somber, subdued songs.

The rest of the songs are a combination of those that affirm my bisexuality like Hayley Kioko’s Curious, those that remind me of carpool karaoke with great friends like Shower by Becky G, and those that just make me happy listening to them like Queen’s Don’t Stop Me Now. I can’t wait to jam out to What Closet? for the rest of June, and all the months that follow! Who knows, maybe it’ll even inspire me to finish my journey out of the closet. For now, however, This Is Me.