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I miss how we used to be,
how your fingers dug into
my soul, brought out my emotion,
gave me love but you have
faked happiness, anger but
never love.
I miss the kisses on my cheeks,
the thoughtful words,
the smiles that never faded,
or the way you used to stare
at me like I was a portrait
of beauty.
I miss the love,
you
left in the hole you created
in my chest,
the way my hand felt
like the perfect puzzle
piece.
I miss the person you used to be with me.
I miss believing that
you once felt true
happiness with me, a feeling
I have never greeted,
never met or ever had.
I miss the I love you's,
the gorgeous in the morning,
the beautiful at night,
I miss being called momma.
I miss everything about us
that we used to be. I miss
the love that grew us,
I miss believing that you
love me because how
can you say you wouldn't
feel a thing?
I miss feeling loved,
I miss feeling like you are
in love with me,
a girl who has faked emotions
she has never understood.
A girl who's never fallen in love,
who has tasted posion from a vile,
held blood on her hands,
stabbed men in the heart.
Set love on fire,
danced on its ashes,
& turned it into tea,
drinking its remains,
dancing on its grave.
What can I say?
When I don't understand what love
is or the happiness it brings?
I thought home was a person,
love was a thought,
a chemical in-balance,
& the heart a virus.
I ask you to stop faking emotions,
to hoping, to praying, you don't
flip the switch to feel nothing,
that being led on isn't the goal
or a game of checkers I will
never win.
I miss falling into your hugs,
laying in bed in your arms
& hearing your heartbeat,
holding me closer to feel
your warmth, to understand
maybe this is what love is.
That the love I feel with you
is beautiful, grand, & polite
but then I cry, I whine, & fall
into loveless books of tradgies.
Wondering if all the emotions
you have told have been fake,
if believing in soulmates is even
true to you, I still wonder are
you still in love with me
when you're ignoring me?
My poetry may be blasphemy
but I speak the truth & color it
lace it, tie with a bow & still
tell you I love you.
Yet, I fear that you are faking
the love you feel for me
because you are the first boy I have
ever loved.
The first that my heart
has ever given a chance to hold.
I ask don't break it,
or kill it with gasoline,
because I have never fallen
in love before.
This is all still new me,
I hope you are still falling
in love with me, caressing
my heart & making it whole.
I miss your smile,
your ADHD,
your morbid humor,
& your love for me.
I miss it all but I fear
you have been faking it,
I miss your late night calls,
falling asleep on the phone,
playing me songs that remind
you of us.
I miss us,
the way we used be,
your hugs,
our kisses,
I look at our pictures
& remember our memories.
I still remember falling
in love with you,
beneath a sunset,
our feet in the sand,
teaching me to dance.
I still love you.
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