I Hate Having a Crush

Okay, so I know that’s kinda a weird title, because it’s perfectly normal to have a crush. Those butterflies in your stomach, the uncontrollable smile when you see them and the inevitable chewing your friend’s ears off about this new guy/girl. Well… I hate that stuff.

Luckily, I very rarely fancy anyone. I’m 24 and probably only had about three actual crushes in my whole life (not including this current one. And I’m not talking about how many people I’ve found attractive either). I’m asexual – you can see a previous post about that here. So I know full well that a crush is all I’ll ever have. Nothing more. But it still really bugs me… I know – first world problems right here.

I’m just gonna call myself out here. My new crush? That gorgeous sod at Buzzfeed: Andrew Ilnyckyj. Pronounced ILL-NICK-EE, for those non-Ukrainians like myself. You could quite easily compare Andrew to some kind of God. I mean, I personally think there are like 5 stages of a crush.

1) You’re giddy AF and cannot stop smiling at the mere thought of them.*

2) You try to find out as much about them as possible and tell anyone who will listen to you, all about this new person.

3) Now for this one, I’m exempt, because I don’t have any form of social media, but: Social Media stalking. (For some people, this is also stage one).

4) The painful realisation that you’re probably never going to be with them.

5) Acceptance and/or moving on. When the feelings naturally subside, or you find a new person to crush on.

*As you can tell, I’m still in the early stages of the crush.

I’d personally love to work with him, regardless of the crush. But it’s that typical predicament of ‘I’m never going to meet him.’ I mean firstly, he’s American and I’m English. He’s a professional in the industry and I’m a postgrad Screenwriter with no experience (so, you know, if you need an intern or runner… please get in touch!).

I often get told I’m weird for not liking the whole crush experience. But why should it be weird? There’s no rule saying that I should enjoy it. That I should succumb to making a fool of myself because I accidently let my heart rule my head for a little while. I usually stamp out any undesirable feelings, but sometimes, one slips through the net, then BLAM – crush time.

So my question to you, is this. How the hell do you get over a crush? Because somehow or another, I always manage to end up hurt or upset – which is ludicrous, because I always know that there’s never going to be a relationship. I mean, I’m intrinsically ugly, no one in their right mind would ever want to be romantically close to me, I’m extremely annoying, have no romantic bone in my body and I have zero interest in sex. So yeah, even the best salesman in the world couldn’t make me sound appealing.

But I digress. How on earth do you get over a crush quickly? Also, you know what’s bugging me even more? Andrew isn’t even my usual type. Yes okay, I’ve only had three crushes, it’s not like I have a proper ‘type’ but nonetheless, he’s very different to who I usually like.

By the way, I should add, this is no reflection on Andrew himself. I don’t hate this crush because it’s him. I hate them in general. He seems like such a lovely, genuine dude, who has the most incredible eyes and infectious, cheeky smile. It’s just my own hatred of having feelings that is making me write this.

I’ve done the things you’re supposed to do. Keep busy, focus on work, hang out with mates, etc. And yeah, I don’t think of Andrew 24/7 (I’m not obsessed), but I still have this stupid crush. I’m so glad that crushes generally don’t last a very long time, I’m just dreading the impending doom of the come down from this high (yes, a little dramatic, but I am a writer, so…).

The constant yo-yo of emotions is exhausting! And you begin to sound like an absolute lunatic. You’re all about female power and then a man comes along and you’re this stupid, blubbering mess (I’m speaking in personal terms here, of course it all depends on your own sexual orientation, etc). I read a thing online somewhere that said that if you don’t want sex with them, you don’t actually fancy them. Now, I think that’s a load of crap. You don’t have to be sexually attracted to them to crush on them. You can desire their company for goodness’ sake.

Side note… I write under a pen name here, not associated with me in any way at all. So, if by the tiniest, miniscule chance that Andrew ever reads this… he will have no idea who I am if I ever get the chance to work with him, or even at Buzzfeed itself.