I’m 44, Sober, Smoking Hot, And Have Multiple Stalkers

Hey, fabulous followers! It’s Marissa Narski, and let me tell you, life at 44 can be a wild ride. 🎢 If you’re anything like me — which you aren’t — you have endless stalkers. It’s a nuisance! What’s a girl to do?

My Stalkers

Someone wrote an entire article last month asking me out on a date. I haven’t even seen his face, or biceps, yet!

Smillew Rahcuef invited me for bowling and sausages. Seriously? He must live in Iowa.

Florida might vote Trump, but we are not a red state!

If you are hot — or rich — and want to take me on a date, in Miami that means yoga and ceviche, and we’ll see what happens afterward.

Goodbye, Gary

Fending off Smillew was child’s play compared to the man who is currently my most persistent stalker:

“This is Gary from Florida City Gas, your service is about to be suspended — ”

“Gary. Not interested. When will you leave me alone?”

I hung up. Where is there time to talk to losers?

Men, if you’re working at a public utility and trying to impress a woman, don’t lead with your job description.

✅ Life Hack #1 — Avoid men who work for utilities.

A Play Date with Emily

Another stalker is my ex-husband, who calls me constantly about child visitation. I’m too busy unless little Emily can come down and do a CBD skin infusion next to me at my spa, and promise not to tell me about first grade for the third time.

Thankfully, I don’t need to waste time thinking about these needy people, because I’m too busy fending off ex-boyfriends.

Zen and the Art of BMW Maintenance

Being stalked by last year’s discards does have a few perks as they are all rich AF.

“Hey Stan!” I message BF #3.

“Marissa! When can I see you again?”

“You can see me at 10 am Tuesday morning, at Bayside BMW. I’ll have a surprise waiting for you.❤️

“I’ll be there, Marissa.”

“Bring your credit card.”

Hopefully, Stan doesn’t mind that repairs for a BMW cost 3x more than any other car.

I hope Stan doesn’t pester me with invites, after paying to get my car fixed.

Pray for me.🙏

✅ Life Hack #2 — Don’t drink alcohol. Staying sober, it’s easier to spot who is paying the bill at a nightclub, and not waste time with anyone else.

Breakfast with Stefano

I’ll pray for you, whoever and wherever you are unless you’re a Gen-Z woman in Miami.

Today, at Vinyasa class, our instructor Stefano strode into the studio right on time, his toned physique accentuated by his tight athletic wear. With Southern Florida sun-kissed skin and piercing green eyes, he commands attention. His deep, soothing voice guided us through today’s challenging sequences, while his movements demonstrated perfect form.

And then after class, the Gen-Z girl told everyone about how her mom died. She’s so thirsty for validation, that she never stops crying about it. As I adjusted my Lululemon to reshape my butt, that hot Stefano rushed over to talk to her and even touched her shoulder.

I sent him a reminder:

@stefano im buying you a kombucha after class💖 reply

I have sent him 17 text messages since yesterday, and he hasn’t answered yet, but I’m not going to let that stop me.

@stefano if ur vegan we can skip the kombucha and go straight to your place

✅ Life Hack #3 — Never take “No” for an answer.

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Note: I’m posting this on behalf of Marissa Narski, who claims that some characters and events portrayed are fictitious, even though it mostly rings true to me.

Edited with ProWritingAid, which took out 13 instances of the word “amazing”.

All characters and events portrayed are fictitious.

Don’t sue me, Fiona.