A New Beginning

Recently it has come to my attention that I am not who I thought I was. Unfortunatly, I came to this conclusion because I actually started to see the wall I was slamming my head against. The wall I put up to keep everyone else out. The wall that I was hiding behind so comfortably that I created my own little world behind it and told myself and everyone else that the other side didn't exist.

Well, turns out it did and now the wall is coming down and I am left to look at the world in a new light. I'm forced to face the things about myself I had been hiding from or pretending wern't true. Things like my depression. My low self esteem. My weight, my taste in music, my everything. The good things too, like my love for reading, art or crocheting, which no one but me in my small circle of people really understands.

It is hard to start from scratch.

Taking apart that wall brick by brick with your head ringing from headbutting it for years is a tough job. And if I am going through this, others must be going through it so maybe someone can learn from my experience. Maybe someone else needs to know they are not alone in the fight for a new beginning. A fresh start.

Sometimes thats all we want as human beings. The chance to take a deep breath and figure out how we move forward.

The last time I had to think was back when I took the picture above. I was standing on the rock wall wondering what dicision I was going to make and how my life would be effected because of it. I had been debating on leaving my fiancee whom I had been with for 8 years and I was trying to picture my life with him. Would we be happy? Would we have children? Would I ever acheive what I wanted with him in my life?

Or would it be better to dive head first into the unknown and start all over? Leaving him meant I had to find a new place to live and actually become self sufficent. It meant leaving everything I had grown to know over the years and find a new way to live. It was hard and it was scary, but I managed... and I am so glad I left him because I now have my partner and my son, both of whom I could not imagine my life without.

But I stood there breathing in the ocean air, listening to the roar of the waves crashing on the rocks and gave myself that moment to be still.

I believe that is a huge part of new beginnings. Before you do anything, you must breathe.

That is what I am trying to do now, though it is harder because my life isn't starting over, I am. I am finally trying to figure out who I am and not just who I want to be to other people.

The one thing I do know about myself is that I love to write still so that is what I am going to focus on for the time being.

Writing and breathing.

Breathe with me.