She’s Gone …

Today marks five years since that awful day.

The day they called and told me, “She’s gone…away.”

Confusion rocked us all.

Shock reigned in the wake of that call.

Why hadn’t you reached for any of us

When you’d felt ready to give up on it all?

.

When the call came, it didn’t seem possible.

It didn’t feel real.

I can’t begin to express all the emotions that I still feel.

You were the sister I’d never known I’d needed.

The girl that can never be superseded.

.

You know I would’ve lent a shoulder as I had so many times before.

Just because we’d argued,

And I was still pretty sore,

That doesn’t undo the years of friendship

Or sisterhood that we’d built.

.

We were supposed to be sisters forever, remember?

A couple of rebellious old ladies, refusing to wilt.

We’d continue to spread free knowledge,

Go on our urban hikes past Boston College.

.

You had a spirit that didn’t deserve to be stilled,

Whether by your own hand or not.

You had a purpose yet to be fulfilled,

Now there’s just all of this pain that you’ve wrought.

.

There was so much more that you needed to do!

Didn’t you think about what your boys would go through?

Your solution may have ended your pain,

But what of that for those of us who remain?

.

I still miss the infectious way that you laughed.

Damn it!

Why didn’t you call me? Let me be your life raft!

You know I would’ve done anything for you.

Instead, you left us all.

How can this be true?

.

Forfeiting your life because of all that happened,

It’s unfathomable that this is something you would ever do.

You had every right to be saddened!

But rage, vent, and shed all the tears you need.

Just don’t give up, don’t give in!

The pain would eventually recede!

.

You should’ve stayed!

You should’ve tried!

Waited one more day,

Waited for the tears to have dried, the pain to subside!

Let us convince you to stay!

We would’ve found a way!

.

You were way too young to go.

It was not your time.

You were needed here more than you’ll ever know.

Did you truly not realize how much we all loved you so?

.

I won’t ask how someone who could bring such joy, could harbor such anguish, too,

Because I do understand what that pain does to you.

Still, I can’t reconcile

That I’ll never again hear your voice,

Because we’re left only with photos of your smile

In the aftermath of your choice.

.

September 2023 marks five years since one of my best friends took her life. She experienced a great deal of trauma in her early life, both prior to and post her adoption. These experiences reverberated throughout her life. She often felt lost and suffered from significant separation anxiety. Those of us who loved her were constantly having to reassure her of our connections, love, and loyalty.

She was a bubbly, beautiful woman with a heart of gold. Unfortunately, her pain was deeper than her joy. After years of seeking professional help, and finding none, she sought a permanent solution to her latest pain on the eve of what would’ve finally been the treatment she had long been seeking. Why she chose the wee hours of that morning to end her life, we will never know. Her children will never know. This is a question that will haunt me forever.

As much as I love and miss her, I cannot help but feel some resentment for her having left her children behind. It’s just impossible for me to wrap my head around that to this day. Her two oldest struggle to understand why she’d leave them in such a way, while the youngest can barely recall her.

How can we as adults, who don’t fully understand it ourselves, explain it to the little ones? It’s an ongoing conundrum. I tell you this not to break your hearts, but to bring awareness to the reality of the devastation left in the wake of suicide.

If you are struggling — Please reach out for help! If someone you know is struggling — Reach out to them and offer help! Check in on your loved ones, like really check in. Don’t accept the “I’m fine.” when you can see that they’re not.

The signs aren’t always there, they may appear to be coping just fine. There’s no harm in continuously checking in and letting them know that you’re available should they want or need to talk. If they want or need help.

Clear your schedule and make time to be there when they need you. Encourage them to seek professional help, and if they can’t find the services they need (As I’ve seen happen far too many times!), then, pull from your support circle and rally around them until the services they need are available.

Permanent “solutions” to temporary pain is never the answer. Even when the pain has been lifelong and bone-deep, there are brighter days ahead! Use your voice, express what is in your heart, your head, give voice to the pain, and purge it as best as you can.

The sun will still rise in the morning and if you don’t give up, you will too. Every day is another chance to work towards a better future, a brighter tomorrow. There are going to be difficult days, that is part of life. However, you are capable of rising above whatever the situation is as long as you don’t give up!

Embrace whatever coping skills you need to in order to get through. Reach out as much as you need to. You are worthy of a full life and happiness. If you give up now, you shall never find it, and you’ll leave a vast hole behind in your absence. Know that you are loved.

You are, were, and will forever be loved, Sarah. I miss you, Sister.

. . .

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This poem was originally published on Medium.