I don't know what to feel.

I'm just so tired of feeling a connection with someone and losing it in such a short amount of time. It's like I like to be treated poorly somehow. Maybe it's what they say. My lack of affection when I was a kid from my mother. I still feel a bit weird towards my mother because she shows no care for me whatsoever even though I have been in another country for years now, but she cares so much about my brother who only causes trouble. I've read somewhere that usually, mothers will focus all their energy on that son who clearly needs help because he just can't help himself. and not me because I clearly can take care of myself, I have done so much by myself so far, so what is the point of her even being worried, also the fewer times I had a breakdown with my mom she only blamed and kept on saying "I told you so" instead of being supportive. That messed me up. But I try not to think of it that way. I usually ignore it. I sometimes don't even remember I have a family. Because I'm living my life. I'm the only one who cares enough to go back home to show that I'm okay. But sometimes I feel like what is the point when nobody does that for me. Is it fair that because I'm the one away I need to be the one always visiting. I don't think so. Should I just use that money and go somewhere else. Maybe I should. Never show up again. 

maybe all this need for love, affection and attettion i have is because of it but at the same time why it has to be a trauma and not a real need. i want to care for someone too. i want to treat them well. i want to create a life with someone. i want to have a best friend and a lover. why is it so hard to have that. the older i get the harder it gets. all i get is situationship of months that dont progress into nothing because im so afraid of losing that little sample of affection and attetion oncde a week i forget that i deserve way more than that. am i being unfair maybe i am the one in the wrong. maybe i am not the victim because they told me so from the start what it was but telling me one thing and then showering me with little moments of care and affection is wrong. just give me nothing but meaningless sex if thats what we want. i really need to stop getting myself excited over the little details. those are the worst. we can give me nothing and but if you give the little hint of what could be. i am in. and that is so dangerous because i always end up hurting my own feelings. and then i cry for days but in my room where nobody can see me i tell nobody how bad it hit me, i joke about it actually, but its fucking killing me inside. i did wonder if it was an ego thing, if i was infatuated with the idea of, if i was just with a crush, whatever it was, i dont know maybe i get way too deep. maybe i have been disatisfied how my life was going that having this little situations put my mind out of it for some hours. but then it would hit me that this situations were contributing for me to feel even more worthless. like what is my purpose. what do i even want in life. why do i care so much about this. and then months go by and i forget about them. but then i get myself in a new situation and is circle. and its repeting itself again and again. my head is about to explode. too many emotions. no emotions at times.