What you lost

I watch as you walk down the sidewalk not noticing the rain falling from the sky above. Everything I have inside me wishes I could reach out and touch the side of your face. Wishes I could look deep into your brown eyes and ease your pain. Wishes I could feel my thumb sliding across the wet skin of your cheek when I wipe away your tears.

Right now, I would give anything to tell you, this will all be okay. But my voice can’t reach you anymore. And I can't take away your pain as much as I want to. I can't do any of the things I know I should because I'm the reason you're hurting. I'm the piece of your life you lost. The piece that took away your smile.

I've memorized your routine in the time I've been gone. That's how I know you'll go home alone tonight. And when the door to our apartment is closed, you'll turn the stereo, we bought that Saturday afternoon we spent in Hoboken on and listen to Taylor Swift albums all night even though I know you don't like her. Even though you complained endlessly when I played her songs for hours and told you how deep her lyrics were. And, I know you'll open your favorite bourbon before you slide down to the floor and scoot your back against the bottom of the sofa where we used to sit.

I know you'll keep turning the volume up while you drink along with my favorite songs. I know you'll go back through all the happy memories we had before the sad ones came and took me away. I know you'll keep drinking the bourbon, you used to save only for weekends until you pass out.

I'm not supposed to be here anymore. I'm not supposed to see any of what's happening now. I'm supposed to have already moved on to a place far away from you. But I can't, I won’t let myself go to that place until the wounds inside your heart, that have ripped you apart, have healed. The wounds I cut into you.

I've apologized a thousand times. Every night while you've slept, I've told you how much I regret being the one thing you couldn't live without. I confess to your closed eyes that I never wanted to be the part of your life that got misplaced. But you can't hear my words. You can't feel my love in the room with you when you wake up in the morning. You can't see the concern written across my face when you rub the sleep from your eyes.

I watch as you finally make it off the floor after the sun has already climbed into the sky. I can tell by the way your hands go to the sides of your face. Your temples are pounding like drums. I watch as you stumble to the shower because the hot water will help ease the hangover. When you're done. After you towel off, I know there will be a handful of Tylenol. Then you won't eat a good breakfast before you leave our apartment with days of dishes piled up in the sink and discarded clothes on the floor.

Outside the morning air is cold but you don't notice, and your coat stays open. You don't notice me following you, either. My heart cries out in my chest because I know if I can't find a way to do it soon there will be no saving you. No repairing the damage caused when the accident took me from your life. I watch as you stand on the sidewalk. I can't help worrying. Can't help praying that you won't step out in front of the passing traffic.

A familiar presence floats in the air behind me and what's left of my spirit deflates. I want nothing more than to keep my eyes on you. But I know I can't ignore who has come to see me. Slowly I turn to face the white beard surrounded by silver hair that calls themselves Peter. His eyes admonish me even before he speaks.

"You can't stay here." I watch his arms fold across his robed chest.

"I can't leave. He won't make it if I do." I plead.

"His life is not yours to save." The words cut through me with the sharpness of a knife.

"I won't. I won't do it." The tension he held for me in his face before eases. Replaced with a softer glint.

"There will be one moment where you may help. Once it has passed. There will be no more. You will be taken to where you are supposed to be." Tears appear in the bottom edges of my eyes, and one falls on my cheek when I ask.

"How will I know?"

"That I cannot answer for you, my child." Then, without saying more Peter turns away and I watch as he fades into the hazy sky.

When I turn back to find you. You're halfway to the park where we kissed for the first time. And a memory of the jolt of electricity that passed between us when your lips pressed against mine comes to me. I linger on how you tasted like forever when I parted my mouth just enough to let you in.

You stop and I see you looking at our tree where you slipped your hand around my back, and I went up on my tip toes before I closed my eyes and angled my chin up to you.

One kiss under the shade of that tree was all it took for both of us to fall in love. If I had only known what I'd make you lose. I would have run from that kiss and that tree. I never would have let myself give into the desire I felt for you. Because if I hadn't, if I had been strong. I wouldn't have to know how it feels to be lost. And you wouldn't have to know the pain of losing everything you loved.

I watch your hands find the bottoms of your pockets as you start to walk again. A thought, I can’t stop having haunts me like a ghost. This is all my fault. I loved you too much. Wove myself too deep inside your soul. And now, you haven't been able to unweave me from your heart. Haven't learned how to live again. Haven't accepted that no matter how hard you look, you will never be able to find me. I've watched you return again and again to where I'm supposed to be. I've seen the anguish on your face every time you realize I’m not there, either.

My heart races when you walk past the doors of your office. You should have gone inside. They've been understanding of how you keep showing up late. I've been so thankful they haven't told you their patience has run out. But I worry that day is coming.

As you move from the entryway you should have gone into, I ask why you didn't go inside. My eyes take a fresh look at you. At the buttons on your shirt that don't quite line up. At the lines scrunched on your forehead. At the bags under your eyes. At the stubble on your cheek turning into a beard because you can't find the energy to shave, anymore.

The clock ticks inside my mind. And, I know I'm losing you second by second. How many more steps do I have left before you do what I've been denying is coming?

I know where you're going as the morning's rain continues to fall in steady drops on your striking mop of dark black hair that I used to love running my fingers through when we kissed.

You look over your shoulder as if you finally sense that I'm following you. When your head turns, I see your eyes. And briefly, I get lost the way I always did in the different shades of brown flecked there.

Then I notice the way the light in them that used to twinkle has dimmed. A sinking feeling opens up and threatens to swallow me. I long to reach out. To take your face in my hands. To look into those warm, caring eyes one more time and have you see mine.

The rain above starts falling harder as you walk head down block after block. You turn the corner by the cafe where we used to get our sandwiches. The one with the delicious cream sodas. That's when I see it. An ominous outline against the fabric of your wet coat. A cold howl of wind picks up and my fear blows through me.

There will be one moment. Peter's words echo in my head. My eyes search the people walking past you. The shop openings. The cars on the street. Where is it? Where is my opportunity to save you?

Below me, you keep moving on in the direction of where I know you're going. Above you, my struggle to find a way to save you continues. We will arrive where you're headed soon, and I can see the final grains of sand measuring the time I have left falling through the bottom of the hourglass.

A minute later you walk under the wrought iron arch with the words written in the center. To your left, an old woman kneels with a handful of flowers. I watch as she places them on the ground, but you don't notice as you pass. A dog barks and I imagine it running from its owner. But you don't lift your head at the sound. You're too lost in your thoughts of me.

Once it passes it will be gone Peter teases me from my memory. I search across the rolling hills, the stones lined up in lines, the trees, even the grass covering the ground for the moment I am supposed to see that will let me save you. I hear voices from those who left before me, calling me home in the distance. A further sign that time is not on our side.

I think maybe I just need to make you feel how much I still care. Just as you reach my name etched in granite. Michelle Marie Towns and your fingers shakily trace over each letter, I try. I reach out with a hand I know you can't feel and touch your back. Just as I am about to begin telling you how much I still love you. I hear the dog from before barking louder and closer by. I take my unfelt hand from your back and turn to look for the mutt.

Coming just over the next rise marked by another line of stones. A wet blob of yellow fur with two large eyes stares back at me. And I think, where's your owner? As if in answer the dog which I guess to be a golden retriever, yellow lab mix turns to the side, and I see they have no collar around their neck. Then my new yellow friend turns back to me again and my eyes meet their large brown ones once more and instantly I know.

I see the old red truck with rusted sides slow at the edge of the cemetery. I hear the yelp as a foot not so gently kicks the yellow fur sending the dog out. I watch as the driver and the passenger don't give a second look when they drive away. I hear the truck's tires give a little squeal as they go. My heart pours out and I forget my pain and yours for the briefest seconds.

Then it all floods back in on me and without thinking I give it all to this dog. Every memory, every moment we spent together. The late nights, the kisses, the mornings waking up, the diners, the trips, the love. I fill this dog's heart with all that I ever had for you. Then I look back to my grave.

You're there with the gun in your hand. Tears are falling down your face. The barrel of the gun shakes as it goes to your head, and I call out in a scream that to my surprise the dog hears. Desperation takes me and I call to this dog to go to you. And, watch in utter shock that it's actually worked, as a blur of yellow streaks across the wet grass to where you are.

The gun drops down by your side when you see this dog, who I am suddenly so grateful for, come running. Without stopping they slam their shiny black nose into your side and you wrap your arms around them. I watch as your back heaves. I match the tears you cry into their damp yellow coat with my own. I watch as the gun drops to the ground, and I know you won't use it today.

I feel myself begin to fade. It's time. I know I can't delay it anymore. I must let go. My place here is gone. I feel my soul finally finding peace. Because you will be okay. I know it will take time. I know you will always carry a piece of me with you, but that piece won't destroy you anymore. I didn't miss it. I found the moment, I was promised. I helped you, my love.

Turning I see Peter waiting. I smile as he takes my hand, and leads me away.