God Sent you

Dear You,

I know now that God sent you to test me; God sent you to teach me. Our meeting was too random, too chaotic, but most importantly too impactful, for it to have been anything other than divine intervention. Even after all of the hurt and all of the pain I wouldn’t change a thing.

The first time I met you I told myself that you would be someone special to me. I was right. I also told myself I wouldn’t fall in love with you, but with that I was wrong. In the past I have told girls I loved them, but I didn’t. It’s not that I meant to harm, hurt, or deceive. I just didn’t know. I believed I did. I believed I was telling them the truth. I have gotten a lot of things wrong in my life but nothing sticks with me like the guilt of those sins. Please do not read this and think for an instant that I see what you have done as a sin. You never told me you loved me and for that I thank you. I would kill to hear those words, but only if they were true. My heartbreak was my fault. You were a mirror. A mirror that was so clear and so true I could not only see myself, but also the Heaven and Hell that reside around the earth.

The first time I saw your body I knew atheists were fools. I saw God's poetry in you. As great as my nights were with you, they paled in comparison to the mornings. I know on those mornings God sent the sunlight from ninety-million miles away to pierce through our atmosphere and shine through my window to hit my eyes and not yours. He did this so I could enjoy those moments with you. It was in one of those mornings that I knew I loved you. When I would wake with your head on my chest and a leg thrown over mine I knew. It was a divine revelation that only became stronger with every morning. I would hold you tight while you slept and hope that you knew, no matter how far away I was I could protect you. I would kiss your head and hope that you knew, that until the day I die someone loved you. When your body would finally move, so your day could soon begin, I would beg and pray to God "Please let this be again."

The night you told me drunkenly that lust isn’t love, a part of me died. It died because I already knew that. It died because you had already taught me this lesson. It died because I loved you more than anything and anyone, and if what I showed you hadn’t already taught you, how could I show anyone. I finally cried and the rest of me died when your desire to see me was no longer expressed. This death was only temporary, because now I know God sent you, it was for the best.

I love you. I do not expect you to say it back, in fact I do not expect you to say anything at all. The only thing I ask of you is to read this letter and know that I meant it. Please know I meant it all. If you can’t know, then read it again and again if you have to. When you do know, when you truly understand how I felt and how I feel, then, and only then you can write me back. Losing you was hard and I can’t do it twice. If you still feel nothing for me then please, for my sake, stay out of my life. But if one day things change and you think that we might have a chance I beg you to come to me. Nothing in the world would delight me more than to receive that letter out of the blue. Until then you know where to find me. I’ll be here, sitting and writing, in apartment seventy-two.

Love,

Me