A letter to our queer youth

My Dear Queer Youth,

It has been a long time since I could be described as young by anyone born after the Civil Rights Act was passed. My own parents were their early teens when that law was passed in the United States, making discrimination on the basis of race, religion, sex or skin colour illegal. I would be the same age as they were then before apartheid was ended in South Africa, and my own son was four years old when the first same sex marriage contracts were signed in the UK. We have come a long way, in three generations, and pockets of backwards slippage notwithstanding, I believe we continue to move past tolerance of difference and towards celebration of humanity.

Which is not to say we have got there. I know that there are places in this world where existence as a human not perceived to fit the narratives of binary gender categorisation and heterosexuality is to risk not just persecution, but even prosecution, and I know that in some nations, the situation is deteriorating rather than improving. So I do not say that you should stop your clamour, the battle is won, because I know that while things are looking more harmonious than ever on some fronts, there are others where clamour is needed yet. But I also know that there are closets which, once opened, turn out to be packed so tightly that there is no shutting them again, and I believe that this particular closet is beyond reconstruction, and we will be the better for it.

For yourself, you may feel you are still within those closet walls, and to you I would say “so what”. In the history of humanity, how many people have been expected to sit their mum and dad down and declare their sexual intent or proclaim their intended identity? Not so many, is it? Because that is frankly a bizarre thing to expect of a young person. In many ways, doing so might make things easier, and good for you if you have it all out in the open with the people around you, it may well be more comfortable on the other side of that wall. But the vast majority of young humans sidle into their adult relationships awkwardly attempting to minimise sexual disclosure to the elders around them and railing against the identities imposed upon them by those elders at their own damn pace. I suspect it would be healthier if we were to lay it all on the table, and I would love for my children to give that gift to me as a parent, but if you are a cisgendered straight kid, it’s not the expectation, and so why should it be for anyone else? Do what suits you. But give the people who love you time to adjust. If you tell me I’m going to Paris when I thought I was heading to Rome, I’m going to need a minute to rearrange my fantasies. It doesn’t mean I’m not just as happy to visit Paris, I just need to let go of the Sistine Chapel, and realign myself to the Notre Dame. Don’t despair when your disclosure, should you choose to make one, doesn’t follow the script you had in mind.

On the other hand, if your people turn out to think Paris is a dogs shit encrusted city of worthless snobs, you go ahead and go to Paris without them, sometimes people are disappointingly inflexible. Paris is full of people who love it.

I am rambling, when what I wanted to say was really quite succinct. There was a time where the colour of a person’s skin was the most significant part of their identity, sufficient to warrant a policy of separation. There was a time where the biological sex of a person was considered so defining a feature that the law might apply differently to people depending on it. There was a time when someone’s sexuality was of such importance that they were treated differently, even when engaged in fully clothed business, according to what was known of it. In each of these cases, this has not been by mutual agreement. One group has subjugated another. A dominant narrative has been nurtured, and has declared that one aspect of a person defines them and their permitted place in society. You are not defined only by ANY one aspect of your identity. You are a complex intersection of all the biopsychosocial elements which make up how you are right now. And how you are right now will shift and morph and become another how you are right now, informed by, but not defined by, how you were and how you understood yourself to be, and how others interacted with that you and framed your understanding of yourself. Still with me? I’m saying you are complex, and you are going to change. For example, sometimes I can write succinctly and sometimes I am reading two books published in the mid 19th century simultaneously and have lost the ability to construct a straightforward sentence as a consequence.

Now let me come to the simple part. Enjoy yourself. Life is hard enough, don’t miss the opportunity to take joy in it wherever you can. I’m not saying don’t keep an eye on your future or don’t take seriously what your values tell you are serious issues, but your sexuality, your gender, you race, religion, favourite sport, political opinions, relationship to avocados, these are all only parts of a far more complex story, don’t get so focused on one part that you miss all the others have to offer. That dominant narrative has told you that you should – if you are gay, for example, don’t let the narrative tell you that that is the most important thing about you and forget to spend some energy on being musical, or loving the sea, or wanting to tackle food scarcity, or hell, being a piece of shit who needs to address your attitude towards your friends. My dear queer youth, don’t let history take the parts of you and tell you how to value them. Be whole and value yourself in your wholeness. Do you know how hard it is to subjugate someone who truly values themselves?

I say this in the knowledge that we build our valuing of ourselves from how others have valued us too, so I would like to add this. There are people who value you. I hope very much that you’ve met them, that you were raised by them even. But if you weren’t, do not think they don’t exist. You have value, and that value is only tied to your queerness by virtue of that being part of who you are. You have value. The whole of you. And if you are a piece of shit who needs to address your attitude towards your friends, well, that can be worked on, we’ve all had to learnt to cope with what comes our way and if what has come your way is a tonne of criticism or abuse, chances are you can be a bit defensive in your interactions now.

So get out there and value yourself. Value others and the people who value you too. Keep fighting against the voices that push you down, against the voices that push anyone down, remember that those voices belong to humans as well, with their own value despite everything you might feel towards them, and perhaps, with enough exposure, many of them will learn that Paris is just as great as Rome. Perhaps, in another generation, people all over the world will be able to go to either, both or neither, and no one will tell them they can’t. Enjoy it, wherever you can. Don’t be ashamed if there is a day you need to hide to feel safe, that is not on you. Don’t be ashamed if there is a day you want to shout loud and celebrate yourself either, the world needs more of that.

Just remember, Paris or Rome, wear sunscreen.