I lived

I scroll through my Instagram feed seeing all the amazing things people have done this year. Don't get me wrong, this was weirdly a crazy and beautiful year for me too. If you look at my Instagram profile, you'll see that I traveled around the world, ran a marathon, wrote a book, got a couple of top stories on Vocal (wink, wink), and opened up a bookstore.

What you won't see is me crying on my kitchen or bathroom floor. You won't see the number of times I closed my eyes shut hoping I could wish my way back to the times when my husband was alive. The time I realized it would take only one cut to bleed out and be in his arms again. You will definitely not see me having panic and anxiety attacks, or throwing up multiple times a month because while I like to pretend I'M FINE, my body knows that I'm not.

While everyone is wrapping up their year with that holiday cheer, the grievers are just hoping to survive. Yet. Another. Year. Without their loved ones...

So yes, if I wanted to I could've easily come up with a quick video of my 2023 highlights. There are plenty. But that doesn't feel right. Because no matter how many amazing things I've done this year, I have also been grieving. And while grieving... nothing really feels right. Everything you do is overshadowed by the fact your loved one is not able to do it with you.

The thing is, if I hadn't lost my husband, I'd probably still be working at my corporate job - responding to emails 9-5, and always saying "I wish I had the time to write more".

If Andrew didn't die, I would keep canceling our trips because we HAD TO save money.

We always had time. We kept believing there was always "next time".

It's not that I was unhappy. But I don't think I knew how to be happy either. There was always the idea of the future holding us back. We couldn't spend all of our money, we couldn't use all of our paid time off... we couldn't live the way we wanted to because we had to think about what would happen next.

When Andrew died, I realized there was no future. All the money he saved, all the time off he wanted to use for our next vacation - it was pointless. All I had left was memories. And the only thing I regretted was the ones we didn't get to make. All the trips we canceled. All the dinner dates we skipped just to save that stupid $50. And what for?

So I quit my job and opened up an indie bookstore. Every millennial's dream, right? I re-published my first book. The money I didn't spend on the store, I spent on traveling. Just within a month of opening the bookstore, I managed to finish another book. I even fostered a puppy.

At this point, I don't see my future. I only see the possibility of missed opportunities. So if you ask me what I did in 2023... I lived. If you want to know what are my goals for the next year, it's quite simple. I'll continue to live.

I'll keep making irresponsible flight and Airbnb bookings. I'll run more marathons, putting my body through hell. I'll eat and drink with my friends, not worried about the bill afterward. I'll hike and breathe the mountain air. I'll continue to share my art with the world. I won't stop putting my heart on the line for the things and people I believe in. And when I need to... I'll break down. And I'll take as much time as I need to get back to living.

Nothing feels right these days. I feel guilty about the life I've created without my husband. I wish I had the guts to live like this when he was still here. But if there's anything I learned from grieving, it's the fact that life doesn't care whether you feel guilty or not. It doesn't wait for you to be ready or happy.

Life just keeps going.

So instead of recapping what you have done or not this year, or making New Year's resolutions about what you're hoping to do next - just get your ass outside and start living. Even when everything feels wrong. Even if you feel like you can't. You don't need to wait till some magical date to do things you want to do. Stop wishing. Stop hoping.

Someone the other day asked me what the most important word in Nike's slogan "Just do it" was. Most people think it's "do". But it's not... What we all struggle with is the "just" part. We think it's hard to do something but it's not. The hard part is to let go of overthinking. Just take the first step and realize it wasn't a big deal at all. Why did you wait in the first place?

Life. Doesn't. Wait.

As for me... I'm permanently sad and heartbroken. This whole "go-get-it" attitude I was born with is exhausting. I hate it, it drives me crazy and contradicts my grief on a daily basis. But then... I can't do anything about it. I love life just as much as I hate it. And at least I've got good stories to write on Vocal about how I lived.

Hope when you take that jump

You don't fear the fall

Hope when the water rises

You built a wall

Hope when the crowd screams out

It's screaming your name

Hope if everybody runs

You choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love

And it hurts so bad

The only way you can know

You give it all you have

And I hope that you don't suffer

But take the pain

Hope when the moment comes you'll say

I, I did it all

I, I did it all

I owned every second that this world could give

I saw so many places

The things that I did

Yeah, with every broken bone

I swear I lived

- I lived by One Republic