Self Conversation

As soon as I saw my schedule empty at 4:00 pm I packed up my backpack and headed home, my intention was to paint the new plant pot I got at home depot, but after walking Lea (my dog) the sun called my name to sit with it a while; and so I did, I sat on the rocks, then on the sand, it shocked me how much my soul needed grounding. As I wrote the sun and I danced, we smiled at one another; thanking each other for the company.

A Page From My Journal.

_______________________________

Hey stranger! How are you? long time no talk!

I am sorry, I've had time for everything and anyone but you. Writing seemed like the last thing on my mind. It's not like I don't want to write, I do! I just stare at the blank page without the urge to begin.

I miss you.

I know, I miss you too. Life is busy or maybe distractions are; I am trying to mirror my happiness to my success, I know my happiness is not attached to anything or anyone but me, but still I stand on this mountain high looking out at the sky without taking in the sunset.

Truth is you've been desperate, Lucy.

I have, reassurance is one of those needs that can make or brake me.

Why is it? Why is reassurance so important?

I am not sure ... Because I needed it all of my life from my mom, I mean my sperm-donor didn't even want me!

Don't do that! That doesn't only hurt you, but me too.

I am ashamed of needing this so bad, when I don't, it makes all the good disappear. Why do I have this scar? Why is it so deep?

Let's start with mom; what did you need from her?

I needed safety. Certainty.Stability.Support.Love; I needed her to be THERE.

How?

When little Lucy was hurt, I wish she would've held her, tell her she was fine or at least when she found out what had happened. It always stuck with me that she just left, granted I was drunk but she could've said something, anything would've been enough.

Why can you tell her all of this?

I just can't.

Do you think she'll be mad or not want to talk about it?

I just feel she'll bury it like she's done with everything else. My mom does not deal with emotional stuff.

Who does that remind you of?

Myself.

Everyone has dirty laundry Lucy , Why do you judge her so hard?

She's my MOM!

She wasn't able to give you something she didn't have.

She could've tried.

Have you tried? Look at your relationship with your oldest, have you tried? Can you really sit here and say you really tried? No, you can't, you did not have the love to give to your own child, then came the second and you are still struggling to be a mother, but here you are judging your mother for making you a robot.

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I shut the book because I couldn't write, I lost direction because the bomb in my chest kept exploding as I looked for answers. This is what shadow work is, a conversation with self, something like an HR meeting.

Today, a good friend said " I feel like I walk on eggshells with you, you go from 0 to 100 so quick " at first I felt attacked, but after actually listening to her words, I hanged my head in defeat. I am learning, I am starting to understand that 'everything does not need a reaction'. I am starting to form a calculated audit, being an emotional robot has caused me to loose out on so much, if I am really taking inventory, I could say I've lost majority of my wins.

I can be extremely emotional or emotionally robotic, I never know which way the scale would go, it scares me at times, especially with people I really care about, working on myself is the hardest test of all time; my mother has been the biggest opponent, the one that no matter how many knock-outs I blow, keeps getting up, keeps getting closer; I don't know how to defeat her because I am her.

XOXO

Lucy