Helplessness

Haunting it is to live with your mother,

risking it is the life of my son,

the dowry request to be fulfilled,

the market of the marriage license signed for producing a baby,

ultimately,

the child becomes the victim of all,

the child suffers,//

All those treasures of youth,

The dreams of the younger me,

shattered by getting into the doors of marriage,

An identity I wore to start a family,

I didn't know I was marrying your mother,

Fulfilling her needs and demands and happiness were the valuables for our existence,

I regret every bit of me,

being married, bringing a child into this family,

in the pride of happiness in holding my child,

ignored are the emotional aggressions created across,

for the first time in my life,

I could see my life turned upside down,

the walk-in of the wish, to die,

and I don't want to leave my son with your mother,

for my soul will never rest in peace,

the rage of my mind at its peak,

I shiver to hold my knife tight,

the haste of being present,

I throw myself into a bowl of ice,

the identity I started to lose,

with all my senses,//

the moment of helplessness,

don't blame me for noticing,

literate state yet illiterate mind,

the greed, the cunningness,

the joy and pride in the success of a son, the grandchild's arrival,

the showcasing of happiness in the continuity of the lineage,

don't you blindfold yourself to the truth,

you are a father now, be one,

and then we can talk about the failures of motherhood,//

with clarity from deep down,

I tell you,

If you make a choice, we will live together,

and If I make a choice, my heart will ache,

celebrating the victory of freedom,

freedom from the bacteria eating my mind,//

Until a loss, there is nothing but pain and suffering,

the only solution I reach at the end of the day,

but my heartbeat beats to the call of my son,

the only meaning in existence, I feel,

but that, too will be snatched,

by exploiting the innocence of the child,

I am tired, my dear,

I am tired,

I want to go home,//

aren't you tired,

aren't you tired of listening,

aren't you tired of asking,

don't tell me they are old,

don't find reasons to justify,

I have lost all my peace at the commands,

I don't see any happiness in our life anymore,

looking back, I can only see how wasted it has been living a life like this,

half my life, gone in the enrage of emotional turmoil,

I thought I was the picked fool,

But it is you who really failed,//

what have I done to my life,

losing my strength, my courage,

my career, my home,

being forced to stay who I am not,

I wake up feeling dead,

buried in this home of yours,

reminded every day is the belonging of yours,

your car, your TV,

your house, your money,

your room, your son,

so, who am I,

your checking account?//

pushed to the verge of sadness,

every step seems like a punishment,

as if living for a sin I committed in some lifetime,

helplessness is what my breath has turned into,

thrown into the hands of in-laws,

shattered is the married life,

you failed to protect,

don't you raise your voice at my mother for not teaching me how to behave,

rather I shout at my mother for teaching me to tolerate, adjust,

not everything is about me to meet,

I am not the substitute for childbearing,

do you even see the harmful traits that lead to a concussion,

I regret bringing a child into this world of war,

because in the end,

it is the child who becomes the victim of all,

the child suffers,//

Will there ever be a change? //

thank you for making it much easier to recognize,

the characteristics of who I have turned into,

never knew that I could hate my life this much,

that being alive is a mistake,

the failure of my life in this lifetime,

oh, my mother, knowing everything, you needed a scar on my wrist to visit,

oh, my father, I pray to you as you aren't alive to see my suffering,

it lightens my heart,//

why do we willingly become the pawns,

the regrets, the guilt,

the pain, the suffering,

all, has become easier to suppress,//

the opportunities I waved away,

the chances I kept giving,

the life I knowingly let it drown,

all to the fear instilled in asking for help,

all the denials from not receiving a helping hand,

not anymore, not a piece of art to be painted upon,

and I stand today in front of you asking for help,

and I understand your fear of extending,

for you will be called a traitor,

not looking after your mother,

the lessons of marriage standards,

but I was never called a traitor for leaving my mother,

but easily pointed out, the daughter-in-law who breaks the family,

it is amazing how explanations find their way to equalize for the benefits,

have you for once thought about staying in my home,

spending time with my mother, who is only called when the ritual calls,

why is it that I have to sacrifice my identity,

and wear a new identity as per your house requirements,

but you.

.......

when will there be a change,//

for all the lost lives of daughters and daughters-in-law,

who couldn't take any more pain,

housed was the fear and peace that overpowered the awareness,//

I lay a bunch of buds on your burial ground,

to soothe your soul's pain that felt helpless in times of need,

I pray for you to feel the light to blossom,//

By asking those to seek help,

I don't know where to start,

how to suggest to overcome the pain,

Or put an end to the fatigue,

but I do know to tell you,

seek help and let this chapter find its end,

for you are much stronger than you thought,

recognize the inner strength you had, that carried you till here,

don't try to wipe those tears,

for they define your resilience, not your weaknesses,

Didn't know my identity was this fragile,

with a promise to smile at the end of this chapter,

I won't let it pass without an entry in my memory lane.

-- April 8, 2023