TOODLEDOO TO TRIATHLETE TRANQING

WJBE NEWS, DATELINE BALTIMORE, MD July 12, 2024 – In a surprising turn of events, the FDA has banned the use of tranquilizer darts to subdue extreme athletes and harvest their perspiration. This decision has sparked controversy, with several state governors arguing that the law is detrimental to commerce and hinders the control of extreme athlete populations.

The FDA's decision is linked to the production of phoedylacarzosimm, a pharmaceutical agent derived from the enzymes in extreme-athlete sweat. This agent is used to activate the zygomaticus major in patients suffering from vultus tristis videtur, commonly known as "resting stank face."

Phoedylacarzosimm came under FDA interest following a bizarre incident involving Lance Armstrong, a double-barreled JM.DB.13, and a bad batch of methotrimeprazine. Allegedly, non-compliant Armstrong-tainted phoedylacarzosimm was administered to an elderly woman in Rockville, MD, leading to her unexpected victory in a summer series of pie-eating contests. This marks the first and only doping scandal in the professional sport-eating-contest industry.

Mary "Quite Contrary" Cerzmoor, stripped of her titles following the scandal, was recently arrested for trespassing after spending eight hours in a Bonanza Buffet in Chambersburg, PA. Cerzmoor is pleading innocent, and claiming she has been repeatedly injected with phoedylacarzosimm against her will while residing at Providence Place Senior Living.

Providence Place Senior Living's motto is "Everyone Here Smiles."

Journalist Peter Danage, who broke the story on Cerzmoor, was later found mostly in the trunk of a '72 Cadillac Eldorado. Sources close to WJBE News indicate that Danage may have been involved in an underground chihuahua-racing betting track led by organized crime, which could cast doubt on his reporting.

WJBE News clarifies that "underground" refers to the literal tunnels through which the chihuahuas race. Rumors about the mafia harvesting chihuahua perspiration to produce canine strains of phoedylacarzosimm remain unconfirmed.