Writing on the Wall

The writing is on the wall,

I can see it clearly,

I am just choosing to not see it at all,

I am trying to avoid the characteristics I see that follow,

The feelings I have felt before, same shoes different girl,

and who I became from those times,

I can see the stains in our fights,

They can wash out overtime, but they still remine there,

I can see the concern I felt from the stories you told of your past,

I sometimes think about their intentions of why it didn't last,

I can see those actions being applied in our relationship.

I can see it,

But I don't want to believe it,

I don't want to say it out loud, or make sense of it,

Because if the words are written down, or said out loud,

The reasoning is more evident, more concrete without a doubt,,

It scares me that you are not who I want to confide in,

it scares me how my arguments with you turns into being my fault,

it scares me that I am so afraid to let you down, I rather not respond,

or shove it under the rug, so I can keep pretending this is worthwhile,

that my good times with you are far better than the bad,

How I am happier with you than sad,

and some days that is true,

But most of the time I am in the middle with you,

which makes figuring out if my love for you is even true?

When we fight, am I really fighting for you?

In those moments filled with spite and defense,

Is it us I am fighting for,

Or, am I analyzing what would be the cost,

to face another loss,

of investing in someone that takes me back to the same spot,

of being alone again,

to checking off another person,

I am really tired of dating and learning,

That I may just be the problem,

Maybe my view on a relationship is broken,

Because this cannot be it,

I cannot love to not feel stability in it,

I cannot dream of a life with you for it to be washed away in a raised tone,

I cannot dance around topics because showing my vulnerability has comebacks from you,

You can have my heart, but what does that even mean anymore,

Because you do,

But I am still seeing right through everything you say,

At the end of the day, shouldn't I know,

Shouldn't I know you are the air I want to breathe,

The person I can't wait to see,

The person I would rather die for than see you bleed,

Because I don't,

I see all the reasons it won't last,

I see versions of you from my past,

And who I was with them,

I am so afraid to have myself become that again,

and that scares me to see any future with you,

You may not be them,

but your actions come with a larger reason,

of how I react,

even if you were only a part of that,

I see the problems,

the answers to solve them,

they are written on the wall,

I don't want to see them, but there they are,

and the fact is, we won't make it far,

maybe because of who you are,

but mostly because I don't see it truly in my heart.