The last 6 months have been complete and total hell
The hell of my own making
I chose when I entered it
The night I rejected you
Not because I didn’t love you profoundly
But because I didn't love myself enough
It was borne out of my fear of uncertainty
And my own fever-pitch fear of rejection
I entered hell that day
Every single moment of every hour of every day and sometimes even night has been hell. I have not been able to recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel like a coward. The vomit just sits in my throat. Waiting to be expelled.
I knew it that moment I wasn’t being myself
I was denying myself the greatest opportunity to ever come my way
What I had been yearning and ardently working towards for YEARS and years
You may not believe me but I had put in thousands of hours of "inner work" up to that point. Every single day.
...
You see I always thought I was open minded
I love flinging myself into the wind of the world
To various destinations of our globe and just winging it
I love the exuberance, the exhilaration
The liberation
Of travelling
All i have to do is show up
It’s not complicated
All I have to do consciously choose it
Sure there are airport lines, sometimes delays and cancellations and all else that comes with it...
Most people I talk to long to travel...they say "some day I'll do it"
and they never do because they never consciously choose it
They let fear get in the way.
You can't just expect the airplane to come to your front door to pick you up...
As it turns out, everything in life is like that,
YOU must meet the ship at port
You must put in something to get something out of it...
Me personally I love travelling
I get to be my true self when I travel. My breaths are longer, by steps are springier, my smile grows wider, my soul is happier.
At home, I clamp up, I feel claustrophobic and trapped. I feel the dust has settled on the people I'm around and it's slowly creeping in for me. I tried to live my life joylessly like the people around me... but that's not me.
I know this is just a trick my mind plays on. It's possible for me to feel free at home, I just need to open up to it.
Travelling is the best part of my life.
Many people tell me "but aren't you worried about something bad happening? after all you're a single woman."
I tell them "no it never crosses my mind."
Not one bad thing has ever happened as a solo woman traveller but countless amazing moments have happened.
Had I not travelled I would have missed out on those many magical experiences. I would have missed out on the Coliseum, Trevi Fountain, Barcelona, my nona's towns of Pesaro and Fano, the beautiful beaches of Alicante, the magical Canary Islands, surreal Malta, Amsterdam, Macchu Picchu, Belgrade, London, Cusco, Athens, the parthenon, the Greek islands and many other places...(these are just my favourites..)
I learn the streets by trial and error
See who happens to be there and chat them up
And go on silly adventures with them
Try the local food, activities etc
I’m open to it all...
Except when it comes to getting really close to other people…
See the way most people think about travelling is how I think about other people...
I let fear get in the way.
We all have our achilles heel.
A couple years ago, when I signed up for a group trip with women my own age
I was utterly petrified but knew that it was beneficial for my self-growth
On the plane I could sense the spiritual importance of it
But I also sensed the dread
I paced around my room for hours, unable to sleep
I called a friend who I talked to for hours
I would be infinitely more comfortable doing Greece alone
Which is a thought that terrifies most people–travelling alone
Yet for me, nothing is more comfortable than being alone
But being with other people, other people I’m very attracted to…
Has always been terrifying for me
I never tell people this because it’s embarrassing
I met a beautiful woman while on the trip
An American
Although I was very attracted to her
I felt a very powerful forcefield of fear surrounding me
It felt like a 400 pound man was on my shoulder ready to pound the life out of me if I ever thought of making a move on her...
That forcefield was in fact my own mind--my ego
trying to protect me
I ditched the trip, had a panic attack and came back on the last day
I was able to do Greece partly alone and heaved a heavy sigh of relief
Ah yes alone at last! being alone is not heaven but it also is not hell...
It is purgatory and that is what I am familiar and comfortable with.
My peculiarly strong fear of rejection prevented me from creating a beautiful chance of developing a relationship with her
She was the first person I was immensely attracted to
It’s easy to date people you find to be just okay
Because then you’re settling
But there’s no joy in it, there’s no excitement, exuberance, exhilaration
Or liberation
Then came someone else
When I returned home
I met another beautiful woman
I still remember the very moment we met
There was something remarkable about her
She was a goddess
But, I was in the grips of something
Just being in her presence was a blessing
I could feel her positive vibes
Which was very soothing for the work I was doing on genocide
It really helped me get through that peculiar challenging and rewarding time
Of studying for my Master’s degree and writing a book
I was so attracted to her, I didn’t want to scare her away
We had very short interactions only
But I could always feel her gentle soothing energy
When I stepped in the library
Very slowly but surely, I tried to show interest in her
She would gently repel and I waited some more
I knew she was the one
And that I just had to keep waiting
Other people from the outside would perceive this as her playing games
As playing hard to get
But I knew it was anything but
It was a strong soul connection
And those take time
We both patiently waited for each other for years
There were parts of me that doubted whether or not our connection was real
Because you were just so beautiful
And our love was so deep and pure
I knew I was bogged down by a platonic karmic relationship
Well that was my chance at the most profound exhilaration, exuberance
And liberation
At love with you
Well long story short
My fear of rejection continues to live on
I expected the airplane to come pick me up at my front door!
Of course that's not the way anything works
I’ve finally left that hell of my own choosing
I’ve finally ascended to earth, to purgatory once more
And I’m back to regular old me
Even though I could have had the chance of heaven!
And a transformed me
All I had to do was consciously choose it in that particular moment
That’s all I had to
That’s all anyone has to do in life
That’s all life really is for everyone.
Making conscious decisions, one after another, after another, after another..
It's not enough to make 10 million conscious decisions, you must make 10 and 1 conscious decisions.
Do not ever expect the airplane to meet you at your door
If it does happen, I can assure you that that plane has gone down and that's not a plane you want to get on...
But once you open yourself to the opportunity, be prepared to be blown away
The universe knows what it is doing, it will push you to your breaking point
so that you will finally lose your old self and transform
Not making a decision is still a decision
This is why the vast majority wind up settling
they choose fear over love
just like I did in that pivotal moment
Sure we can make excuses for it but really all it is is letting fear get in the way--it's unconsciousness. And YOU must take responsibility for it if you ever want to be empowered.
And next time I will be ready to accept, to consciously choose, the next best thing to walk by me
And if that doesn’t come around
Then I’m staying single and I'll keep travelling!
At least the karmics don’t have the same stranglehold they once held on me
No more karmics
Now, I know I must fling myself somewhere new in the world once more
And you know what they say, three is a charm (not necessarily three people but three chances) …
And as Dory says “just keep swimming!” or in my case just keep travelling
and when that beautiful person walks by, remember to say "hi"
and keep consciously choosing them,
again and again and again
But first you must consciously choose yourself first over and over again,
All low vibers are issued a no fly zone.
BE BRAVE.
LET LIFE SURPRISE YOU.
Lots of love,
Ta for now
About the Creator
Mkat
...on the spiritual path...
om
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